# Guy and girl dopers, am I being psycho-brat-girlfriend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 16, 2003, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842 "2003-10-16T19:25:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2003, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/41 "2003-10-17T22:29:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shade \* > \*\*You did say that him looking at porn can make you feel inadaquate sometimes. It’s not really relevent, and I don’t think it’d help, but I thought I’d say I think men who look at porn would probably still look at porn if they were dating Britteny Spears. It may or may not be an unreasonable thing to do, but I think it’s fair to say it doesn’t mean you’re not good looking enough. > > “It’s ok for him to look, but I don’t want to know.” is entirely reasonable imho. And he should be able to stick to this, especially if he is nice. > \*\* Sorry, I must have missed you earlier. This is almost exactly what Dan Savage said in his article that was mentioned in the beginning of the thread. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Qburn \* > \*\*Deleting the history is one thing, but if one doesn’t delete the temporary internet files, the images/pages are still on your computer. \*\* I know how deleting stuff works, I asked him to remove all traces of his internet escapades. Alrighty. Thanks all for giving msmith537 that minor buttkicking while I was in class. I’m going to talk to him tonight. If “ **no** more porn at my place (without me)” becomes a problem, I’m not sure what’ll happen, but I don’t think it’ll come to that. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/42 "2003-10-18T00:43:11Z")
A) Do I have a right to be skeeved out and ask him not to look up anything erotic on my computer? You have hte right to be skeeved out on the birth of a litter of kittens if you are so inclined - this is not the issue. You have the right to **ask** him not to look at anything erotica, and havethe right to ditate the use of your computer. B) Could it have been spyware the first time? It is possible, or popups. It could be that he visited some web site that allowed him to DL some program for you for free (OMG copywrite violation - the SD police are comming for me) and got multipe porn popups. C) Was he being rude/insensitive by leaving the posters in the history, even though they weren’t porn? Not at all, but when you mention it to him (give him 3 times, after all he is a guy 😉 ) that you would like it if he were to delete the history, I’d say that it is boarding on rude - maybe. D) Am I being a psycho-jealous-lowselfesteem-brat-girlfriend? Maybe, I don’t think the porn is in any way a threat to you. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/43 "2003-10-18T01:36:00Z")
**Lynn** , I think part of the problem may be that you said something like, “if you must look at porn on my computer, then have the decency to cover your tracks”. This may have created, in his mind, the impression that you don’t mind him looking at porn while you’re in bed. If I said to my 12-year-old, “If you must eat ice cream at 3AM, have the decency to put your bowl in the sink when you’re done”, you can damn well bet my 12-year-old will eat ice cream at 3AM!! Your best bet, imho, is to lay it flat out: please don’t look at porn on my machine while I am elsewhere". This avoids all confusion. I’m not saying your boyfriend is dumb. My hubby is one of the smartest guys I know, but he’s no damned good at subtleties. If I want him to do X or don’t want him to do Y, I’d better be crystal clear about it! I don’t think you’re being a brat; but maybe, given your insecurities, you’re being a little vague about your wishes. Probably due to the fact that you’re not quite sure you have a right to have those wishes respected. You absolutely have a right! It’s your home, your computer. One thing I know for sure, **msmith537** is being an asshole about the whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/44 "2003-10-18T02:15:08Z")
**A) Do I have a right to be skeeved out and ask him not to look up anything erotic on my computer?** Yes. It’s your computer. **B) Could it have been spyware the first time?** No, he’s lying. **C) Was he being rude/insensitive by leaving the posters in the history, even though they weren’t porn?** Yes, but perhaps not intentionally. Had they been actual porn, yeah, I’d say he’s a dick. Maybe he thought they wouldn’t bother you because they weren’t porn. **D) Am I being a psycho-jealous-lowselfesteem-brat-girlfriend?** No, you have standards for how you expect your man to conduct himself. It is okay if you don’t want a man who looks at porn (good luck FINDING one, because even the best men like looking at naked chicks, but I’m sure a handful of men out there exist who don’t look at it, ever). Word to the wise, though: your boyfriend will not change. I repeat: **he will not change.** (Unless he wants to.) If you have a problem with porn, dump him because he’s not gonna give it up for you. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/45 "2003-10-18T02:21:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by norinew \* > \*\*… If I want him to do X or don’t want him to do Y, I’d better be crystal clear about it! > > One thing I know for sure, **msmith537** is being an asshole about the whole thing. \*\* Oh trust me, tonights going to be perfectly clear (there’s not going to be a bitching out, even though that’s what it sounds like). Perfectly clear. Yup, yup he is. That’s why I didn’t pay any attention to him. 🙂 And just for good measure: **I DON’T CARE THAT HE LOOKS AT PORN. JUST NOT ON MY COMPUTER.** This is like the 19,00th repatition, and hopefully the last. I love you anyway, **snoopyfan**. I’m going up to see him for the night :D, and I won’t check the thread for a while… if anyone cares. ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/46 "2003-10-18T06:39:42Z")
No, you’re absolutely in the right to ask him not to do whatever on your computer. You can object to him looking at pictures of trucks or frogs. Your computer, your rules. However, I’m thinking you gave him implicit permission and I hope you managed to withdraw it and he accepted that. ---
**Author:** ![Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Live_Better_Electrically)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/47 "2003-10-18T22:41:17Z")
I just read this thread and can’t believe that some people think **Lynne\_kilii** should dump her boyfriend. I’ve been married a long time, and my spouse and I have been rude and insensitive toward each other on more than one occasion. I’m not proud of it, but people have lapses and work things out. That is, unless you live in a world of perfection and zero tolerance. ---
