# Guys (and gals), how attractive was the first person that you had sex with? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 24, 2014, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465 "2014-11-24T05:10:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/41 "2014-11-24T19:55:06Z")
Attractiveness is a completely subject standard. Different from beauty, which is also completely subjective. My first, while not conventionally beautiful, was very attractive to me. The best sex I ever had was with women who were attractive but not conventionally beautiful. Just something about them rung my bell. All in all, I kinda prefer it that way. Attractiveness is funny. Any woman who wears either sun tan lotion, lavender soap or any of three fairly popular perfumes instantly becomes attractive to me. I _AM_ Pavlov’s dog. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/42 "2014-11-24T20:06:31Z")
I’d tell you but my brain seems to have blocked all memories of the event. I’m sure she was gorgeous tho. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lemmytheseal2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/82dd89/32.png) [@Lemmytheseal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemmytheseal2)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/43 "2014-11-24T20:10:49Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Feeling bad about yourself won’t help anything, but don’t kid yourself. You’re already a fairly extreme outlier by western standards. The fact that you can find older examples easily on the Internet doesn’t say very much. > > Have you dated women you consider attractive? Do you make out with good looking women without actually having intercourse? > > It’d be better to think candidly about how your romantic life has gone so far. Calling yourself an 8 or 9, frankly, sounds pretty unrealistic. But even if you’re really gorgeous, a better question would be - how do your dates go? Do they want 2nd and 3rd dates? How often are you shot down when you do ask someone out? > > If good looking women don’t want to date you, or don’t want to date you more than once, it doesn’t really matter how good looking you are, because **apparently something else is turning them off**. If you are always the one to end things, then looking at your own standards would start to make sense. > > Personally if I did some honest analysis and realized something about me was turning off good looking women, I’d decide to \*\*work on those parts of me \*\*before lowering my own standards, but an honest self assessment would still be a good start. How does one find out what those things are? I’ve been wondering for many years. By and large, nobody wants to date me. I’ve never been shy. I ask, and they either ignore me, or say no. To answer the OP, if you count heavy petting, my first experience was at 20, with an absolutely beautiful partner. My hands shook, a phenomenon I would not feel again for a decade. I’ve been friends with this person for most of the intervening years, and now, not only are they single again, but I will be staying with them for a couple of days at the end of this week. I’ve been advised that I will regret it forever if I don’t make it plain just how much I love this person, but I’m terrified of jeopardizing our friendship. If you only count PIV intercourse, that was at 28. My partner was quite gorgeous as well, but this was a one-night stand. I jumped at the chance, inasmuch as I hadn’t had as much as a kiss in two years by then. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/44 "2014-11-24T20:19:18Z")
> [@Lemmytheseal2](#): > > How does one find out what those things are? I’ve been wondering for many years. By and large, nobody wants to date me. I’ve never been shy. I ask, and they either ignore me, or say no. How does ignoring you work? Do you look women in the eye, ask them out on a date, and literally get no response? That sounds very unusual and would hint at an equally unusual problem. Do you approach women on the street you don’t even know, for example? How many women have you dated in the past 5 years? How many have you asked out on dates and been rejected or ignored? ---
**Author:** ![Lemmytheseal2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/82dd89/32.png) [@Lemmytheseal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemmytheseal2)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/45 "2014-11-24T20:33:16Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > How does ignoring you work? Do you look women in the eye, ask them out on a date, and literally get no response? That sounds very unusual and would hint at an equally unusual problem. Do you approach women on the street you don’t even know, for example? Ignoring somebody online is pretty much the default. In person, it more often takes the form of giving evasive, non-committal answers, or then not answering the phone or returning any forms of communication, hoping that I will get the hint and go away. No, I’m not approaching anyone I don’t already know. On the contrary, I’m a little baffled as to how people do that sort of thing based solely on looks and other superficial things! > [@](#): > > How many women have you dated in the past 5 years? How many have you asked out on dates and been rejected or ignored? Define “dated.” As for the latter, I will do some thinking and get back to you. Some of the former may have become the latter, depending on how we define it. Also, what makes you so sure I’m male? “Lemmy” is usually a male name, but it might not be mine. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/46 "2014-11-24T20:36:43Z")
It took a while, but I finally came to the realization that I’d rather have sex with women who were fun, funny and smart, than with vapid women who were simply attractive. Their bodies weren’t perfect and they weren’t ‘beautiful’ in the accepted sense, but they were enthusiastic and loving in and out of bed, which makes up for anything else. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/47 "2014-11-24T20:38:33Z")
> [@Lemmytheseal2](#): > > To answer the OP, if you count heavy petting, my first experience was at 20, with an absolutely beautiful partner. My hands shook, a phenomenon I would not feel again for a decade. I’ve been friends with this person for most of the intervening years, and now, not only are they single again, but I will be staying with them for a couple of days at the end of this week. I’ve been advised that I will regret it forever if I don’t make it plain just how much I love this person, but I’m terrified of jeopardizing our friendship. I’m a hopeless romantic. My brain understands all the rational reasons you might not want to jeopardize the friendship, but my heart says: do it! I know I’m glad I took that chance with a dear friend 12 years ago. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/48 "2014-11-24T20:43:29Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > It took a while, but I finally came to the realization that I’d rather have sex with women who were fun, funny and smart, than with vapid women who were simply attractive. Why does it have to be either/or? You and many others in this thread are creating a false dichotomy: Gorgeous but boring in/out of bed, vs. not-so-gorgeous and fabulous in/out of bed. There are plenty of people who are good-looking, nice, fun, AND good in bed. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/49 "2014-11-24T20:47:56Z")
