# Guys: How Did You Manage to NOT Get the Multiple Obvious Clues that She Liked You? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346 "2010-02-17T16:25:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/81 "2010-02-18T05:42:47Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I think that as this thread progresses, we’re going to see this answer more and more. And I’d bet that we’ve all that that actually happen a few times. If it’s really embarassing, it can stick with you for a really long time. I think so too. When I was younger, I heard a speaker once comment that “a male’s biggest fear in life is to be rejected by a woman he feels is attractive.” So far, haven’t seen any evidence disproving it. I missed a lot just because I was finally happy getting any attention AT ALL from the opposite sex. So why would I risk what I just FINALLY got? ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/82 "2010-02-18T06:17:19Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > I don’t know, I’d probably absolutely freak out if someone just started making out with me, even if I was lovestruck. Huge violation of personal space (and this is from someone who regularly plays “hit each other over the head” and will hug anything that moves). I can’t even imagine kissing someone until after 3 or 4 dates. Granted, see above. If you read my post above, you can see that we hung out a few times before we did anything nasty (plus we were coworkers for a few months as well). 🙂 Of course, different strokes and all. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/83 "2010-02-18T06:24:39Z")
> [@Rack-a-Bones](#): > > I am just checking in to urge and encourage all the ladies out there to adopt **HazelNutCoffee** ’s method of “signaling.” I think even **tdn** would catch that signal. 🙂 Yes, seconded. All girls should be as attractive as well. I think the worst thing about missing signals is often you don’t even notice you’ve missed them. And then it’s too late usually. Personally, I tend not to miss signals, instead creating ones that aren’t there… That has problems of its own, but never anything serious for me so far at least. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/84 "2010-02-18T07:56:42Z")
At a certain point, it’s not worth the bother. Ignoring signals can be a tactful way of rejecting interest. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/85 "2010-02-18T13:57:39Z")
> [@Lok](#): > > So, how you doin’? 😉 Great! My bf and I are about to celebrate 2 years together 🙂 And yes, I asked him out. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/86 "2010-02-18T13:59:11Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > Yes, seconded. All girls should be as attractive as well. By definition, if you’re attracted to them, they’re attractive. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/87 "2010-02-18T14:11:23Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > By definition, if you’re attracted to them, they’re attractive. 🙂 So, XKCD told you about the tautology club huh? ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/88 "2010-02-18T15:00:59Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > I do think it’s interesting that in our attempts to insulate ourselves from rejection, we deny ourselves happiness. > > When in doubt, ask. “Hey Mandy - I think you are cool. Would going out for coffee hurt the good thing we’ve got going on here? Cause I like you.” > > Done. If she’s like, hey, I like you too - but let’s not do the coffee thing - then Hurray! Gone are the minutes and hours you twist and turn uncomfortably, wondering where you stand. > > And if she says - hell ya, let’s do coffee AND each other - then Hurray! Gone are the minutes and hours you twist and turn uncomfortably, wondering where you stand. > > It’s a win-win either way. > > Which is why I don’t play games anymore - I just ask guys out. And win! Of course, her answer could be, “You’re like a brother to me and that’s really weird,” then immediately becomes very “busy” for the next couple of years. The solution isn’t always win-win. And yes, it’s happened to me. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/89 "2010-02-18T15:24:31Z")
I found out over Christmas that a girl I was friends with as a teen thought we were dating. Being gay myself I found that odd. I’ve also realized a couple other times that a girl was into me. I just never notice because I’m not into them that way so it doesn’t cross my mind that they might be into me. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/90 "2010-02-18T16:16:27Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > I found out over Christmas that a girl I was friends with as a teen thought we were dating. Being gay myself I found that odd. I’ve also realized a couple other times that a girl was into me. I just never notice because I’m not into them that way so it doesn’t cross my mind that they might be into me. Oh gosh, I remember having a huge crush on this guy in high school who hadn’t come out yet. We used to hang out, watch movies, do the whole cuddly thing, and then I found he was gay and thus not interested. Our “relationship” didn’t really change and I actually ended up introducing him to his first b/f…go figure? ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/91 "2010-02-18T16:27:51Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Of course, her answer could be, “You’re like a brother to me and that’s really weird,” then immediately becomes very “busy” for the next couple of years. The solution isn’t always win-win. > > And yes, it’s happened to me. Actually, it is. Because you now know that she isn’t in to you - no more need to wonder. That’s the whole point - rather than hours torturing yourself either way - you ask - you find out - and either way you know. And in the words of NBC, the more you know . . . ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/92 "2010-02-18T17:03:36Z")
> [@Zorlon](#): > > No, no, you have the wrong idea. Remember, I doubted this girl was interested in me that way, so I all I asked her to do was hangout at a friends house. We were just hanging out at my friend’s house with some other friends of mine. > > And while we’re hanging out somehow strippers come up, so I’m like “let’s just hire one” and we look on craigslist, and we hire one. Then call a few other friends over to watch the show. > > The girl didn’t really get upset until the stripper rang the bell. I guess she didn’t want me watching a stripper while I was on what she considered-and I didn’t realize she did- a date with her. > > So it wasn’t anything weird like I have a fetish where a women who likes me must watch me drool over and feel up other ladies, who are letting me do that for money, before I will date her. And certainly nothing like I was paying a whore to have a threesome with us. I really don’t get this. I mean, I get that you weren’t sure if she was romantically interested in you, but if _you_ were romantically interested in _her_, why would you hire a stripper while she’s there? What the hell is up with that? ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/93 "2010-02-18T19:02:17Z")
