# Guys: Would you be jealous about this? \[Adult Content\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 12, 2005, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877 "2005-10-12T11:56:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/101 "2005-10-14T09:57:31Z")
> [@C3](#): > > You’re fuckin’ Paul Bunyan!? Damn, you _must_ be huge! Well, he has a huge John Henry. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/102 "2005-10-14T10:42:41Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that none of the women I’ve dated have ever fucked a stranger on a toilet. call me crazy but I try to screen out the toilet humping crowd before the dating process begins. Either that or they’ve had the good sense not to relate their stranger-in-a-toilet humping moments to you. ---
**Author:** ![ReubenH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a6a055/32.png) [@ReubenH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReubenH)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/103 "2005-10-14T11:50:52Z")
And another thing! This woman had an almighty go at me a few weeks ago when she found a big box of condoms, only one left, in a hidden pocket of a suitcase she thought I’d used. My, how the accusations flew! She felt pretty stupid when she realised/remembered they actually belonged to her husband, the last person to use that suitcase, and they came from at least 2 years previously when they were together and that was _their_ preferred contraception method. They were hers all along! No, I can’t see this lasting much longer. There’s a dozen other things as well. **Euthanasiast** : Yes I can see that it would cause genuine difficulties, and you have my sympathies… _assuming_, of course, that you can explain where you were on the night of… nah, just kidding! On the bright side, at least you don’t have that particular insecurity following you through life. I guess the grass is always greener. Who is Paul Bunyan anyway? I don’t want to Google from work in case he’s a pron star or something… ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/104 "2005-10-14T12:10:00Z")
> [@ReubenH](#): > > Who is Paul Bunyan anyway? I don’t want to Google from work in case he’s a pron star or something… [Work safe link](http://www.newnorth.net/~bmorren/bunyan.html). To paraphrase **Euthanasiast** : whatever penis-related troubles you got, I got a bigger one. Whatever size axe you’ve got, Paul Bunyan’s was bigger. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/105 "2005-10-14T12:58:55Z")
This is the best thread I’ve read in a long time! Interesting personal anecdotes, practical life advice, hilarious jokes…this one’s got it all. The drawback, of course, is that this fascinating thread stems from **ReubenH** ’s mental anguish. I’m giggling my ass off over here, but at the same time, **Reuben** , I’m truly sorry you’re having to deal with this. I think **Scumpup** ’s post #90 is worthy of some very serious consideration. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/106 "2005-10-14T13:16:38Z")
> [@ReubenH](#): > > And another thing! > > This woman had an almighty go at me a few weeks ago when she found a big box of condoms, only one left, in a hidden pocket of a suitcase she thought I’d used. My, how the accusations flew! > > She felt pretty stupid when she realised/remembered they actually belonged to her husband, the last person to use that suitcase, and they came from at least 2 years previously when they were together and that was _their_ preferred contraception method. They were hers all along! > > No, I can’t see this lasting much longer. There’s a dozen other things as well… Gaaahhh. The story she told you about **Mr. Is-That-A-Panzerfaust-In-Your-Pocket-Or-Are-You-Just-Happy-To-See-Me?** would appear to be just the maraschino cherry atop the shit sundae she is serving you. How much of it do you intend to eat? You need to consider your own good here. The kids may like you very much, even love you, but they have a father who (based on what you’ve told us) is involved with their lives. Do they “need” you so much that you must stay and function as this woman’s emotional tampon? If I were you, at the very least I’d take a little vacation from this scene. I had the misfortune to marry an abusive, obsessive-compulsive psychobitch. You know what part I regret the most? The time I pissed away by staying and putting up with her shit well after I knew the right thing was to get out. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/107 "2005-10-14T13:32:42Z")
“Emotion tampon”. I like that and I’m going to steal it :). ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/108 "2005-10-14T13:36:37Z")
