# Guys: How do you calm your boners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 29, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027 "2005-09-29T15:06:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mdr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c89c15/32.png) [@Mdr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdr)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/1 "2005-09-29T15:06:36Z")
inspired by my [earlier boner thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?f=12) how do you guys get the snake to recoil? I have found no correct way. Please advise ---
**Author:** ![Mdr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c89c15/32.png) [@Mdr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdr)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/2 "2005-09-29T15:07:59Z")
> [@Madarchod](#): > > inspired by my [earlier boner thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php?f=12) > > how do you guys get the snake to recoil? I have found no correct way. Please advise oops, i mean inspired by [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=337319](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=337319)! :wally ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/3 "2005-09-29T15:26:33Z")
In just a few years, it won’t be a problem. Trust me. ---
**Author:** ![groo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecd19e/32.png) [@groo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/groo)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/4 "2005-09-29T15:46:39Z")
23 x 67 = (20 + 3) \* (70 - 3) = 1400 + 210 - 60 - 9 = 1400 + 150 - 9 = 1550 - 9 = 1541. 42 \* 109 = (40 + 2) \* (100 + 9) = 4000 + 200 + 360 + 18 = 4560 + 18 = 4578 IIRC Batman survived King Tut’s plinky planky pebble torture by reciting multiplication tables in his head, backwards. Also, what **priceguy** said. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/5 "2005-09-29T16:25:05Z")
Think of really unattractive women you know, or of a sad/scary movie. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/6 "2005-09-29T16:39:43Z")
I urinate frequently. Maybe I am a screw ball, but if I get backed up even a little bit, I’m in trouble (well, 'round the office anyway)…seems to trigger boner-itis. Lots of sex and masturbation at home helps, too. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/7 "2005-09-29T16:55:50Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > I urinate frequently. Maybe I am a screw ball, but if I get backed up even a little bit, I’m in trouble (well, 'round the office anyway)…seems to trigger boner-itis. The extra pressure demands extra muscle control, resulting in more blood going to the area? /WAG ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/8 "2005-09-29T18:02:50Z")
“Oozing with pus” repeat the above phrase as needed ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/9 "2005-09-29T18:12:13Z")
I thought that was what the Nude pictures of Bea Arthur were for? Weren’t you issued them in Sex Ed? ---
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/10 "2005-09-29T18:36:01Z")
The old high school dilemma. You’re sporting wood and the teacher calls you to the blackboard. Wack it with your textbook and picture your grandmother naked on the toilet.\* It’ll be fine by the time you reach the board. \*I think I read this somewhere, or heard it from a comedian, but I can’t remember who or when. ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/11 "2005-09-29T18:48:17Z")
> [@sleeepy2](#): > > \*I think I read this somewhere, or heard it from a comedian, but I can’t remember who or when. I think it was an episode of _Roseanne_…the son is having ‘problems’ and the whole family is arguing over what to do, until his dad tells him to put a book in front of it. End of problem. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/12 "2005-09-29T18:51:16Z")
I stroke it gently. That usually settles the big guy right down. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mdr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c89c15/32.png) [@Mdr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mdr)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/13 "2005-09-29T20:16:21Z")
> [@Philster](#): > > I urinate frequently. Maybe I am a screw ball, but if I get backed up even a little bit, I’m in trouble (well, 'round the office anyway)…seems to trigger boner-itis. > > Lots of sex and masturbation at home helps, too. you too! whenever i hold my pee 5 mins too long it’s pipe laying time! jerking it helps a lot but what if my keyboard gets sticky in the office? ---
**Author:** ![Thirty-Nine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f0a364/32.png) [@Thirty-Nine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thirty-Nine)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/14 "2005-09-29T20:31:02Z")
I try and ignore it - it’s the same as getting to sleep or breathing automatically - you can’t do it if you think about. ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/15 "2005-09-29T22:37:46Z")
Lenny Dykstra taking batting practice. George ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/16 "2005-09-29T23:25:36Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > In just a few years, it won’t be a problem. Trust me. Oh, it just might. I had this conversation with my 65-year-old brother a couple of years ago, and he still has the problem from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/17 "2005-09-29T23:29:18Z")
I’ve always found that thinking of the smell of a restaurant dumpster has worked very well. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/18 "2005-09-29T23:45:27Z")
> [@furt](#): > > I’ve always found that thinking of the smell of a restaurant dumpster has worked very well. I’ve worked invmany a restaurant. Depending on the time of day, and when it was last emptied, it could smell quite… horiffic ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2005, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/19 "2005-09-30T00:17:21Z")
Stroke gently. Repeat until no longer necessary. ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2005, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027/20 "2005-09-30T00:39:27Z")
If you’re ever tempted to calm a swollen, throbbing, tumescent…um…what was the question again? Oh yah. Just remember that the day will come when it becomes harder to…well…become harder. I know. I’ve dated them. (yay, younger men!) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-how-do-you-calm-your-boners/324027.md?page=2)