# Guy Stuff **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 5, 1999, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130 "1999-11-05T19:00:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 39
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 1999, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/761 "1999-12-22T16:38:00Z")
You young punk sprint drinkers will never be able to beat a marathoner like UncleBeer. I may be a decrepit old man, but I’ve got a liver the size of a basketball; it’s got plenty of storage space. I’m sure you’ve all heard the fable of the tortoise and the hare. You do remember who won that little derby, don’t you? * * * “A zebra does not change its spots.” ~Al Gore, 1992~ ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 1999, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/762 "1999-12-22T16:38:00Z")
_raises eyebrow_ Oh yeah…I feel lucky, hon. I’ll see your 6 JD’s, and raise you…5 more. _slams them back, sways slightly, then straightens and smiles…_ Hon, I used to do this weekly…still feeling lucky? And the table ain’t high enough for both of us under it…yet. 😉 * * * “Jesus Mary Joseph…you’re a biker chick!” - co-worker, upon hearing of my tattoo. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 1999, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/763 "1999-12-22T17:31:00Z")
You young punk sprint drinkers will never be able to beat a marathoner like UncleBeer. I may be a decrepit old man, but I’ve got a liver the size of a basketball; it’s got plenty of storage space. I’m sure you’ve all heard the fable of the tortoise and the hare. You do remember who won that little derby, don’t you? * * * “A zebra does not change its spots.” ~Al Gore, 1992~ ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 1999, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/764 "1999-12-22T22:20:00Z")
_raises eyebrow_ Oh yeah…I feel lucky, hon. I’ll see your 6 JD’s, and raise you…5 more. ## _slams them back, sways slightly, then straightens and smiles…_ Hon, I used to do this weekly…still feeling lucky? And the table ain’t high enough for both of us under it…yet. 😉 “Jesus Mary Joseph…you’re a biker chick!” - co-worker, upon hearing of my tattoo. ---
**Author:** ![TBone2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@TBone2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBone2)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 1999, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/765 "1999-12-23T00:30:00Z")
WHOA! Just bein’ around youse guys, I’m seein’ double… Damn! Every post I look at looks just like the one I just looked at looks just like the one I just looked at looks just like… [[[WHAP!!!]]] Oooh! Ok, I feel better now. ## Anybody spare a pinch o’ Copenhagen? I don’t know why fortune smiles on some and lets the rest go free… T ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 1999, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/766 "1999-12-23T02:37:00Z")
Oh good heavens. What is this one shot at a time wussy drinking? Here. Let me show you how it’s done. :::extracts very large bottle of Everclear from purse::: Now watch carefully. First, you open the bottle. :: :opens bottle::: Then you drink it. All of it. :::chugs full bottle::: There! Now everything is a lovely shade of blue. Please don’t dial any cell phones too close to me, okay? I may spark and explode. One thing before I start to hallucinate–there’s certainly no cheesy poofs in this bunch! Hey, whaddya know…there really are pink elephants! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 1999, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/767 "1999-12-23T03:12:00Z")
And now that we’re all blind-stinking drunk, it’s time for some good ol’ mache he-man activity, like … _chainsaw juggling!_ Who wants to go first? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 1999, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/768 "1999-12-23T03:16:00Z")
_buuuuurp_ Oops, sorry, typo slipped in there. Must be all that Jack Daniels whompin’ on my motor skills. To wit: Everybody knows that he-men are supposed to be _macho_, not papier-_mache_. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 1999, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/769 "1999-12-25T02:19:00Z")
This is Ernest Tirrbly of CNN: In a heartwarming but hard-news worthy story, police in Squirrelboink, Maine responded to a “suspicious intruder” call when startled residents reported a snow covered figure pedalling a _bicycle_ through 4’ drifts. When police responded, the nearly frozen figure fell from the bicycle and asked in a clear English accent the depth of the snow drifts in metric. The mystery traveller also raved about “unclebeer”, naked frolicking maidens, one of whom has a tacky gay person stuck in her hair. Squirrelboink P.D. promptly took the person into custody. He was transported to the local hospital and is now under sedation and warmly wrapped in a straight-jacket. Concerned locals have strung his cell with twinke lights and are playing Roger Whittaker CD’s into his cell, and feeding him homemade fruitcake. We will stay on top of this wrenching human interst story. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 1999, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/770 "1999-12-25T07:25:00Z")
Hey guys, can I drink with you? ::picks up the shot glass:: Wow, I’ve never drank stuff like this before! ::gulps it down:: Wow, that was- ::plop:: ::face twitches as SanibelMan pokes me with a stick:: * * * JMcC, San Francisco, [JJM’s page from the Bay](http://members.tripod.com/~weirdstuff/index.html) If I were beaned with a fastball, fling my limp, lifeless body to first, cause, dammit, I earned it! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 1999, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/771 "1999-12-25T09:10:00Z")
I call next for the stick! ---