I’ve had several women send me what, according to this thread, are obvious cues, and then back way the hell off or actually get insulted when I ask them out. I’ve had several women send me very mixed signals, and then get upset when I don’t ask them out. I’ve had several women give me what they told me were obvious clues, but actually turned out to be either mixed or nearly unnoticeable. I have never once had a woman give me clear signals and then follow up when asked out. Now, I’m pretty sure women aren’t giving me any signals at all (besides nausea) so I don’t even bother looking. ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/94 "2010-02-18T19:14:16Z")
I don’t know… I had this female friend in college. All of my (male) friends told me she was “obviously” interested in me. Some of her (female) friends told me she was “obviously” interested in me. So I asked her out. She wasn’t interested in me. So, I still don’t know… ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/95 "2010-02-18T19:33:02Z")
I’ve only been through this once that I know of (maybe a dozen women have been “signaling” and I never noticed although now they’d have to talk to my wife) and here’s the super-short version: Friend in college, we had work schedules where I’d get back to the dorms at midnight, just as she started her shift as door-ID-checker. So we’d hang out and talk, etc. Two years of this. Sometimes she was dating someone, sometimes I was… etc. I’m out of college and she calls me one day to say she’s (A) moving to the Chicago area and (B) doing so because she’s getting engaged. I jokingly say “Damn, there goes my chance with you” and she says “You know, I always wondered why you never asked me out.” She says that she was always waiting for me to make the move and would have – of course! – agreed. Analysis: (A) Timing. It seemed like one of us would be dating while the other wasn’t. Or recovering from a breakup where a move would seem predatory. (B) Friend-Zone. After a while you’re such good friends that what could be flirting gets lost in the noise. Things like a long hug or sitting right next to someone on the couch when it’s just you two or resting a head on a shoulder become just those things male/female friends do so you don’t think “Whoah, she’s damn near sitting in my lap.” © Inertia. After a year or two, you don’t expect things to change and ignore signs to that effect. (D) Self-Esteem. She was really cute, perky and often had guys’ attention even though she didn’t date much casually. I wouldn’t have expected her to be interested in me romantically. (E) Blind. I just don’t pick up on stuff. Edit: I take it back. I’ve had TWO experiences like that, one in high school. Which was the same stuff (co-worker friends, etc). So add “Slow Learner” to my list. Thank God I’m married now. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/96 "2010-02-18T19:36:34Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > Furthermore, if a guy does not see himself as particularly attractive to women, he will not be looking out for these “signals,” and even if he sees them he may well disbelieve and think it is just wishful thinking. This is a big one. At least for some guys at some points in our lives, the idea that a girl might like us is not on our radar. It’s something that happens to other people, not to us. ---
**Author:** ![Tixenfleaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9a140/32.png) [@Tixenfleaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tixenfleaz)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/97 "2010-02-18T19:59:18Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > So, as a personal defense mechanism, I learned to be wary of the signals I did detect. I suspect there are other men who have the same experience. Oh yeah. In my younger years I was a bit of a proving ground for young ladies eager to test out their newfound flirting skills. After a few embarrasing incidents, a girl would pretty much have to crawl on my lap and lick my neck before I’d get the hint. I’m much better at figuring it out now, but still a bit wary.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_Tightlips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/57b2e6/32.png) [@Joey\_Tightlips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_Tightlips)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/98 "2010-02-18T20:09:16Z")
I can tell you exactly why I miss signals. Story time: Me, middle school, around age 12. I was known in school for being a nerd but for the most part the guys left me alone with my fellow nerd buddies. I never had a female friend and at the time couldn’t care less. One day the gym teacher is out so the whole class is goofing off. Naturally, boys on one side, girls on the other. My buddy tells me that the new French-exchange girl is totally starting at me. I glance over, sure enough, it’s undeniable. By nature, I quickly turn away. Over the next few minutes she continues making noises trying to get my attention. I make quick eye contact before turning away. Meanwhile I’m trying to rationalize what’s going on, maybe because she’s new here she doesn’t realize yet that I’m the class nerd and therefore not to be flirted with. The game continues until finally I decide to man up and look without turning away. This time she gives me a slow sultry wink. In the boldest move of my young life I grin, tilt my head and wink back. This is immediately followed by the entire pack of girls cackling like hyenas, pointing and laughing to murmers of “OMG that was SOOO MEAN!!!”. To sum up- why are some guys oblivious regardless of blatant signals? Because no matter how much you mature and try to look at things rationally, you NEVER get over shit like that. It’s a defense mechanism pure and simple. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/99 "2010-02-18T20:30:51Z")
> [@Joey\_Tightlips](#): > > I can tell you exactly why I miss signals… That was difficult to read. I’m sure I’ve blanked out similar memories. ---
**Author:** ![magnusblitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@magnusblitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magnusblitz)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346/100 "2010-02-18T21:07:35Z")
I’ve been the recipient of some of the various signals listed in the other thread, only to later find out that, no, apparently there was no interest after all, just being friendly. So now I don’t even try to read the signals now. Too many false positives. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-did-you-manage-to-not-get-the-multiple-obvious-clues-that-she-liked-you/529346.md?page=6)