# Guy Stuff **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 5, 1999, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130 "1999-11-05T19:00:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 47
**Author:** ![Kanooka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@Kanooka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kanooka)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/921 "2000-02-10T01:16:00Z")
Lawyer, eh? I just might arrange for this lawyer to suddenly find himself out in space without a suit… or up the creek without a paddle, persay. Oh, what the hey, where are the matches? And the lighter fluid? ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/922 "2000-02-10T02:26:00Z")
:: :peels self from wall after being flattened by liftoff::: Woohoo, what a rush! That was… Hey, what’s that smell? Is that…oh my Goddess, _Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies!_ Yaaaaaaaaaaah! :::loud face-stuffing sounds::: Buuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrp. ## Excuse me. Oh man, do I ever feel better! Now, where’s the beer? Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/923 "2000-02-10T04:50:00Z")
Sorry, no checks. And don’t forget that I get reimbursed at 40 cents a mile for every mile I travel. Someobdy talk to the guy who wants to space the lawyer, mmm? -Melin (Sultry and lawyerly are NOT mutually exclusive.) ---
**Author:** ![SunsetLightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SunsetLightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SunsetLightning)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/924 "2000-02-10T05:12:00Z")
_ **stumbles around the shuttle’s cargo bay drunkenly** _ Man…this is totally confusing…I feel all light-headed and junk… _ **tears off his business suit to reveal his prison outfit once again** _ Ahh…that’s the right feeling…really hits the spot… _ **falls backwards as a huge flash of light appears in front of him…watches as a demonic creature appears in front of him with some sort of gaming apparatus** _ Aww damn…Lucifer, it’s not time for another game of Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots, is it? Well…here goes nothing… ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/925 "2000-02-10T11:57:00Z")
- inserts Rush CD and hits play \* " Lit up with anticipation We arrive at the launching site The sky is still dark, nearing dawn On the Florida coastline Circling choppers slash the night With roving searchlight beams This magic day when super-science Mingles with the bright stuff of dreams Floodlit in the hazy distance The star of this unearthly show Venting vapours, like the breath Of a sleeping white dragon Crackling speakers, voices tense Resume the final count All systems check, T minus nine As the sun and the drama start to mount The air is charged a humid motionless mass The crowds and the cameras The cars full of spectators pass Excitement so thick you could cut it with a knife Technology high, on the leading edge of life The earth beneath us starts to tremble With the spreading of a low black cloud A thunderous roar shakes the air Like the whole world exploding Scorching blast of golden fire As it slowly leaves the ground Tears away with a mighty force The air is shattered by the awesome sound Like a pillar of cloud, the smoke lingers high in the air In fascination with the eyes of the world we stare " Wooohooo!!! Feel that mother pull!! Can we go faster? Floor this baby!! * * * **Coldfire** * * * _ **"You know how complex women are"** _ - Neil Peart, **Rush** (1993) ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/926 "2000-02-10T12:39:00Z")
John Glenn, is that you? What are you doin’ here you old fart? How’d you get aboard? ---
**Author:** ![metroshane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@metroshane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/metroshane)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/927 "2000-02-10T15:34:00Z")
I didn’t think you guys were ever gonna come back to pick me up. I fell off the roof of the van about 800 posts back. ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2000, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/928 "2000-02-10T15:58:00Z")
Oh Coldfire, that’s _deep!_ Hava brewski. ::Hiccup!:: Yo, Falcon, I think we need a pre-meeting on the floating skirt experiment; c’mere, honey! * * * VB I could never eat a mouse raw…their little feet are probably real cold going down. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2000, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/929 "2000-02-11T00:08:00Z")
Wheeeeeee! :::zero-gravity somersault::: Wheeeeeee! :::zero-gravity somersault::: THUMP! Oops, sorry, Elelle. This weightless thing is just so **cool!** Hey, could somebody float me a beer? :::gracefully snags floating beer bottle, and somersaults again::: Wheeeeeee! * * * Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to. ---
**Author:** ![Yue\_Han](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/eada6e/32.png) [@Yue\_Han](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yue_Han)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2000, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/930 "2000-02-11T22:21:00Z")
Ah, this is the life. _drinks some tequila_ Booze, women, space. We’re the world’s first orbiting party. _Eats space food_ Mmmm… calimari paste. Hey, what the hell is that out the port window!? Jesus Christ, it’s-- did we happen to bring along Krispy Original, guys? ‘Cause that’s a frickin’ UFO. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/931 "2000-02-12T02:45:00Z")
