# Guess what? I'm a REPUBLICAN!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 4, 2002, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312 "2002-07-04T03:56:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/1 "2002-07-04T03:56:56Z")
It’s true! It’s true! See, in [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=123577&pagenumber=2), **Luminin** cleared things up! > [@](#): > > I was quoting someone else, the quote is above my reponse, I know they “are NOT FUCKING CATHOLIC”, they are fundies, which is worse, and you argue like a true-blue republican. Rush would be proud. So, since I guess I have to leave behind my shameful, pinko-commie-liberal-do-gooder past, perhaps you Republicans out there can help me. What should I do first? Is there anything I need to know? I’m so confused! ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/2 "2002-07-04T04:00:08Z")
Well, do you own a rifle? Would you like to go hunting? ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/3 "2002-07-04T04:29:29Z")
Many Republicans I know are “more Catholic than Catholic.” Argh. So Guin, from now on: 1. Everyone gets the death penalty. 2. Poor people deserve to die in their own filth. If they’re poor, it’s their own fault. 3. Invoke the Nazi holocaust every time someone disagrees with you. If they’re disagreeing, they must be Nazi-supporters. Even Jewish people. (1) 4. George W. Bush isn’t good enough for you. 5. Pat Buchanan’s ok, but still not good enough for you. 6. Jobs and the economy are important. More important than anything. Except for those poor people, who don’t deserve them, 7. Anything on TV, the radio (except Rush), movies, video games, or any other popular medium is evil. 8. America never killed any Injuns. And saying “Injuns” is ok. And if we did kill 'em, they deserved it. 9. States’ rights are great. If it means the South could have kept slavery…eh, big deal. Oh, and **Luminin?** Fuck you. I hope you get groin beetles. (1) No, really, I ACTUALLY saw this happen once. A vocal Republican on my college campus accused a professor who was a holocaust survior (or maybe her family was, I forget) of being a Nazi during an abortion debate. Hooboy, sparks flew after that. ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/4 "2002-07-04T04:36:10Z")
**Guin** , I believe Sideshow Bob said it best: “Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Big\_Kahuna\_Burger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Kahuna_Burger)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/5 "2002-07-04T04:42:56Z")
Here are a few addendums 1. The environment’s in perfect shape, and environmentalists are merely commies trying to disrupt industry and capitalism, leading to the United Soviet States of America. 2. Workers in this country don’t need unions, the labor people are merely commies trying to disrupt industry and capitalism, leading to the United Soviet States of America. 3. People who don’t believe in God, or choose not to say so at every possible juncture are commies trying to disrupt religious institutions and capitalism, leading to the United Soviet States of America 4. Any time someone disagrees with you or makes a point that goes against your mantra, call them a commie trying to disrupt industry, our religious institutions and capitalism, leading to the United Soviet States of America. ---
**Author:** ![Philosophocles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Philosophocles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philosophocles)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/6 "2002-07-04T05:27:10Z")
1. Anytime a political opponent proposes any type of government spending, accuse them of “throwing money at the problem.” 2. Cross your fingers behind your back when you have to give a speech about “getting tough on corporate crime” 3. Commend Senator Jesse Helms whenever he does his impression of Foghorn Leghorn. ---
**Author:** ![Netbrian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71e660/32.png) [@Netbrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Netbrian)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/7 "2002-07-04T05:28:50Z")
No! Don’t go to the Dark Side Guin! Come back to us bleeding hearts so we can hug trees! ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/8 "2002-07-04T06:40:03Z")
I’m a Republican too, apparently. I know this because they send me their spam telling me so. Now all I have to do is to migrate from Australia so I can vote for these Republicans, whoever they are. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/9 "2002-07-04T07:21:51Z")
[Headwaiter] Welcome to the club, Ma’am. Here’s your cigar, your NRA membership card, your complimentary assault rifle, your signed photo of Ronald Reagan (unfortunately signed ‘Walter Phelps’ due to the Alzheimer’s), and your stock options of Enron … wait a minute, how did those get there. Thank you. [/Headwaiter] 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/10 "2002-07-04T07:55:36Z")