Yeah, I have to say, knowing that the kids’ father is still well in the picture, as well as getting further details from **Reuben** , means that I’m changing my tune a bit. Sounds like you love her kids more than her, and if Jerry Maguire taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t shoplift the pootie. My own mother dated only one man after divorcing my father. He loved me (not in a sick way) a whole lot, but the two of them drove each other nuts. So he became my second dad, and her good friend, but they severed their romantic relationship. He continued to take me camping, rafting, to father/daughter dances, Indian princesses and the like. He taught me how to drive (manual transmission, no less!) and was there to take pictures as I left for Prom. He was always there for me to talk, vent or philosophize to. He’s been another Dad for me, even though my own bio-father was (and is) still in the picture. It can be done. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/109 "2005-10-14T13:58:51Z")
> [@Euthanasiast](#): > > You got an axe to grind? I’m fuckin’ Paul Bunyan over here. I always thought of Paul Bunyan as a top, but you learn something every day. ---
**Author:** ![ReubenH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a6a055/32.png) [@ReubenH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReubenH)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/110 "2005-10-14T15:53:19Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > … The kids may like you very much, even love you, but they have a father who (based on what you’ve told us) is involved with their lives. Do they “need” you so much that you must stay and function as this woman’s emotional tampon? That’s a very good point, when you put it like that… > [@Scumpup](#): > > If I were you, at the very least I’d take a little vacation from this scene. That’s what’s happening, right now. In an seperate, even more depressing development in my life, I am leaving work in an hour or so to travel cross-country to bid a sorrowful Adieu to my dying grandfather who has stopped taking food and drink and isn’t expected to live more than another week. He was a wise old chap, and my dearest relative by far, and it just plain sucks to be me right now. I will be offline for a while and probably won’t be near an internet-enabled PC until I return some time next week. I’d just like to reiterate my thanks to everyone who posted, not only for the advice and laughs which are appreciated extremely, but for making me feel a little less alone. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/111 "2005-10-14T16:16:39Z")
> [@ReubenH](#): > > That’s what’s happening, right now. In an seperate, even more depressing development in my life, I am leaving work in an hour or so to travel cross-country to bid a sorrowful Adieu to my dying grandfather who has stopped taking food and drink and isn’t expected to live more than another week. He was a wise old chap, and my dearest relative by far, and it just plain sucks to be me right now. > > I will be offline for a while and probably won’t be near an internet-enabled PC until I return some time next week. I’d just like to reiterate my thanks to everyone who posted, not only for the advice and laughs which are appreciated extremely, but for making me feel a little less alone. Chin up, me ol’ china. Remember that although today was a beshitted mess, there’s another day just like it coming up tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/112 "2005-10-14T16:22:17Z")
It does sound to me like she has issues. I hope your sad visit is a good one, **Reuben** --and I second the counselling advice. The relationship does sound lopsided, but perhaps communication could improve it. good luck, whatever you choose. And please address my ignorance: what is a pearl necklace? (in reference to the good head gone wrong post upthread). ---
**Author:** ![archmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@archmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/archmichael)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/113 "2005-10-14T16:30:27Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > And please address my ignorance: what is a pearl necklace? (in reference to the good head gone wrong post upthread). Cumshot around a woman’s neck and chest area. Where pearls of sperm are draped across her neck like a necklace ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/114 "2005-10-14T17:53:48Z")
I know it’s fun to bash on **ReubenH** ’s woman and say she has issues, is needy and paranoid, etc., but I’m going to take the unpopular tack and go the other way for a moment. Since **ReubenH** says > [@](#): > > I also still love my SO, though its not what it was when we started I’m guessing that she wasn’t always a needy, abusive, paranoid bitch. It used to be better, you said. I daresay this isn’t uncommon in relationships; at first it’s easy to give your SO the attention and emotional feedback she needs. Evidently her behavior has changed over time, growing worse. She is more insecure now than she had been. Does her insecurity and neediness cause you to withdraw from her? That could make her insecurity _worse_, not