{thump, crackle, feedback, crowd noises} This is Loreal Sassoon, ABC News, live from NASA headquarters. We are awaiting Earnest Twitchely, PR Target and Spinmeister for NASA. ::gray faced sacrifice approaches microphone; reporters shout and circle:: **Reporter** : Is it true that a space shuttle has been hijacked? **Twitchely** : Uh, no! Ridiculous! It’s grossly irresponsible to say that! **Reporter** Then why was there an unscheduled blast-off? **Twitchely** : Uh, it _wasn’t_ unscheduled! It was secret! **Reporter** : So is that why NORAD and all global defense systems went into “scramble mode” and nearly caused nuclear war? **Twitchely** : Uh, exactly! A secret test isn’t real if anyone knows about it! **Reporter** : So the intercepted radio transmissions are false? The chatter about tequila, beer, charred weasels and Cheese Doodles are _false_? **Twitchely** : Urp. **Reporter** : Who is crewing the flight? Is there any truth to the rumor that it includes drunks, misfits, rowdies, a Canadian heart patient, sex fiends and dead animal parts? **Twitchely** : Uhh…I’d like to turn the press conference over to our legal counsel. Ms. Melin? ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/932 "2000-02-12T02:48:00Z")
Wheeeeeee! :::zero-gravity somersault::: Hey you guys! Look out the window! Little green guys! What the…hey, they’re holding up a sign! :: :peering out window::: BWAAA!! You guys! The sign says “MARS NEEDS BEER!” Well, whaddya know. Martian “Guy Stuff.” * * * Changing my sig, because Wally said to, and I really like Wally, and I’ll do anything he says, anytime he says to. ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/933 "2000-02-12T03:08:00Z")
Cristi, that Space Helmet is beautiful! Give that Guy-al a collander, tin foil & duct tape! Looky…if ya pour the tequila out into the air like :::this::: Ya can do two somersaults before ya sluuuurrrrppp it up! Wheeeeeee! Except somersaults make me feel kinda queasy. Uh-OHhhhhhhh… ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/934 "2000-02-12T03:11:00Z")
(Stumbles out of cargo bay with short grey thing what bears a frightening resemblance to a tall, upright version of the weasel.) Hey folks! I wantya ta meet me new pal Kzrszfrkl. Them kind space critters just off the port side traded me a couple hundred bottles of this here GalactiBrew (holds up oddly shaped, eerily glowing bottle) fer a case o’ Charmin. Kzrszfrkl here thought we might be goin’ in his direction, and decided to hitch up. He don’t say much, but ye oughta see this sombitch drink! Where’s this feckin’ oversized bottle rocket headed anyhow? Dr. Watson “That’s not me arm woman!” ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/935 "2000-02-12T03:16:00Z")
Geez, Elelle, if you’re gonna hurl, at least have the decency to open a window and puke outside. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/936 "2000-02-12T03:18:00Z")
No…_wait!_ ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/937 "2000-02-12T03:39:00Z")
Dr. Watson, ya traded the Charmin??? Damn Guy Stuff… ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/938 "2000-02-12T04:02:00Z")
: :pitiful moaning:: Oh, gaack. I think my spleen or pancreas or something is shrink-wrapped around my spinal column. “Extreme” drop theme park rides don’t prepare for this. ::barfs tactfully in Sealemon’s space boot:: Ooooh, shit. Now people are tumbling and bobbing around. How the hell can you say “horizontal hula” when they’re…::urp:: This is _not_ a flashback. Lights and colors are okay, but I’m seeing writhing bodies in weightless tangles, floating tequila globules and Crick feeding Day-Glo Tang to an charred wombat. What’s that red light and beeping noise coming from the control panel? Tequila, beer, I beg of you, Veb ---
**Author:** ![Yue\_Han](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/eada6e/32.png) [@Yue\_Han](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yue_Han)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/939 "2000-02-12T04:47:00Z")
The beeping? That’s the brand-new Tequilic Drive system. Our new friends helped set it up. Their civilization was founded by a similar thread. You see, by mastering the Tequilicastic Infidubilum-- that’s the source of the infinite tequila-- we can propel the shuttle at speeds in excess of the speed of light. We’re headed for Alpha Centauri. I hear there’s a guy there how can hook us up with a time machine. And then it’s Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Resteraunt at the End of the Universe. The Drive oughtta be online soon. I gotta get back to work– _pauses to watch Cristi spin in the Zero-G._ in just a second. Gimme a beer. ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2000, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guy-stuff/14130/940 "2000-02-12T09:51:00Z")
Ground control to Major Yan.           Ground control to Major Yan.           Take your anti-nausea pills,           And put your helmet on.           \ \

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