You could try joining the Libertarians instead, amusingly defined in an article I once read as “Republicans who like drugs.” ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/11 "2002-07-04T09:50:37Z")
1. Whenever in a debate and you get stuck, quote Rush 2. Whenever in a debate and the Rush quote doesn’t work, pick a random phrase from the Bible. 3. If the bible phrase doesn’t work, blame Clinton. 4. If blaming Clinton doesn’t work, just go off topic about how Clinton lied about getting a blowjob. Then sneak off when everyone is distracted. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/12 "2002-07-04T10:07:40Z")
Not only am I Republican, according to Spam I recieve, I’m a Republican Team Leader!! Wh00t! ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/13 "2002-07-04T10:40:46Z")
No, no, all you guys are full of shit. Guin, before you can truly be a Republican, you need to kick a sick dog. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/14 "2002-07-04T11:47:44Z")
Can a real Republican chime in? Republicans believe in maximum individual liberty consistent with law, order, and our nation’s traditions. We believe the free market provides more prosperity to more people. Most Republicans believe in limited government, strictly permitted to perform essential functions only. We believe, too, in local and state governments having the freedom to solve their unique problems their way, again consistent with law and our nation’s traditions. The Republican Party is a moderate party. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be at parity with the Democrats nationwide. You can make jokes all you want, but we’re not going away! We’re right on more issues than the Democrats, and we’re growing! ---
**Author:** ![grendel72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/91b2a8/32.png) [@grendel72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grendel72)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/15 "2002-07-04T11:55:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Moto \* > **Most Republicans believe in limited government, strictly permitted to perform essential functions only.** Ok, waitaminute- spying on what people do in their bedrooms is an essential function of gummint? The Republican party supports sodomy laws. That’s just _one_ example of the party wanting government interference where it clearly isn’t warranted. What you are claiming to be, as all Republicans claim to be come election time, is a libertarian. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/16 "2002-07-04T12:05:46Z")
**Mr. Moto** , mind if an independent checks in (I like being able to shoot at both sides). > [@](#): > > Republicans believe in maximum individual liberty consistent with law, order, and our nation’s traditions. Thus since homosexuality and abortion do not fall within our nation’s traditions, they should be outlawed, despite abortion’s not having been banned until the 20th century (cite available next week when I can get to the library). Thus the Republican party’s support of prayer in schools, even for atheists. > [@](#): > > We believe the free market provides more prosperity to more people. Thus farm subsidies, tax breaks geared to individual, large companies, etc. > [@](#): > > The Republican Party is a moderate party. Which has had the misfortune of being hijacked by the Religious Right who believe you have the right to do whatever you like so long as it meets their moral standards. I don’t hate the Republican Party, but I do disagree with it on a great many issues. As I kid a Republican friend of mine whose a Wiccan gun owner, “one party wants to take away your guns; the other, your religion.” Oh, and **Guinastasia** , don’t forget to acknowledge the reason people have lousy minimum wage jobs is because of their own moral weakness and general inferiority, rather than because of the class they were born into. Look shocked and offended at any mention of the idea that all Americans do not have equal opportunities in this land. CJ ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/17 "2002-07-04T12:29:09Z")
**Guinastasia** , I’ve just read the thread. Apparently you’re functionally illiterate as well, which is a real surprise to me. You’re also apparently “catholic or like pedofiles.” From all I’ve read in your posts you’re certainly catholic in the sense of “of broad or liberal scope; comprehensive,” as well as being Roman Catholic. As to the liking “pedofiles”, is that anything like a nail file? I’m pretty sure this is outside the rule of loving my neighbor, but can I please get a piece of this guy when you’re done? I’ll buy you a sandwich at Primanti’s, or better yet, desert at Gullifty’s. CJ ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/18 "2002-07-04T13:10:56Z")
(21) If you point out that abortion is legal, you kill babies. (22) Immigrants are a drain on our social services and our education system. Not to mention a threat to our national sovereignty and culture, until they vote Republican. (23) No member of law enforcement ever abused their authority. (24) Henry Kissinger is the smartest man who ever lived, and never made a mistake. (25) No one but Ronald Reagan did anything to end the Cold War. (26) Adultery is grounds for resignation from office, unless you’re a Republican. (27) Holding up political appointments is only bad when done by Democrats. (28) If it’s on the Fox News Channel, it must be true (Geraldo Rivera excluded). (29) The Founding Fathers believed in freedom of religion, but wanted Christianity included in every aspect of our government. (30) Questioning the (Republican) administration equals treason. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/19 "2002-07-04T13:27:57Z")
Wow, this thread didn’t turn into nothing more than a vehicle for people to snipe at the Evil Republicans[sup]TM[/sup]. Right. The only thing that I’ll say is that the Republican leadership seems to be woefully and profoundly out of synch with all registered Republicans I know personally. And I live in a County that is about 75%-80% Republican, IIRC. For example, I don’t know a _single_ Republican IRL who believes that the Government should mandate sexual behavior, should discourage gays and lesbians from being full partners with full rights in society, should uphold any religion over any other (or make any religion part of their party platform), or that feel that abortion should even be part of a party platform. The vast, vast majority of them are in favor of moderate gun control and are not NRA members, do not think that flag burning is something that needs an Amendment or law to ban it; and feel that the government must do a great deal more to protect the environment, reduce energy consumption, and enact more workplace and career safety measures. One of them (who has _framed_ pictures of Reagan and Bob Dole in his office) wants the government to eliminate all taxes on working parents who make less than $50,000 a year. Most want a food tax elimination, balanced by increased “luxury taxes” on the rich. I can’t say _anything_ like that for the Democrats I know IRL. They tend to start out on the footing that “Clinton suffered for the Good of America 1000 times worse than Jesus on the cross”, and go downhill from there pretty fast. Two “hard-core Democrats” at work feel that the Government should make Nationwide no-warrant house-to-house sweeps of _only_ registered Republicans to Search for guns, should “ban” all churches (they don’t forget the Constitution, they want it changed to make religion “illegal”), and should make it “illegal” to earn more than $100,000 a year or own a house with a lot larger than 1/4 acre. Another one feels that ALL cars “should be banned”, and that the National Guard should go and confiscate them all. (in fact, they seem to have a lot of uses for the National Guard…I wonder why?) Most just want the government to “Ban SUVs and BMW’s”. Excuse me whilst I :rolleyes: But it gets better - one of them feels that children should be “emancipated” at age 10, because “keeping children under the control of their parents is no different than slavery” - and she has virtually done that in her household, where her 12-year old daughter decides if she is going to school or not, if she is going to the doctor or not, and _what her own freaking curfew is!_. This from a person with “Dukakis”, “Gore”, and no less than 4 “Clinton” stickers on their cubicle… When I compare the two viewpoints in work debates, it’s pretty clear who the real “Party of Hate and Disconnection with Reality” is in my office. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![MisterBK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@MisterBK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MisterBK)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312/20 "2002-07-04T14:12:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > **Wow, this thread didn’t turn into nothing more than a vehicle for people to snipe at the Evil Republicans[sup]TM[/sup]. Right.** \But we were having so much _fuuuuuun_!\ So, to continue with the easy shots: 1. Gay people should be treated like second-class citizens. If they were granted the same rights as straight people, the institution of marriage would somehow be destroyed. (Not that the Dems aren’t complicit in DOMA.) 2. Welfare to corporations = good. Helps the economy! Welfare to individuals = bad. Those lazy parasites should just get jobs! 3. There’s no more racism! If many black people are still poor, it’s because they’re lazy and shiftless. They should really stop blaming other people for their problems. 4. It’s perfectly _fine_ that one in 7 Americans has no health insurance. If we were to extend health insurance to everyone, why, we’d be Commies! 5. Anyone who disagrees with me must **really** hate America!\* \*Thanks to Tom Tomorrow for this meme. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guess-what-im-a-republican/117312.md?page=2)