**Author:** ![the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f1d935/32.png) [@the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Scarlet_Pimpernel)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 1999, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/772 "1999-12-25T12:00:00Z")
_WHAM!!!_ _the Scarlet Pimpernel kicks the front door open, carrying two plastic milk cartons filled with bottles of something that does not appear to be milk_ Yo, sorry Im late…do you guys have any idea what a pain in the ASS it is to smuggle two cases of snaps out of Denmark? (Oh, sorry, Seale…no offense…) They simply do not want to let the stuff out of the country!!! No no no no wait guys, wait…trust me, one bottle at a time is enough for everybody…lets just store these other bottles out here in the snow…youre supposed to drink it ice cold. Now, who’s hosting this party? Got any shot glasses? Never mind, I got some plastic ones with me from Denmark. Uhh…Cristi…I know it’s in a shot glass, but I wouldnt recommend drinking it all at once…fine, your funeral. _Scarlet knocks back half a shot glass and exhales yellow fumes while tears stream down her face_ WO! _koff_ _That’s_ alcohol. Anybody got any raw herring we can smoke? ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 1999, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/773 "1999-12-25T13:10:00Z")
Merry Christmas to all you Guy Stuffers, Oh and UncleBeer, here I have something for you. What do you mean, what is it? Haven’t you ever seen a mistletoe belt buckle before ? * * * Ayesha - Lioness * * * There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine (Thomas A. Edison) ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 1999, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/774 "1999-12-26T07:57:00Z")
Sweet Spoils of Annwn! Are ye folks still at this? I’d tip me hat to ye, but some hideous feckin’ little creature just snatched the damned thing and run off. Looked a bit like a charred ewe’s afterbirth with feet. Who owns that godforsaken creature? Anyway, I just wanted to drop this case of Glenfiddich off fer them what prefer to meet the never-was in style. I also brought a half-pint of Boodles and a tea-cup in the odd event that Englisher ever finds his way out of the moors. He’ll be needin’ a sip I expect. I’d hang around, but this don’t seem like a place where a gentleman should be be wearin’ a kilt, what with all the cheesy poofs and all . . . Dr. Watson. “Well yes, it is my monkey, but I have no idea how he learned French. I’m terribly sorry.” ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 1999, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/775 "1999-12-26T15:32:00Z")
Scarlet, I shall take your advice, I think. That Everclear had me seeing elephants. Big pink ones. :::sips lightly::: Mmmm. I think. My taste buds are shot. What the hell…am I still hallucinating, or did I just see the wombat racing by? Holy crow, is that little thing still alive? Wow. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 1999, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/776 "1999-12-27T02:09:00Z")
TVeblen said: * * * Squirrelboink, Maine * * * ## Thanks, Vebbie. There’s nothing quite like cracking up loudly in the middle of the night and having your neighbours knock on the walls, shouting at you to shut the fuck up 🙂 Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 1999, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/777 "1999-12-27T23:43:00Z")
Where am I? Is this a hospital? Oh, I see. Yes, I agree, riding a bicycle into a snowdrift, wearing only a pair of lycra shorts, was a bit risky. A cup of tea? That would be lovely! Umm, do you know what happened to my laptop? The police have it? Perhaps they could let me have it back once Forensics have finished with it. Errrr, what is the name of this place? Squirrelboink? How do you spell that? No, I’m not laughing, I, er, have a frog in my throat. Mppppphhhh! Well I’m sorry, I had no idea that the expression ‘frog in my throat’ wasn’t used in America. Where I come from, it just means a slight obstruction. I really don’t think there was any need to have a ‘Code Blue’ or whatever you did. Yes, it was a very rapid response and I agree that it would be very important to act like that in an emergency. Umm, how long do you think it will take for my chest hair to grow back? I hope I’m not being a nuisance, but I notice that Roger Whittaker is being played continuously. It’s to make me feel at home? Well that’s very kind of you, but do you have any Sting CD’s? Or Meatloaf? Shania Twain? No? Well, do you have a poster of Shania? Yes, I will be a good patient and go to sleep… * * * Why doesn’t the sun come out at night when the light would be more useful? (Pratchett) ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 1999, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/778 "1999-12-28T00:47:00Z")
## These Brits are taking their beef seriously. Now glee swallowed an entire FRENCHMAN to prove his point 😉 Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) ---
**Author:** ![StrTrkr777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@StrTrkr777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrTrkr777)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 1999, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/779 "1999-12-28T03:46:00Z")
This thread is at 777, I had to push it over. I am the only triple 7 around here. I now return you to you macho drinking. Jeffery ---
**Author:** ![PitBullDawg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@PitBullDawg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PitBullDawg)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 1999, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/780 "1999-12-28T11:04:00Z")
Anyone no how to cure a pit bull with gas? Not that I’m not proud of him for his overwhelming emissions, but damn I gotta breath at least long enough to smoke a joint. Work sucks tonight, but at least I get fresh air here. PitBullDawg [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130.md?page=38) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130.md?page=40)