# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/141 "2012-02-21T03:46:12Z")
“I’m a rageaholic! I’m addicted to rageahol!” ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/142 "2012-02-21T05:28:06Z")
**Jay:** How do you sleep at night? **Ranier:** On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/143 "2012-02-21T07:23:30Z")
[![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvph0eSb-Hg) Homer: D’oh! Lisa: A deer! Marge: A female deer! (As Homer strikes a statue of a deer with the car.) ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/144 "2012-02-21T12:15:07Z")
> [@Bamboo\_Boy](#): > > Either Patty or Selma, I’m not sure which and even less sure that it matters, and don’t forget to conjure up a gravel-ly raspy voice: > > “Kids- the older they get, the cuter they AIN’T.” “Love that spout medley!” ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/145 "2012-02-21T12:49:15Z")
> [@Wargamer](#): > > Eat my shorts! Possibly the worst catchphrase ever, after ‘Don’t have a cow, man!’. They need to set fire to the 'Butterfinger ‘sodes’ and never speak of them again. ---
**Author:** ![Raza](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raza/32/213_2.png) [@Raza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raza)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/146 "2012-02-21T15:12:58Z")
“I’d rather feel my wife’s warm breath on the back of my neck before i go to sleep than stick dollar bills in ladys’ g-strings…” - Homer “I don’t mind you peeing in the shower, as long as you’re TAKING a shower!” - Marge ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/147 "2012-02-21T18:29:06Z")
“You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!” “I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.” “Oh, um… I’m, uh, I’m on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt. Um, ah geez. Trees. Shrubs. I’m directly under the Earth’s Sun… now!” “Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a red… car of some sort, heading in the direction of… you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.” “You don’t make friends with salad.” Homer: “Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have exactly 47 stars?” Apu: “Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.” Homer: “Uhmm. Partial credit.” Ms. Krabappel: “Have you read ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’?” Bart: “I’m halfway through it, I swear!” "When a fire starts to burn There’s a lesson you must learn. Something something Then you’ll see You’ll avoid catastrophe. D’oh!" ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/148 "2012-02-21T18:38:35Z")
Here’s one I use on my kids HOMER: I promise you kids lots of things. That’s what makes me such a good father! LISA: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father. HOMER: No, that would make me a great father. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/149 "2012-02-21T18:56:13Z")
We’ve been separated for a day, and I’m as dirty as a Frenchman! In another few hours I’ll be dead! ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/150 "2012-02-21T19:24:12Z")
“Mmmm… beer” ---
**Author:** ![Floppy\_Joe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3bc359/32.png) [@Floppy\_Joe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floppy_Joe)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/151 "2012-02-21T20:50:23Z")
Abe Simpson Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. Well, I’ll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. . . . . . . Dang. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/152 "2012-02-21T20:53:24Z")
Albert Brooks had the best improv ever: Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you? Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks. Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third. Homer: Uh-huh. Hank Scorpio: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There. Homer: Mm-Hmm. Hank Scorpio: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third. Homer: Oh, the hammock district! Hank Scorpio: That’s right. Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there’s a little place called Mary Ann’s Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. [laughs] Hank Scorpio: I’m just kidding. Homer: Oh. Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer? Homer: No. Hank Scorpio: There’s something for you to do: find that out. ---
**Author:** ![Chopper9760](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cdc98d/32.png) [@Chopper9760](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chopper9760)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/153 "2012-02-21T21:11:30Z")
Duffman **After Moe slaps a sticker over his face** : Duffman! Can’t breathe. _It’s a Wonderful Life ep_ Mr. Burns: Does anyone have change for a button? Moe: “Garage?! Ooh, la, la Mr. Frenchman.” Homer: “What do you call it?” Moe: “A car hole.” ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/154 "2012-02-21T21:15:13Z")
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/155 "2012-02-21T21:18:07Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”? That reminds me- I don’t play trombone, but I’ve always wanted to start an all-trombone group and call it Bonerland Medical Association. ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/156 "2012-02-21T21:28:00Z")
Homer: I’m not made of money! I’m made of man meat and a skeleton! ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/157 "2012-02-21T21:32:36Z")
Lisa’s Pony: Marge: You sound like you’re going to buy a pony. Promise me you won’t. Homer: Mm. Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no? Homer: Buh! Marge: Those aren’t even words! Homer: Snuh! Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light] ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/158 "2012-02-21T21:39:08Z")
Mr. Burns: Any of these islands would make a fine new country! Homer: I call president! Mr. Burns: Vice president! Smithers: [miserable] Ohhh… (think back to your high school spares and what card game you played if you don’t get it…) ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/159 "2012-02-21T21:55:56Z")
Willie: “The noozle! The noozle at the end of the hoose!” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2012, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/160 "2012-02-21T22:18:23Z")
“Nobody likes Milhouse!” “The 'House always wins.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=9)