# Greeting Cards you wish existed **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102 "2002-12-11T21:43:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/1 "2002-12-11T21:43:16Z")
(cover) A cheery hello to you, fellow office building-mate! (drawing of dancing bears) (inside) Next time you take a crap, flush! (picture of bears with ‘oopsie face’) (signed) Babs ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/2 "2002-12-11T22:13:12Z")
(cover) Happy Mother’s Day! (inside) You did the best you could. ---
**Author:** ![kirk280980](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c77e96/32.png) [@kirk280980](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kirk280980)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/3 "2002-12-11T22:13:55Z")
I hear you had a bladder op I hope you’re on the mend So I thought I’d buy you this greeting card And a big box of Depends ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/4 "2002-12-13T08:05:30Z")
Cover: Gross caricature of a voluptuous babe being leered at by a stalker-looking guy, surrounded by jagged hearts in garish shades of red and pink. Inside: Cartoon (with much softer lines) of an awkward-but-cute-looking guy loosening his collar and saying, “Okay, whew, you opened it. I just didn’t want anyone to see me buying a mushy-looking valentine. Okay, here goes: ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…’” ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/5 "2002-12-13T12:47:37Z")
Cover: A larger lollipop sucker, the kind you see at county fairs. Inside: “Need I say more?” I looked for a card like this many years ago when a cousin was getting married. The gal he was marrying left the day after the wedding for US Air Force boot camp. 8 weeks later she returned from boot camp, thanked him for watching her kids and kicked him out of the house. I knew this was going to happen but no one would listen to me. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/6 "2002-12-13T12:54:04Z")
"Hallmark needs to market National Coming Out Day cards. Like: _Dear Mom, I chose this special day To let you know that I am gay._ Or: _I know I played baseball and hockey and tag But now I play disco cos I’m a big fag._ Mine would go: _Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m a lesbian, And so is Aunt Phyllis._" - Sabrina Matthews ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/7 "2002-12-13T16:07:52Z")
From another website I visit frequently… [Pukards.](http://www.spinnwebe.com/pukards/) I especially like… well, all of them, actually. Work-friendly link, by the way. Other stuff on his site may not be. He’s got some funny stories about how he has messed with peoples’ heads. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/8 "2002-12-13T23:08:45Z")
My condolences on your allergy to paper products. ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/9 "2002-12-13T23:13:31Z")
_Times are rough, Money’s hard, So here’s your fucking Christmas card_ ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/10 "2002-12-13T23:57:57Z")
Jake Plummer and Dave Boston standing in front of a staduim. “Hi, we are the defending superbowl champs thanks for coming out to the game today.” 104 years now, we are Due damn it! ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/11 "2002-12-14T01:19:21Z")
Have a very merry menopause! Now, put your clothes back on and turn off that fucking fan. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/12 "2002-12-14T01:23:34Z")
_cover_ So sorry you’re sick… _inside_ …hope you don’t die. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/13 "2002-12-14T02:46:21Z")
**cover** Heard your pregnant! \*\*inside \*\* I weep for the future. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/14 "2002-12-14T04:38:56Z")
Cover: Large puddle of water, some lumps of coal, a carrot, corncob pipe, muffler and beat up top hat. Caption: Have a Merry Christmas" Inside: Frosty would have wanted it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/15 "2002-12-14T04:40:28Z")
I saw this in a NY Post or Daily News manny years ago and thought it would be a great card. There was a large photograph of a man in a Santa outfit holding a revolver with the cylinder open. The caption was “He’s making a list, checking it twice” ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/16 "2002-12-14T04:52:48Z")
I’ve long thought a range of negative greeting cards would sell very well. It’d be nice to walk into a newsagent’s and see a big **FUCK YOU** category with _Father, Mother. Husband Wife, Boss_ etc subcategories. **LolacocaCola** , you beat me to it with that one. Those cards do exist though - I 've received one. ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/17 "2002-12-14T05:11:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheLoadedDog \* > \*\ ***LolacocaCola** , you beat me to it with that one. Those cards do exist though - I 've received one. \*\* Yeh, your right, **TheLoadedDog** - I’ve seen 'em before ages ago… I need a stockpile for this year. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ghandi5569](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@ghandi5569](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ghandi5569)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/18 "2002-12-14T05:54:30Z")
Need to find cards that say: - “Congrats! You Got Laid!” - “Congratulations on your first orgasm” - “I would love to wish you a happy (mother’s or father’s) day. However, to aacknowledge that you are my parent, I would have to acknowledge that you had sexual relations with (parent of opposite sex) to have me. I can’t do that. So, from the epitome of human evolution to you, have a happy day!” ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/19 "2002-12-14T06:08:01Z")
Outside: Sorry to hear about the troubles in your marriage. Inside: Let me know when the divorce is finalized so I can throw a congratulatory party for your ex-husband. Ava ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102/20 "2002-12-15T10:16:21Z")
No, no, no, no, no - you’ll find all these cards and more at Kaboom: [http://www.kaboomcards.com/Dirty\_Works.frame.html](http://www.kaboomcards.com/Dirty_Works.frame.html) Trust me - these are the BOMB! Esprix [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greeting-cards-you-wish-existed/142102.md?page=2)