# Guys, Y U no listen? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 11, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424 "2013-04-11T17:32:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/81 "2013-04-11T21:41:52Z")
Are you nuts, inviting him up to your place? You could have been raped or killed. You’re lucky he was only an ass instead of psychotic. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/82 "2013-04-11T21:44:23Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > We’re on a date, it’s going awesome. You walk me to my car, we say our goodbyes, hug, and you reach in for a mouth on mouth kiss. I turn my head at the last second so you only get a peck on the cheek. I say, “Don’t get me wrong, you’re awesome and I had the BEST time, but I don’t kiss on the first date or two. Maybe if we go out again ;).” > > That’s playing coy. Hard to get. Wanting to be chased. Whatever you want to call it. > > Let’s say we’re on a second or third date, watching a movie on your couch or at my place. We’re snuggling. We’re kissing. We’re doing all that cutesie shit. I pause and say, “Look, I just want to be upfront: I’m totally down for snuggling and kissing, but I’m not looking to have sex tonight.” One of two things can happen now. Either you can agree and be a decent human being, which leads to many more hours of snuggling and kissing and enjoying each other’s company, but no sex. Or you can be that douchebag who then spends the next two hours trying to direct my hand to your erection. > > That scenario? That’s not playing hard to get. That’s not being coy or wanting you to convince me to fuck you. That’s me directly telling you-- using my grown up words-- what I want. If you choose to ignore that and not respect me enough to honor my wishes, you’re kind of the worst. > > Protip: the first guy usually gets laid on the next date— the second doesn’t even get another date. Thank you. This is perfect. This should be printed out and turned into a pamphlet that we hand out to guys when they purport that they can’t tell if no means yes or not. > [@LouLou7](#): > > Wow, you must be a smokin hot old lady. > > Not only did you NOT give mixed signals, you preemptively said NO before the subject came up. And yet…he still couldn’t resist your charms. > > I am in awe of you. Is this a gift you were born with, or did you develop it over years of experience with horny men? Uhh, I could be incredibly charming, or it could be that the guy is a major league dickhead. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/83 "2013-04-11T21:47:46Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > **ladyfoxfyre** , maybe if you’d stop trying to push my head down to your crotch while we’re trying to watch Star Wars I wouldn’t have to put you on blast. Whatever, frigid bitch. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/84 "2013-04-11T21:48:33Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Whatever, frigid bitch. Oh my god! You were supposed to chase me! With your pants around your ankles, helicopter dicking the entire way. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/85 "2013-04-11T21:48:38Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > If you have further questions, let me know. Thanks! Ok. Please just take this in a general context, not your specific situation. Why play hard to get in the first place? Anyone can feel free to chime in too. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/86 "2013-04-11T21:54:10Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Ok. Please just take this in a general context, not your specific situation. Why play hard to get in the first place? > > Anyone can feel free to chime in too. Just for the record, I don’t play hard to get because I’m not twelve years old. I would imagine others do it because it feeds their delicate egos to be chased or they were told by their Southern grandmothers that ladies aren’t supposed to be direct, and part of the proper way of being courted is to bat your eyelashes and be evasive. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/87 "2013-04-11T21:54:26Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Ok. Please just take this in a general context, not your specific situation. Why play hard to get in the first place? > > Anyone can feel free to chime in too. Because as crazy as this sounds in the context of this discussion, some people are turned off by other people being completely accessible. Wait, not crazy at all, totally relevant to the OP! See, she might have given homie a second date if he had played it cool, called his cab, gave her a hug, left, and called her the next day like a normal person. Acting desperate can be kind of unattractive. Showing you can’t listen and have no respect for your date’s boundaries is an utter deal breaker. I don’t believe in all of these dating rules about waiting x number of dates before you have sex or not calling before y number of days-- all of that playing hard to get game bullshit is nonsense to me. But I do think, on a practical level, you shouldn’t act too crazy too soon, no matter how many butterflies the person makes flutter in your stomach. Alternatively, you could also just never be crazy, but I realize that’s asking a lot of most people. 🙂 Seriously, I don’t consciously play any games or try to act hard to get. If I feel like kissing you, I’ll kiss you. If I want to go out, I’ll call you. If I want to text and say hi to you, I will. I’m not counting any days or following any rules. I think MOST women nowadays are like this, too. If you feel like a woman isn’t being up front. . . why are you dating her anyway? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/88 "2013-04-11T22:00:13Z")