i couldn’t tell, i put a pillow case over her head. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/50 "2014-11-24T20:55:56Z")
> [@Lemmytheseal2](#): > > Ignoring somebody online is pretty much the default. In person, it more often takes the form of giving evasive, non-committal answers, or then not answering the phone or returning any forms of communication, hoping that I will get the hint and go away. No, I’m not approaching anyone I don’t already know. On the contrary, I’m a little baffled as to how people do that sort of thing based solely on looks and other superficial things! Ok, that makes more sense. Incidentally people do that either because (rarely) they think it’s kinder to let you down easily or (more often) because it’s easier for them than rejecting you more decisively. > [@Lemmytheseal2](#): > > Define “dated.” As for the latter, I will do some thinking and get back to you. Some of the former may have become the latter, depending on how we define it. Also, what makes you so sure I’m male? “Lemmy” is usually a male name, but it might not be mine. You described your partners as gorgeous and absolutely beautiful, then mentioned penis in vagina intercourse. It’s possible that beautiful, gorgeous men fuck your vagina with their penises but that seems unlikely to me. Also I don’t care what definition you use. I was wondering how large of a sample size you have to work with. ---
**Author:** ![Doyle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doyle/32/439_2.png) [@Doyle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doyle)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/51 "2014-11-24T21:00:29Z")
I was 15 and she was 16. Pretty good looking but had a notorious reputation. ---
**Author:** ![Lemmytheseal2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/82dd89/32.png) [@Lemmytheseal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemmytheseal2)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/52 "2014-11-24T21:29:37Z")
**Fuzzy Dunlop** , here’s the best that I can determine: In the past five years, not counting online-only rejections, seven people have rejected me before we even got to one date, though we had at least talked in other circumstances for varying lengths of time before that. Three others rejected me after between one and three dates, while I would have liked to continue. As many as eight others had insufficient chemistry, and we both seemed to realize that (though that experience varied widely; one of whom was the one-night stand mentioned above!) And then I had a rather intense few months with the second person to make my hands shake, but for complicated reasons we weren’t technically “dating.” We are close friends still. In the last five years, I have not had any relationship marked by numerous consecutive dates, and I arguably never have. I’ve been trying to figure out why for a long time. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/53 "2014-11-24T21:44:11Z")
Lemmy - I’m beginning to suspect what part of the problem might be. Could you please tell us CLEARLY what your own gender/sex is and what your preferred gender/sex is? If you and/or your partners are not and/or have not been cisgendered, could you please clarify what is going on here? ---
**Author:** ![Lemmytheseal2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/82dd89/32.png) [@Lemmytheseal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemmytheseal2)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/54 "2014-11-24T21:58:55Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Lemmy - > > I’m beginning to suspect what part of the problem might be. > > Could you please tell us CLEARLY what your own gender/sex is and what your preferred gender/sex is? > > If you and/or your partners are not and/or have not been cisgendered, could you please clarify what is going on here? I had really wanted to avoid prejudicing (however unwittingly) anyone’s answers due to assumed gender roles, but if it will help, I am in fact heterosexual, cisgender, male, and 32. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/55 "2014-11-24T22:05:33Z")
To the OP’s question: I was eighteen. She was nineteen. She had a vagina that she allowed me access to. Therefore, she was the hottest girl in the world. Looking back, I’m ashamed of the whole thing. This girl had a lot of dysfunction in her life, and not a lot of fun - she had a chronic disease that she expected to die from within a decade, and a huge surgical scar on her abdomen. She was lonely, and used sex for validation; I don’t think she even particularly enjoyed it. She certainly never had an orgasm when she was with me, although that could very well have been a function of my ineptitude and inexperience. We had a brief fling, then she dumped me for another freshman, then him for another. Later she left school after one of her hookups posted a screed describing her sexual habits and naming her partners in two or three places around the school. A year or so later, she died in a car wreck. All in all, a tawdry experience, the moreso as I was committing infidelity when I slept with her. On the other hand, one of her other booty calls became my closest, life-long friend. We’re still in contact twenty-five years on. And I don’t know how many other men experienced their very first orgasm in a vagina. All this to say, OP, waiting until you’re in your twenties to lose your cherry is not such a bad thing. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/56 "2014-11-24T22:30:03Z")
My first experience (me 16, she 15) was with a pretty good looking girl. Overall appearance probably average, maybe 15 lbs heavier than the average ideal, but breasts to die for. We never went all the way (I was the holdout, actually) but we did just about everything else. The relationship lasted about six months before she moved; that was probably for the best, since she was not exactly a stable personality. My second experience was with my wife (though we were not married at the time). She’s not going to rate high on the attractiveness scale, but is good evidence of what some people are saying: that the strong personal connection can make up for that to a large degree. I certainly didn’t (and still don’t) feel like I was settling to have pursued her. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2014, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/57 "2014-11-24T23:58:23Z")
Mine met the only criteria to me that mattered… cute / hot to me. Everyone else? Who cares? ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2014, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/58 "2014-11-25T00:12:43Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > There are plenty of people who are good-looking, nice, fun, AND good in bed. Yes but we are few and far between. It’s a burden I tell ya. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2014, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/59 "2014-11-25T00:26:25Z")
A real stunner and way out of my class ----- but I had a job, some money and a Harley and those things counted for a lot in the early 70s. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2014, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465/60 "2014-11-25T00:37:50Z")
> [@Doyle](#): > > Pretty good looking but had a notorious reputation. Those are the best ones… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-and-gals-how-attractive-was-the-first-person-that-you-had-sex-with/705465.md?page=4)