# Guys--Would you waste your time being friends? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2003, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064 "2003-05-04T19:56:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Jadis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@Jadis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jadis)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/21 "2003-05-05T16:50:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Badtz Maru \* > \*\*Yeah, it’s worth it to remain friends. You never know when there might be an opportunity to upgrade the relationship. She might pass out drunk, for instance… \*\* I sure hope you’re kidding, but…call me a tightass, but I don’t find suggesting date rape all that funny. I’m weird that way, I suppose. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/22 "2003-05-05T17:01:50Z")
Well call me silly and a literalist but based on the way you worded your question, I’d say move on. If you consider friendship with a woman a waste of time then don’t bother, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Beagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Beagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beagle)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/23 "2003-05-05T17:28:38Z")
Of course. But, I’m married. It’s a foregone conclusion I’ll just be friends with any woman I meet. Maybe some day I’ll get lucky and this hypothetical hottie will rape me. 😉 Seriously, women are actual human beings with interests and opinions and stuff? Who knew? ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/24 "2003-05-05T17:43:16Z")
Yes. Aside from the initial “Hey, she’s kinda cute!” reaction that hooks me in the first place, from that point on, it’s all about the quality of our chemistry, the quality of our personal interaction. If she’s got that, she’s a kindred spirit and whether or not we get to date, she’s a good friend and those can be hard to find. You will enjoy the time you spend with her if you just get past the romantic thing. If you don’t have that quality of personal interaction in the first place, then I would say don’t waste your time dating her. ---
**Author:** ![jeevmon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@jeevmon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeevmon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/25 "2003-05-05T18:43:59Z")
Most often not, thanks to lessons in Real Life. I’ve done the hanging around and staying friends with someone I knew I was attracted to and who I knew was involved with someone else, and who I was hoping would break up with JerkGuy and hook up with me. That’s a recipe for pain. Usually it’s the guy crushing on the girl, but at least one of my female friends is dealing with the same thing in reverse, so it is equal opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/26 "2003-05-05T18:46:10Z")
Well, there’s a huge difference between being friends with someone who’s unavailable and being friends with someone who has turned you down. The first one works, the second one tends not to. Bear also in mind that, particularly once you’re out of college, the ratio of unavailable-to-available is going to swing way over onto the side of unavailable, so you better develop the ability to be friends with women without getting involved with them if you want to have any female friends. For some guys, that’s not important. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/27 "2003-05-05T18:53:21Z")
It really depends. I didn’t have a lot of experience being “friends” with women until the last few years. Before that, I pretty much wanted to screw every woman I was friendly with. What made me think about it a little were some of the women I knew at my last job. They ranged in age from 23 to about 45, almost all of them attractive. The problem was, they were _all_ married. The one who was 23 I got to be quite close with. If there was such a thing as “emotional” cheating, then she probably did it with me. She confided her problems with depression to me. She told me how she was unhappy with her husband/marriage/job, etc. I knew there was going to be no sex with her (we were both not the type to do that while she was married) but I really just. . . ._liked_ her. If I had to do it all over again, I would’ve kept the friendship from getting that deep, and spared myself the frustration. After this incident I sat and thought about _all_ my relationships with women, and decided the following: _I WILL be friends with a woman if:_ - She’s so much older than me a relationship is out of the question. - I don’t find her even slightly attractive. - She’s married _and_ has kids. I might lust after such a woman, but I would never act on it. - I am in a serious relationship with someone else. - She’s single, and I’m single. _I will NOT be friends with a woman if:_ - I’m single, and she is young, pretty, friendly, and _attached_. - Our “friendship” consists of me listening to her talk about herself. These rules cover every woman I’ve known so far in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/28 "2003-05-05T18:56:45Z")
Damn! Switch “She’s single, and I’m single” to the list of reasons I would _not_ be friends with a woman. ---
**Author:** ![BytopianDream](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9de0a6/32.png) [@BytopianDream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BytopianDream)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/29 "2003-05-05T19:05:15Z")
I have done it and had great friendships with women. I like having women friends, it makes life more interesting. I mean really, I don’t HAVE to do every women I ever meet ever. Then who would I fantasize about? ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/30 "2003-05-05T20:22:05Z")
Short answer no with a ‘but,’ long answer yes with an ‘if.’ It’s quite possible to be real friends with someone you’re attracted to. However, pretending to be ok with ‘friends’ with someone you really want is not a good idea. It will cause frustration for you, awkwardness for her if she figures it out, and is pretty manipulative. It’s a bad situation all around. And keep in mind that staying ‘friends’ may not be what she wants, either. ‘I want to keep it friends’ often means, ‘I don’t like you, but am trying to soften the blow.’ Also, it may mean ‘I want you to give me boundless emotional support and do me frequent favors, while I am not particularly interested in your problems.’ That’s not really a good situation, either. That’s frequently the start of the ‘Amazing Double Boyfriend Routine,’ where she gets physical fulfillment from Boyfriend #1, and emotional fulfillment from Boyfriend #2. This is not good for anyone, except (arguably) Boyfriend #1. Also, in my experience, the odds of ‘upgrading’ are not very good, anyway. While most women I know claim that they’d date friends, in practice, the only times I’ve ever seen it happen are when either the ‘friendship’ period was very short, or they were separated for a while just before the upgrade period. Well, and one Fuckbuddy Escalation that didn’t work out too well. And for some reason, it seems women are happy to ‘set up’ casual friends, but not close ones. It also depends on what you mean by ‘friends.’ Staying part of the same social group but not being too close is probably your best bet if you’re hoping to snatch victory from the claws of defeat, as it were. It’s also more or less honest. And learning how to treat people you are attracted to in a ‘normal’ manner is a pretty useful skill to develop. If you have it really bad, and don’t think you can be around her without thinking in Sinful, Evil Ways,[super]TM[/Super] the best thing to do is separate for a bit. Usually this kind of thing gets more manageable with time. – Fuckbuddy Escalation would make a pretty good final attack name, no? ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/31 "2003-05-05T20:47:31Z")
_Would_ I? You’ve just described nearly all of my friends. ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2003, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/32 "2003-05-05T20:52:33Z")
YEs, if you like her than it isn’t a waste of time. Try getting to know her and acccepting her as a person and not just someone you want to put your tool in. I am a little irritated right now bwecause Iam in the sme situation. Met a guy who pretended to be sincere but since I don’t want to fly across the country and become his new girlfriend (did i mention he is living with someone?) then I have injured him…GRRRRR makes me pretty darned steamy. As a matter of fact, I am going to the pit with this one. ---
**Author:** ![sunstone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunstone/32/3372_2.png) [@sunstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunstone)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/33 "2003-05-06T03:27:05Z")
My best friend for the last 25 years has been a very attractive female. She knows that I think she is attractive, and I know that she thinks I’m attractive, but we’ve never done anything about it for a variety of reasons. She is smart, funny, ambitious, and totally in tune with me. And she would take it further if we wanted. But she is such a good friend I prefer to have that…this kind of friend is very rare! It is sorta nice to just ogle her every once in a while…and she has to see me doing this…it is a bit of a joke with us. Humans…such deliciously complex critters! ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/34 "2003-05-06T06:52:27Z")
No, it’s too painful to spend time listening to someone I am attracted to go on and on about how much she loves her boyfriend or has a crush on some guy. Playing the role of Platonic Friend Man for too long, I have come to the conclusion that all it does is further exacerbate the cold harsh reality that my craving for a physical relationship isn’t being fufilled. Being in the company of some beautiful attractive female whom I desire intensely, yet she doesn’t feel the same way about me is torture. Sure I’d spend time being “just friends”… that is, if I want to get blue balls and cry myself to sleep every night. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/35 "2003-05-06T07:19:08Z")
I have a couple female friends. When I first met them, I considering the option of dating and got the idea that at least one of them was considering it as well, but I decided that due to certain reasons, niether would be people I’d actually want to date. So now they are friends(and one of them has since hooked up with someone else), and it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s probably because I’m picky, because pretty much every girl I’ve met and gotten to know well enough, there has always been some kind of dealkiller for a relationship in there, but it doesn’t stop me from being friends. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/36 "2003-05-06T13:53:50Z")
Yes. If I like a woman well enough to want to date her, why would I not like her well enough to be her friend? There is an old saying: After passion, friendship. I don’t fully agree - I want both passion AND friendship. However, if you are hoping that by waiting she will eventually want you - well, it may happen, but I think you are wasting your time. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/37 "2003-05-06T15:22:16Z")
> [@](#): > > the other thing is that for a guy, you’re better off signing some sort of ‘indentured servitude’ contract so that at least you get something tangible out of it. in my experience, guy friends are generally kept on tap for moving, fixing stuff, building projects, etc. in return, they get to bask in the presence of a woman that they’d love to boff, but never will. Just wanted to say I’ve never had this happen. At best we’re attempting to say how an entire gender behaves, which gets kinda tricky. ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/38 "2003-05-06T19:24:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by cowgirl \* > \*\*I had a friend called Dave. He was very cute and fun, and he had a girlfriend. We remained casual friends, enjoying each other’s company, never crossing any friend/shag boundaries. It was just a pleasant casual friendship. I never thought of it as a potential relationship. > > Several years on we were both single, and whaddaya know - we hooked up. It was brief (we were both moving to opposite ends of the earth) and lovely. I will always remember him fondly. > > I think he had a wonderful skill of making friends with women and keeping them in an ambiguous zone - neither “just friends” nor “more than friends” - so that if future circumstances changed, a relationship would be possible. > > \*\* Holy shit - I swear I know that guy…and he’s good too isn’t he? ---
**Author:** ![Sock\_Munkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Sock\_Munkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sock_Munkey)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/39 "2003-05-06T19:40:38Z")
It’s better if you have a GF of your own before trying to become friends with her. ---
**Author:** ![rhinostylee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bc79bd/32.png) [@rhinostylee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhinostylee)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064/40 "2003-05-06T20:43:00Z")
I have never had a girl as a friend that I did not want to sleep with eventually, no matter how slim my chances were. Well, I guess I had a few, but I didn’t really value the friendship at all. I know it sucks, but that’s how it goes for me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-would-you-waste-your-time-being-friends/173064.md?page=3)