# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![jrbor76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9e8a1a/32.png) [@jrbor76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jrbor76)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/121 "2012-02-20T16:23:30Z")
From the boy scouts episode (I think): (After feeling around under the couch, looking for a peanut) Homer: (disappointed) Twenty dollars? Aw, I wanted a peanut! Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy _many_ peanuts. Homer: Explain how! Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services. Homer: Woo hoo! ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/122 "2012-02-20T16:41:26Z")
Milhouse, on falling in love: “It was just like Romeo and Juliet, only it ended in tragedy.” Marge: “Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?” Homer: “Can’t he be both, like the late Earl Warren?” Marge “Earl Warren wasn’t a stripper!” Homer "Now who’s being naïve? ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/123 "2012-02-20T18:13:20Z")
> [@Small\_Hen](#): > > Homer’s brain: ‘Don’t say you were at a bar. Quick, what other place is open at one am?’ > Homer: “Moe’s is a pornography store. I was buying pornography.” The best is his brain’s admiring response. _“Heh heh…I would’ve never thought of that.”_ One of my favorite sequences is the Maggie flashback where everyone in town knows Marge is pregnant except Homer, and he keeps misinterpreting their congratulations. Helen: I just heard the news, congratulations! Homer: (Hmm, she must be talking about my new job.) Thank you! Apu: Oh Homer I just heard about the little bundle of joy! Homer: It’s true! The bundle is little, but I’m not in it for the money! Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant! Homer: This is getting abstract, but thank you Moe, I do enjoy my new job at the bowling alley. _Homer gets home to Marge’s surprise baby shower_ Homer: Hmm…it seems you’re all _showering_ Marge with gifts…little tiny _baby_ sized gifts…well, I’m gonna go take a shower. Maude: Oh by the way Homer, congratulations on your new job. Homer: …Marge is pregnant?! Auuuggghh! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/124 "2012-02-20T18:29:42Z")
“Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh… someplace far away. (Yes, that’ll do.) Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.” “I like how Snrub thinks!” * * * Marge: Homer, there’s a man here who thinks he can help you. Homer: Batman? Marge: No, he’s a scientist. Homer: Batman’s a scientist. Marge: It’s NOT Batman. * * * “I was saying Boo-urns.” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/125 "2012-02-20T18:43:21Z")
Homer: (GASP) That man looks just like me! That dog has a fluffy tail! hehehehe fluffy tail hehehe ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/126 "2012-02-20T18:53:52Z")
\*“I am the Lizard Queen!”\*From Selma’s Choice Also “_Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I’ve come to watch your power flowing_.” From Who Shot Mr. Burns ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/127 "2012-02-20T19:11:37Z")
Selma: How do you do it, Homer? Homer: You take an ordinary bedsheet, fold it around like th– “If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.” ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/128 "2012-02-20T19:13:49Z")
More Troy McClure: “…You may remember me from such educational films as _Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun_ and _Firecrackers:The Silent Killer_…” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/129 "2012-02-20T19:17:09Z")
“Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. ‘Bart is a vampire.’ ‘Beer kills brain cells.’ Now let’s all go back to that… building… thingy… where our beds and TV… is.” ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/130 "2012-02-20T19:47:59Z")
Eat my shorts! ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/131 "2012-02-20T20:27:50Z")
Lisa: But dad, don’t you see that you’re abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you’re the police, then who will police the police? Homer: I dunno…Coastguard? Homer: Beer! Now _there’s_ a temporary solution! Homer: Just once I’d like someone to call me ‘Sir’ without adding ‘You’re making a scene.’ And my personal favourite: Duffman _(on breaking a promise)_: DUFFMAN says a lotta things! ---
**Author:** ![Jaguars](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaguars/32/5879_2.png) [@Jaguars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaguars)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/132 "2012-02-20T21:14:20Z")
_Rock with note flies through window_ Homer: AH! A rock! call a geologist! Willy: Nooo! My Retirement grease! Burns, to Homer and Smithers near crashed plane: Sorry Boys, that fog was so thick I could hardly see my own cataracts. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/133 "2012-02-20T21:47:11Z")
Marge: Homer I’m going to the store do you need anything? Homer: Steak Marge: Money is kinda tight, we cant afford steak. Homer: Steak Marge: OK I’ll get steak. Homer: A gun is not a weapon! It’s a tool, like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator. Marge: Why do you have so many bowling balls, Homer? Homer: I’m not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon! ---
**Author:** ![Bytegeist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Bytegeist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bytegeist)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2012, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/134 "2012-02-20T22:18:44Z")
Homer: Ohhh! Why do things that happen to **stupid people** keep happening to me? Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing **this** that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Burns: Perhaps. Tell you what. We come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke. Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?? Homer: I could ask you the very same **question**! Marge: Mmmmm, should I just back out of the room? Homer: Would you? Frank Grimes (mockingly): What’s this? “_Extremely High Voltage_?” Well, **I don’t** need safety gloves, because I’m Homer Simp— Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang! Doctor: They prefer, “The Sunshine State.” Homer (after numerous misadventures in parallel universes): Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut? Marge: Donut? What’s a donut? Homer: **Aaaah!** ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/135 "2012-02-21T00:42:05Z")
Homer, trying to be coy about buying fireworks: “Uh, yeah, I’ll take a box of condoms, that porno mag, some pantyliners, that jar of petroleum jelly…and some _mumblemumble_ illegal fireworks” Later, Marge is looking through the grocery bag: “Homer I dont know what you have planned for this evening but count me out!” ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/136 "2012-02-21T00:53:07Z")
> [@Bytegeist](#): > > Homer (after numerous misadventures in parallel universes): Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut? > Marge: Donut? What’s a donut? > Homer: **Aaaah!** This one isn’t complete without the rest…Homer runs in terror to the basement…just before donuts start falling from the sky. Marge: Oh, dear, it’s raining again… ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/137 "2012-02-21T01:08:51Z")
Seeing the thread about Dick Tracy made think of young Ned Flanders > [@](#): > > I’m Dick Tracy! Bang! Take that Pruneface! Now I’m Pruneface, take that Dick Tracy! Now I’m Prune Tracy, take that Dick… > [@cochrane](#): > > Ninja’d in Post #63. 😛 D’oh! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Lottie\_D\_Urberville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@Lottie\_D\_Urberville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lottie_D_Urberville)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/138 "2012-02-21T02:02:08Z")
My favorite: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked’’ guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn’t always do what other people thought was right. And that man’s name was… I forget. But the point is… I forget that, too. Marge, you know what guy I’m talking about. He used to drive that blue car? ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/139 "2012-02-21T03:22:47Z")
We’ve searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we’ve found is porno, porno, porno! ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/140 "2012-02-21T03:35:36Z")
Marge: The kids are getting lazy! Bart: I’m not lazy, I’m, hey. . . Lisa finish my sentence for me. Lisa: Finish your own darn. . .zzzzz [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=8)