# Guys: How do I ask for your phone # platonically? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 20, 2004, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146 "2004-09-20T16:06:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/41 "2004-09-21T17:42:28Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > This is crazy. I am male and almost all of my friends are females. I am also married. It has been that way since college and I am 31 now. Oddly enough, all but one is very attractive. I call them in front of my wife. I see them one-on-one. There is even an occasional dinner out. There is nothing wrong with that and some people can do it just fine so cut the “impossible”, “ulterior motives” shit. > > Now, how did it get that way. I actually had two of them as roomates in college so that is a little extreme. I met three at work. The others are not as close but I met them at random events, parties etc. We just established a common interest that we both wanted to follow up on. I have given dozens of females my phone number or e-mail addres over the years for these reasons and vice versa. It usually doen’t go anywhere and neither of us has the motivation to call but sometimes you establish a bond. As in romantic relationships however, be aware that there may be some strikeouts and even some mild humiliation involved with this. You, sir, are _not_ a geek. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/42 "2004-09-21T19:20:33Z")
> [@Elenia28](#): > > I really have NO idea how to do this. Is this even done? > > Say I just met you. At an event, or something relatively neutral. (Not a bar, an obvious hook-up place). I want to be friends with you, but I know once we leave we might never see each other again. > > If you were female, I’d ask you easily. But now that you’re a guy, I have to worry about getting it across that I am not interested in you sexually. > > So how do I do this? I You don’t. The only context in which you can do this wiithout leading a man on (whether you intend to or not) is the scenario some have mentioned) of social relationships derived out of coupling. Unless most men thnk they have a chance, the sexual tension of being “just pals” with an off limits woman is annoying, even if she is an interesting person. Men can explain this till they’re blue in the face, but most women just _can’t_ understand this because they’re not wired that way. Most women really just don’t understand this. “But why can’t we just be friends?” they ask plaintively. It’s wiring, and it’s biology, and myabe little bit of [ladder theory](http://www.laddertheory.com/). There are rare scenarios where men and women who are not sexually attracted or interested in each other can have these platonic relationships, but these requre non-attraction on the part of both parties. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/43 "2004-09-21T19:23:27Z")
PIMF > [@](#): > > There are rare scenarios where men and women who are not sexually attracted **to each other, but who are intellectually interested in each other** can have these platonic relationships, but these requre sexual non-attraction on the part of both parties. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/44 "2004-09-21T19:32:07Z")
> [@Elenia28](#): > > See the thing is…I like hanging out with guys better. So does my SO. I…I’m going to make this into another thread. Marge (on Jon Waters): He prefers the company of men. Homer: We ALL do! – I don’t have any female friends. Don’t want any. I don’t consider my male friends manly enough for me. If a woman asked for my number, I wouldn’t want to give it to her because it means she’s only interested in 2 things: 1. sleeping with me 2. being friends with me Neither of which I desire. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/45 "2004-09-21T19:33:24Z")
actually Homer said, “well, who doesn’t?” IIRC, which I clearly don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/46 "2004-09-21T21:11:56Z")
[Middle-age guy hat _on_] Okay. You want to be platonic friends with a guy, only platonic friends, and forever platonic friends with no chance of him ever thinking he has a chance? 1. Make his acquaintance in a non-sexual environment, like work. 2. Become his friend only in group settings 3. Make it clear from the start that you are in a committed relationship 4. Ask him what kind of girl he likes. Even if he describes you right down to the birthmark on your shoulder, reply only with “that sounds exactly like my friend Monique. I’ll bet you two would get along great!” [Middle-age guy hat _off_] ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/47 "2004-09-21T21:50:54Z")
> [@Debaser](#): > > **Shakes** nailed it. > > He’s going to be flamed by a dozen posters for it, but he does speak the truth. No, he speaks bullshit. I have no doubt that it would be impossible for a woman to become **SHAKES** ’s platonic friend, and presumably that applies to you as well. But your values are not everyone’s values, and your experiences are not the same as everyone else’s. Intersex friendships are perfectly possible. This is easily proved by the fact that _they happen frequently_. To insist that this sort of thing is doomed to failure is just silly. > [@Elenia28](#): > > Guys: How do I ask for your phone # platonically? There is no one answer that will work for everyone. Several people have suggested that suggesting some coupley thing is “the one way to go”. It is of course not the one way to go. It is a smart way of going about it that would probably work on many people. On me, however, it would fail utterly (not in making me understand the platonicalness of the thing, just in actually interesting me) for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I don’t have a SO, and thus have some trouble doing coupley things. What _would_ work on me is directness: “By the way, I was wondering what your phone number is. Only, I don’t want you to think I’m romantically interested, as I’m not.” But I’m all about the direct communication. Such a request would frighten off a lot of people. Sorry, no easy answers. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/48 "2004-09-21T22:28:24Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > No, he speaks bullshit. I have no doubt that it would be impossible for a woman to become **SHAKES** ’s platonic friend, and presumably that applies to you as well. But your values are not everyone’s values, and your experiences are not the same as everyone else’s. > Intersex friendships are perfectly possible. This is easily proved by the fact that _they happen frequently_. > To insist that this sort of thing is doomed to failure is just silly. > There is no one answer that will work for everyone. Several people have suggested that suggesting some coupley thing is “the one way to go”. It is of course not the one way to go. It is a smart way of going about it that would probably work on many people. On me, however, it would fail utterly (not in making me understand the platonicalness of the thing, just in actually interesting me) for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I don’t have a SO, and thus have some trouble doing coupley things. > What _would_ work on me is directness: “By the way, I was wondering what your phone number is. Only, I don’t want you to think I’m romantically interested, as I’m not.” But I’m all about the direct communication. Such a request would frighten off a lot of people. > Sorry, no easy answers. You can offer the suggestion of a platonic relationship to a man with all the feelgood “not in that way” qualifiers that you want. The only way a platonic relationship is going to work as a _real_ platonic relationship, from the man’s perspective, is if the guy is not sexually interested in you in any way. I’ll willing to bet that there are number of women who _think_ they have “not in that way” single, non gay, male “friends”. I’d also be willing to bet that given the invite those “friends” would not hesitate to boff them silly. It’s not polite to say, but in real world terms, less sexually attractive women have a much\* easier time making “platonic” male friends than hotties. If you’re even mildly sexually interesting, being friendly and physically proximate, yet unavailable, is annoying and frustrating to most men. ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/49 "2004-09-21T23:17:18Z")