**Author:** ![Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baby_Fish_Mouth)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/48 "2003-10-19T01:26:56Z")
I think people on this thread are just concerned that **Lynne\_kilii** ’s boyfriend may be doing something that he knows is not acceptable to her. The first time he did not delete the porn history was pretty insensitive. If he continues this after she tells him to stop–that’s crossing a much bigger line. But it’s up to her to decide what is acceptable and what is not. It’s too easy to make judgments when we only hear one side of the story, and we don’t know them personally. ---
**Author:** ![aaslatten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f14d63/32.png) [@aaslatten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaslatten)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/49 "2003-10-19T14:36:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Live Better Electrically! \* > \*\*I just read this thread and can’t believe that some people think **Lynne\_kilii** should dump her boyfriend. I’ve been married a long time, and my spouse and I have been rude and insensitive toward each other on more than one occasion. I’m not proud of it, but people have lapses and work things out. That is, unless you live in a world of perfection and zero tolerance. \*\* I agree. Also, nobody has brought up the possibility that this guy is just being young, foolish, and impulsive. Yes, he technically lied to you, but it was probably out of embarassment. He does need to knock this off (since it isn’t his computer, for one), but I wouldn’t consider this a deal-killer right away. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/50 "2003-10-19T14:44:03Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by aaslatten_ > I wouldn’t consider this a deal-killer right away. Nor would I. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/51 "2003-10-19T15:29:52Z")
We did that amazing talking, communication thing, and he said that he was suprized that I said it was ok in the first place, but hey, in that case why not?, and that it was cool that I didn’t want him to look at it over here. Seems his definition of spyware also included ad-ware and mal-ware (sp?), and generally bad forms of -ware, which could have done it. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Live Better Electrically! \* > \*\*I just read this thread and can’t believe that some people think **Lynne\_kilii** should dump her boyfriend. I’ve been married a long time, and my spouse and I have been rude and insensitive toward each other on more than one occasion. I’m not proud of it, but people have lapses and work things out. That is, unless you live in a world of perfection and zero tolerance. \*\* A lot of women and girls who wander onto the boards for relationship advice are dating jerks, and it’s easy to get into a mentality that that’s just the way it is for everyone. I understand it, but I’m not part of that group. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/52 "2003-10-19T20:15:38Z")
I’m happy to hear everything worked out, **Lynne**. Best of luck to you, it sounds like you snagged yourself a decent guy. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2003, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/53 "2003-10-19T22:32:08Z")
YAY! Yes, yes he is. Better than decent 🙂 . ---
**Author:** ![Tommyturtle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Tommyturtle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommyturtle)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/54 "2003-10-20T00:54:34Z")
Maybe your poor misunderstood boyfriend just mistyped an URL(alot of porn sites register common misspellings of popular places and route you to their site) and that’s how those porn URLs got on your computer On looking at a previous post of yours just now I see he 'fessed up…never mind ---
**Author:** ![Call\_me\_Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Call\_me\_Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Call_me_Frank)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/55 "2003-10-20T02:52:16Z")
Just to clarify something someone else said about spyware. It’s technically true that _spyware_ won’t place things on your computer or alter your history, but there are other types of similar programs that will do that. Things such as put sites in your auto-complete files and history files as well as change your home page. Check out [www.lavasoft.de](http://www.lavasoft.de) if you’re interested in checking your computer for the crud. The program you want is called “Ad-aware” ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/56 "2003-10-20T05:40:22Z")
Glad everything worked out. YAY communication!!! (that’s always a good thing :D) ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/57 "2003-10-20T06:17:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Live Better Electrically! \* > \*\*I just read this thread and can’t believe that some people think **Lynne\_kilii** should dump her boyfriend. I’ve been married a long time, and my spouse and I have been rude and insensitive toward each other on more than one occasion. I’m not proud of it, but people have lapses and work things out. That is, unless you live in a world of perfection and zero tolerance. \*\* Yebbut these folks are BF and GF, not married. The rules are different. They are exploring each other to see if they are compatible for a long-term relationship, not already committed to one. One of the ways you (should) judge your potential partner is on their reactions to life situations like this. I stand by my judgement. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842/58 "2003-10-20T17:37:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Call me Frank \* > \*\* > Check out [www.lavasoft.de](http://www.lavasoft.de) if you’re interested in checking your computer for the crud. The program you want is called “Ad-aware” \*\* Actually, I have Ad-aware, and that’s what he ran after the porn showed up the first time (the time he said it wasn’t him). It didn’t return without someone looking it up, so I think that mystery is solved, and there won’t be any more! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-and-girl-dopers-am-i-being-psycho-brat-girlfriend/207842.md?page=2)