better. What else has changed over time? Are you still as affectionate **towards her** as you were at the beginning? Do you show this daily? Do you express yourself to her, give her cards, call her during the day, and so on? It sounds to me as you’re devoting much love and energy to her kids. Are you spending more time loving them than her? If so, this _might possibly_ make her feel like second banana, as if you don’t care about her as much any longer, make her more insecure, make you draw away, which makes her even _more_ insecure, etc. You mentioned this particular incident with Long Duk Dong because it made you uncomfortable. Has she been asking about your past in other ways? Has she been asking you questions, probing you, digging into your past? She may just be telling you about _her_ past because she wants you to feel you know her intimately and is trying to create a connection with you. Okay, that’s just a guess. I could be way off with my guesses here, and taking her side may well get me excoriated. The one thing I can say is that there seems to be something else going on here, especially as it wasn’t always this way but _it has changed since she’s known you._ It couldn’t hurt to look at your own behaviors to see if they could have produced in her the change you’ve seen. It also couldn’t hurt to try, just for a week, to pay her more attention. Call her from work, call her from your cross-country trip, give her a card, do some gushy romantical type stuff for her. And hey, if you’re serious about keeping the relationship together, there’s always counseling for that. There may be something here that’s bigger than the portion you’re seeing. As for the poster who said that the best way to deal with uncomfortable conversations is to _get up and leave the room_, I say don’t. That’s not how adults communicate. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2005, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/115 "2005-10-14T20:45:03Z")
> [@ReubenH](#): > > I want to make it work mostly because I adore her kids. Scumpup hit the nail there … I need to be needed by them, and I am hopelessly addicted to the tremendous affection we have. I am not their “father”, cos he’s alive and well and has them about 40% of the time and lives just around the corner, but in the past 18 months I have formed one hell of a bond with them. Eep. You’re putting up with this woman’s shit, listening to her tales of Typhoon Longwang, handing out the footrubs, being accused of philandering and generally being her emotional punchbag because _you like her kids_? Mate, she’s got you right where she wants you: being a nice guy is one thing, but they don’t hand out prizes for martyrdom. You say you “need to be needed” by them and are “addicted to the tremendous affection”: so what happens when she dumps you for a new toy? Or starts cheating again and tells you to suck it up or leave? You mentioned earlier that she hasn’t been in a relationship where she _hasn’t_ cheated, so you letting her walk all over you isn’t improving your odds - you won’t get visitation rights with her kids, you know. My advice? Practise some tough love on yourself, buddy, and get the fuck out: everything I’ve read about this relationship suggests that making yourself into a human doormat is only fueling this woman’s destructive behaviour. It’s bloody unhealthy for you and likely doomed to a catastrophic trainwreck anyway, so do yourself a favour and get off at the next station. Painful it may be, sure, if you do have a genuine bond with the kids, but if you’re doing it on your own terms it’s gonna be a lot less painful than when this train finally crashes and burns and you don’t get to see them any more anyway. One final question: which matters more to you: your own mental well-being or another woman’s children? This post has been brought to you by a guy who did stick around with a lying, stealing, drug-taking, philandering psycho bitch from hell and had his nose continually rubbed in her serial infidelities in the vain hope that if he was nice enough he would be able to change her, and who still carries some of the scars ten years later . ---
**Author:** ![Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Carnac\_the\_Magnificent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnac_the_Magnificent)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2005, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/116 "2005-10-15T02:37:25Z")
> [@ReubenH](#): > > But that anecdote of hers has been killing me since she told me it just a few months after we met. I would call B.S. to the whole story and assume she is, um, jerking you around. She sounds immature. She also seems able to push your buttons. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerous\_Nan\_McGrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecd19e/32.png) [@Dangerous\_Nan\_McGrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerous_Nan_McGrew)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2005, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/117 "2005-10-15T08:51:13Z")