> [@astro](#): > > You can offer the suggestion of a platonic relationship to a man with all the feelgood “not in that way” qualifiers that you want. The only way a platonic relationship is going to work as a _real_ platonic relationship, from the man’s perspective, is if the guy is not sexually interested in you in any way. I’ll willing to bet that there are number of women who _think_ they have “not in that way” single, non gay, male “friends”. I’d also be willing to bet that given the invite those “friends” would not hesitate to boff them silly. 'scuse me? I have a penis. And I wouldn’t have sex with any of my female friends, some because I don’t find them attractive, some because it would be an amazingly bad idea. And even if I would have had sex with them, this would not have detracted even slightly from my ability to relate to them on a non-sexual level. What on earth makes you think that you know what goes on in my mind better than I do? Do you realize that you’re essentially calling every man a liar, that claims to be other than what you’re categorizing us as? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/50 "2004-09-21T23:53:53Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > 'scuse me? I have a penis. And I wouldn’t have sex with any of my female friends, some because I don’t find them attractive, some because it would be an amazingly bad idea. The big heads notion of “an amazingly bad idea” is often quite different from the little heads. > [@](#): > > And even if I would have had sex with them, this would not have detracted even slightly from my ability to relate to them on a non-sexual level. :dubious: > [@](#): > > What on earth makes you think that you know what goes on in my mind better than I do? Do you realize that you’re essentially calling every man a liar, that claims to be other than what you’re categorizing us as? You’re a very good person who is pure of heart. If I see an attractive, single female, non-attached, “friend” packed into a pair of ass hugging jeans, and a clingly top I’m going to want to fuck her. Sure, we can talk about the Romanov Dynasty, birds with poisonous feathers, what will replace the Space Shuttle, our kids, the Sopranos “bear” episode, and myriad other fascinating subjects, but foremost on my mind will be ravishing her. If she’s a good cook, and feeds me veggie lasagna while wearing that outfit I’ll tear up, fall to my knees and ask her to marry me. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/51 "2004-09-22T00:21:37Z")
> [@astro](#): > > If I see an attractive, single female, non-attached, “friend” packed into a pair of ass hugging jeans, and a clingly top I’m going to want to fuck her. Sure, we can talk about the Romanov Dynasty, birds with poisonous feathers, what will replace the Space Shuttle, our kids, the Sopranos “bear” episode, and myriad other fascinating subjects, but foremost on my mind will be ravishing her. If she’s a good cook, and feeds me veggie lasagna while wearing that outfit I’ll tear up, fall to my knees and ask her to marry me. Sorry. Have I claimed otherwise? The point here is that you and I are not the same person. The superficial likeness of our genitalia being similar does not imply a deeper similarity. Lots of people are like you - and lots of people are like me. The way you personally work does not have the status of The Way Things Are. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/52 "2004-09-22T01:00:33Z")
> [@](#): > > You’re a very good person who is pure of heart. If I see an attractive, single female, non-attached, “friend” packed into a pair of ass hugging jeans, and a clingly top I’m going to want to fuck her. Sure, we can talk about the Romanov Dynasty, birds with poisonous feathers, what will replace the Space Shuttle, our kids, the Sopranos “bear” episode, and myriad other fascinating subjects, but foremost on my mind will be ravishing her. If she’s a good cook, and feeds me veggie lasagna while wearing that outfit I’ll tear up, fall to my knees and ask her to marry me. Sorry. Aw, man, I’m so glad **Astro** joined in on this thread. 90% of the time he’s thinking exactly what I’m thinking, except he has a much better way of putting it. That’s fucking great!! I will go on to say though that I myself have plutonic female friends but most of these friends I have are girls I’ve known since High school or college, I’ve met at work or have met through _mutual_ friends. Not of these women did I happen to meet at a chance event such as a walk-a-thon ect… And yes I will agree that there are men out there who get along better with women than they do men. But these guys are more of your effeminate type guys (not gay) and as has been said before most guys aren’t that way. Which is what I think the op needs to understand… ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/53 "2004-09-22T02:29:17Z")
I don’t care who said what-this _isn’t_ the BBQ Pit, so knock it off. As far as the OP goes, if you have no problem whatsoever with your significant other answering the phone when your new friend asks for you, I say go for it. Something along the lines of, “I’m seriously involved with someone else and this definitely _isn’t_ a come on, but I think we could be great friends, and I’d like to swap numbers with you, if that’s o.k.” ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/54 "2004-09-22T13:17:31Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Something along the lines of, “I’m seriously involved with someone else and this definitely _isn’t_ a come on, but I think we could be great friends, and I’d like to swap numbers with you, if that’s o.k.” I’m sorry, but i stopped reading after ‘swap’. No, I will not make out with you! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146/55 "2004-09-22T15:09:13Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > Have I claimed otherwise? Well … > [@Sofis](#): > > And I wouldn’t have sex with any of my female friends, some because I don’t find them attractive, some because it would be an amazingly bad idea. Sublimating physical attraction is not the same as not sensing it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-i-ask-for-your-phone-platonically/265146.md?page=2)