# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/81 "2012-02-19T01:13:02Z")
Another interaction I love: “19” “Hit me” “20” “Hit me” “21” “Hit me” “22” “D’oh!” ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/82 "2012-02-19T01:23:07Z")
No beer and no TV make Homer go crazy! ---
**Author:** ![EvilMinion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@EvilMinion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilMinion)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/83 "2012-02-19T01:37:49Z")
Bart and Lisa are looking at a badger in Santa’s Little Helper’s dog house, when Homer comes out: Homer: Television broken? Bart: No, there’s a badger in there Homer: Badger my ass, it’s probably Millhouse Homer sticks his head in, there’s a growl and the doghouse shakes. Homer comes back out. Homer: It’s a badger alright. Homer: I think we should call a doctor about this. (He lifts his shirt up to reveal a huge gash on his stomach with visible organs) Lisa: How did the badger do that without ripping your shirt? Homer: What am I, a tailor? ---
**Author:** ![Neidhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Neidhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neidhart)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/84 "2012-02-19T01:48:11Z")
Psychiatrist to Marge: “Is this ‘God’ in the room right now?” ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/85 "2012-02-19T01:52:42Z")
The quotes I use or paraphrase on a semi-regular basis: ‘I was raised by TV and I turned out TV.’ - Homer ‘I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-ry day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find a half hour a week in which I can get funky.’ - Homer \ ‘but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.’ - Homer ‘They call them fingers, but I’ve never seen them fing.’ - Otto ‘Shut up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip.’ - Homer ‘It’s just a little dirty, it’s still good, it’s still good. It’s just a little slimey, it’s still good, it’s still good. It’s just a little airborne, it’s still good, it’s still good.’ - Homer ‘Fire, fire, fire, fire . . .’ - unknown coworker during fire drill while running in circles and flapping his hands. ‘Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me.’ - Bart ‘Woah! That’s good squishie.’ - Bart But for some reason, I think the best line they’ve written is: ‘Eh, Homer Simpson. He thinks he’s the pope of chili town.’ - Chief Wiggum ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/86 "2012-02-19T02:04:50Z")
Checks out, okay Sir, you’re free to go. Good, because I’ve got a hot date tonight. BUZZ a date. BUZZ Dinner with friends. BUZZ Dinner alone. BUZZ Watching TV alone. BUZZ Alright, I/m going to sit at home ogling the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. BUZZ Sears catalog. DING Would you unhook me already, please? I don’t deserve this shabby treatment. BUZZ ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/87 "2012-02-19T02:16:14Z")
“…so I said ‘Look, buddy, your car was upside down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that.’” ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/88 "2012-02-19T02:41:14Z")
Chief Wiggum: “What are you doing home from school?” Ralph Wiggum: “My teacher says she’s tired of trying”. Blackjack-happy NASA goon: “Sent away” (in reponse to being asked 'Where’d you get that?") NASA administrator, referring to James Taylor: “Wait a minute - this unkempt youngster may be on to something!” “Second comes right after first!” [SIZE=“1”] Buzz Aldrin, after being introduced as the Second Man on the Moon[/SIZE] I defer to Mark Twain - my favorite Simpsons quote is the last one I heard. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/89 "2012-02-19T02:47:24Z")
Alone! I’m alone! I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun! ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/90 "2012-02-19T03:05:12Z")
“Family, religion, friendship … these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.” ---
**Author:** ![Dave\_Hartwick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@Dave\_Hartwick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_Hartwick)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/91 "2012-02-19T03:17:01Z")
Grandpappy: They was taking us to Capital City, to see the Nutcracker and I wandered away from the group and married a bear and I started up my family. Old Woman: I told you, I ain’t a bear! Grandpappy: Rawr, rawr, rawr! No one understands you, She-Bear! (Asked why his flag is missing a star) Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura! Spiderpig, Spiderpig Does whatever a Spiderpig does Does he swing from a thread? No he can’t, he’s a pig. ---
**Author:** ![Enlightening\_Meditation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecc23a/32.png) [@Enlightening\_Meditation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enlightening_Meditation)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/92 "2012-02-19T03:41:03Z")
“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help films as _Smoke Yourself Thin_ and _Get Confident, Stupid!_” -Troy McClure “Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as _Earwigs: Eww!_ and _Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory_” -Troy McClure “My cat’s breath smells like cat food” - Ralph “I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaaaaming.” - Homer ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/93 "2012-02-19T03:47:26Z")
…and, when the doctor said I didn’t have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life! …then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that’s why it was the best summer ever! Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I bent my Wookie. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/94 "2012-02-19T04:03:30Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Ninja’d in Post #57. 😛 And you both forgot when Grandpa says “it’ll happen to you”. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/95 "2012-02-19T04:10:25Z")
Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale? Homer: Well, they put us on a Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don’t hold your breath ---
**Author:** ![user\_hostile](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/user_hostile/32/474_2.png) [@user\_hostile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/user_hostile)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/96 "2012-02-19T05:01:00Z")
“Kill my boss? Do I dare live the American dream?” ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/97 "2012-02-19T05:21:50Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale? > Homer: Well, they put us on a Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don’t hold your breath This quote just made me realize that 500 episodes on, Whitney Houston is dead. Here’s to the next 500 episodes! ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/98 "2012-02-19T05:37:49Z")
Two other very useful quotes: “Yoink!” And, after someone falls down or gets hurt, you can always weakly pipe up “… I’m OK…” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/99 "2012-02-19T06:41:12Z")
Lionel Hutz: “Your Honor, I move for a bad court thingy.” Judge: “You mean, a mistrial?” Hutz: “Yep! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talkin’ guy.” Grampa: “Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT!” Satan: “I give you the Jury of the Damned: Benedict Arnold, Lizzy Borden, Richard Nixon–” Nixon: “But I’m not dead yet! [note: true at the time] In fact, I just wrote an article for _Redbook._” Satan: “Hey, I did a favor for you!” Nixon: “Yes, master.” And my all-time favorite: “Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/100 "2012-02-19T06:52:20Z")
I accidentally ran over his dog. Just replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and “dog” with “son.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=6)