# Groaners. The really bad joke thread. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 18, 2004, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875 "2004-09-18T18:18:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![dasgupta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@dasgupta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dasgupta)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/82 "2004-09-20T17:56:25Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?Phil.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?Russel.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a backwater?Eddy.What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in space?Anything you want, but it won’t matter. He can’t hear you. 🙂 And what do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art. And a man with no arm and no legs in front of your door? Matt. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/83 "2004-09-20T18:12:25Z")
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?” He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/84 "2004-09-20T18:19:26Z")
…two guys with no arms and legs in front of your living room windows? Curt n’ Rod …how about one guy rolling around on a BBQ? Frank …his sister’s name? Patty …and the leper in the bathtub - what’s his name? Stew …what did that leper say to the hooker before he got into the bathtub? keep the tip. I know **swampbear** ’s joke as: What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandblackandwhiteandgreenandblackandwhite…and stinks? two skunks, rolling down a hill, wrestling over a pickle. and the joke in the worst possible taste (sorry in advance): What’s black and white and can’t get through a revolving door? a nun with a spear through her head. Ouch! Ouch!!! Stop it!!! Quit hitting me!!! That _was_ the last one - I swear!!! Ouch! ---
**Author:** ![Chastain86](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Chastain86](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chastain86)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/85 "2004-09-20T18:24:42Z")
And now we move on to Helen Keller jokes. 😉 How did Helen Keller burn her left ear? She answered the iron. How did she burn her right ear? They called back. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/86 "2004-09-20T18:35:09Z")
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs hanging from the ceiling? Tiffany **WordMan** I like that little extra thrill it adds to the joke. 😃 Nun jokes are always appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/87 "2004-09-20T19:09:36Z")
How did Captain Hook die? Jock Itch ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/88 "2004-09-20T19:11:18Z")
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, " Can I help you?" The duck says, Get this guy off my ass ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/89 "2004-09-21T02:21:46Z")
I’m sure this one is old, but I just heard it for the first time the other day and it made me laugh, so… How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its t\*ts a lot! ---
**Author:** ![saramamalana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@saramamalana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saramamalana)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/90 "2004-09-21T03:10:55Z")
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? a quarter-pounder with cheese **Chastain86** , you want Helen Keller? I got 'em. I really hope no one’s offended by them, I got them from one of those “truly tasteless jokes” books. How did Helen Keller pierce her ear? answering the stapler What was the meanest present under the Keller Christmas tree? a Rubik’s cube What was the second meanest? a Paint By Numbers set What was the meanest present Helen Keller ever gave? her first Paint By Numbers picture How did Helen Keller learn to masturbate? reading her own lips I’m gonna burn for these! ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/91 "2004-09-21T03:18:57Z")
Q. Why can’t Helen Keller drive? A. 'cause she’s dead. ---
**Author:** ![pipperroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7feea3/32.png) [@pipperroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pipperroo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/92 "2004-09-21T03:36:27Z")
**Kid Joke:** Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? Because it was too cold to wash them out-tide! **Nerdy Science Joke:** What do you get when you cross a Mountain climber with a Mosquito? Nothing! You can’t cross a scaler with a vector. **Music Joke:** What’s the difference between a violin and a viola? The Viola makes a better fire. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/93 "2004-09-21T03:46:08Z")
I’m sharing some of these gems with a pal on IM, and he offered the following: A priest, a rabbi, a dog, a gorilla and a hooker walk into a bar… …and the bartender says, “What is this, a joke??” ---
**Author:** ![tygerbryght](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@tygerbryght](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tygerbryght)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/94 "2004-09-21T04:12:16Z")
> [@cityboy916](#): > > But that would make him older than his teeth. > … Right. What Sinter Klaus said in the movie was “… and a little older than my teeth.” ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/95 "2004-09-21T04:44:26Z")
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor?! Which way do crazy people go when they walk through the forest? The psycho path! Why was the elephant standing on the marshmallow? Because he didn’t want to fall in the hot chocolate. Where do books eat dinner? At the table of contents. ---
**Author:** ![tygerbryght](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@tygerbryght](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tygerbryght)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/96 "2004-09-21T06:30:17Z")
> [@winterhawk11](#): > > I’m sure this one is old, but I just heard it for the first time the other day and it made me laugh, so… > > How do you titillate an ocelot? > > Oscillate its t\*ts a lot! Um, are you sure you didn’t mis-hear “osculate” for the other word? It’s more titillating, ya know. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/97 "2004-09-21T08:27:41Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > Q. Why can’t Helen Keller drive? > > A. 'cause she’s dead. I heard this one as: Q. Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? A. Because she was a woman. Nearly got myself slapped a few times telling that one. 😃 Of course, there’s also: Q. What would Marilyn Monroe be doing now if she were alive? A. Clawing at the lid of her coffin. ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/98 "2004-09-21T09:08:03Z")
> [@pipperroo](#): > > **Nerdy Science Joke:** > > What do you get when you cross a Mountain climber with a Mosquito? > > Nothing! You can’t cross a scaler with a vector. Or a variation on this one: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? elephant grape sin theta ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/99 "2004-09-21T12:39:30Z")
> [@dasgupta](#): > > And what do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? > > Art. > > And a man with no arm and no legs in front of your door? > > Matt. Whaddya call a man with no arms and no legs that plays the drums, plays the guitar, plays the bass, and sings…Stump the Band. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/100 "2004-09-21T13:31:59Z")
What’s brown and drips from the attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank. What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo ---
**Author:** ![Ezekiel25\_17](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@Ezekiel25\_17](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ezekiel25_17)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875/101 "2004-09-21T13:45:02Z")
Two nuns walk into a bar, the third one ducks. A peice of rope walks into the bar, the bartender says “we don’t serve rope here.” The rope goes outside, ties himself up and musses up his hair. He comes in an sits at the bar, and the bartender asks him “aren’t you that rope I just threw out of here?” The rope replies “Frayed Knot” what do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/groaners-the-really-bad-joke-thread/264875.md?page=6)