> [@Chotii](#): > > Why, if semen did get her in the eye, would it make her eyes red? It’s not exactly a caustic substance, certainly no saltier than tears. Since no one else has addressed this… fighting ignorance… It really, _really_ hurts. Now, I’m no chemist, and I know nothing about the… causticity… of said substance, but it goddamn well feels like getting a handful of sand thrown in your eye. It’s not exactly Visine, darlin. Now let’s speak no more of it. There’s a good lad. But uh, yeah, the rest of that story seems a bit fishy to me, too. _ahem_ And all due sympathies to **Reuben** and his situation, but damned if you guys aren’t cracking me up with all the nicknames you’re coming up with in here. Puts Sawyer from “Lost” to shame, I tell ya. [sub]Schlongy McManwithhorsecock… oh man[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2005, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/118 "2005-10-15T20:54:38Z")
> [@Dangerous Nan McGrew](#): > > It really, _really_ hurts. Now, I’m no chemist, and I know nothing about the… causticity… of said substance, but it goddamn well feels like getting a handful of sand thrown in your eye. The goggles, they do nothing? I’m actually off to conduct the research that this thread has thus far been lacking: I’m going to measure the circumference of round things - other than cocks, my devotion to fighting ignorance only goes so far - that I can and can’t fit into my mouth. I’ll check back later with my findings. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2005, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/119 "2005-10-15T21:22:46Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > The goggles, they do nothing? I’m actually off to conduct the research that this thread has thus far been lacking: I’m going to measure the circumference of round things - other than cocks, my devotion to fighting ignorance only goes so far - that I can and can’t fit into my mouth. I’ll check back later with my findings. Make sure you try oval things, as well. My Mr. Hugecock was rather ovoid when viewed from on end. I would have been able to manage the vertical “diameter”, but the horizontal just wasn’t happening. I had to use two hands to perform a handjob - he was about three inches by four inches by 13 inches. We never succeeded in having sex, after two years of trying. Of course, we were both virgins, so that didn’t help. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2005, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877/120 "2005-10-15T22:49:06Z")
You’d be surprised how few oval things there are around the house, so my research was confined to cylindrical objects. I’ve also added a few notes about the ability to comfortably move one’s mouth, which is crucial to successful fellatio. The results are as follows: Vacuum cleaner hose: 10.4 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement} Telegaph cucumber, average size: !4.2 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement} Caraway seed bottle: 15.3 cm {Easy fit, unrestricted mouth movement} Worcestershire sauce bottle: !6.0 cm {Snug fit, restricted mouth movement} Moisturising cream jar: 16.4 cm {Snug fit, restricted mouth movement} Toothpick container: 17.5 cm {Tight fit, minimal mouth movement} Lemon, average size: 19.2 cm {Almost dislocated my jaw} I have no reliable means of measuring the circumference of my mouth, but I’m an adult male aged 37, 179cm and 80.4 kg: I’d estimate that for the purposes of this survey my mouth is average. This doesn’t take into the account that an average woman may have a smaller mouth, although if this is true it would make it harder rather than easier for her to perform fellatio. So, the maximum girth of a _glans penis_ required for a comfortable blowjob seems to lie somewhere between 15.0 and 16.5cm. The question then remains, was **ReubenH** ’s partner exaggerating? Let’s correlate my findings with this [Penis Size Survey](http://www.sizesurvey.com/result.html), which is both highly comprehensive and seemingly reputable. Of a survey group of 2545 adult males, the average penis girth was 12.47cm, or somewhere between a vacuum cleaner hose and a telegraph cucumber. The “well-endowed” subject had an average girth of 13.78 cm, which is approaching but not yet in cucumber country. However, the maximum girth measured was 20.00cm, or well beyond jaw-stretching lemon territory, with the conclusion that a penis girth of 20.05 cm, although falling into the 100th percentile, was not beyond the bounds of male anatomy. Thus we are forced to conclude that the tale of Cubicle Man’s cock does not in fact strain credulity, although it may well strain a lot of other things. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-be-jealous-about-this-adult-content/325877.md?page=7)