Also, just because you don’t want to bone on the first date doesn’t mean you’re playing hard to get. Fully upfront, normal people want to get to know each other before sexing, which has nothing to do with coyness or games. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/89 "2013-04-11T22:01:16Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Ok. Please just take this in a general context, not your specific situation. Why play hard to get in the first place? > > Anyone can feel free to chime in too. Taking one’s time to get to know another person before jumping into bed with them isn’t “playing” or any version of a game. It’s being cautious and prudent. The phrase “playing hard to get” is outdated and implies a sense of entitlement and obligation. Do you have sex with every single person you find sexually appealing? Or do you conduct yourself with some scruples and pick and choose who you bed? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/90 "2013-04-11T22:04:18Z")
The funny thing is, when somebody says “Why don’t women just tell me what they want and stop playing games!!” and then she tells them what she wants, which is “not to have sex”, it’s suddenly “Why is she playing hard to get?!?” ETA: It seems the “game” being played is “how can I turn a ‘no’ into a ‘maybe’?” ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/91 "2013-04-11T22:09:15Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Taking one’s time to get to know another person before jumping into bed with them isn’t “playing” or any version of a game. It’s being cautious and prudent. The phrase “playing hard to get” is outdated and implies a sense of entitlement and obligation. Do you have sex with every single person you find sexually appealing? Or do you conduct yourself with some scruples and pick and choose who you bed? No, I don’t. Yes, I do. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/92 "2013-04-11T22:09:44Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > The funny thing is, when somebody says “Why don’t women just tell me what they want and stop playing games!!” and then she tells them what she wants, which is “not to have sex”, it’s suddenly “Why is she playing hard to get?!?” This plus _signals_!!1! is pretty bizarre. We’re nice, they think we’re leading them on. We tell them yes, we’re sluts. We tell them we want to wait, we’re playing games. We tell them no, we must mean yes. Wonder if they’ll ever cease searching the internet for that pussy cheat code and actually listen to our words? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/93 "2013-04-11T22:10:03Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > The funny thing is, when somebody says “Why don’t women just tell me what they want and stop playing games!!” and then she tells them what she wants, which is “not to have sex”, it’s suddenly “Why is she playing hard to get?!?” A gal can’t win! ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/94 "2013-04-11T22:11:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > After about 10 minutes of this, I say to him “You should call a cab now.” He pretends as if the idea had somehow slipped his mind (:rolleyes:), then goes back to what he was doing before, which was flirting with me and not calling the fucking taxi. Do you not possess a telephone? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/95 "2013-04-11T22:26:04Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Do you not possess a telephone? No, I do not. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/96 "2013-04-11T22:27:22Z")
This used to happen all the time before cel phones were invented. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/97 "2013-04-11T22:29:13Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > No, I do not. You have no means of placing a phone call from your apartment? What year do you live in? 1910? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/98 "2013-04-11T22:32:55Z")
> [@treis](#): > > You have no means of placing a phone call from your apartment? What year do you live in? 1910? You asked a stupid question, so I gave you a stupid answer. Any other asinine questions you wanna ask me? ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/99 "2013-04-11T22:33:36Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > Are you nuts, inviting him up to your place? You could have been raped or killed. You’re lucky he was only an ass instead of psychotic. > [@treis](#): > > Do you not possess a telephone? Three things. One, having already admitted that she made a mistake by extending a courtesy to someone she’d just spent hours talking to and was somewhat comfortable with, she assumed she’d be safe and the wishes she very clearly stated respected. She waited him out, hoping he’d do the right thing and honor her wishes. Two, every single one of us girls on here has shared at least one bad experience with telling a guy no. They cuss us, they menace, they stalk, they threaten, and we aren’t playing around when we say that we’ve seen normal guys go completely _rapistserialkiller_ mad when we aggressively tell them to back the fuck off. She wanted him to leave, she didn’t want to swell up and attempt to bully him out of her home because that could rapidly backfire. And three: uh unh, you guys don’t get to flip this one. We tell you that men scare us, the MRA brigade shows up to roll eyes and tell us that all men aren’t rapists and that we are obligated as human beings to regard all men as the safe, harmless, trustworthy creatures they truly are. So you’d better pick a routine and stick to it here. Which is it? Should **MeanOldLady** have extended a common courtesy to a fellow human being regardless of his ownership of testes? Or should she have regarded him as a potential rapist and pepper sprayed the bejeezus out of him the moment he pawed her? Or how bout we don’t blame anyone but the guy who attempted to persuade **MOL** into doing something she explicitly stated she wasn’t going to do. The date went a little sideways when she attempted to be nice to a new friend. It didn’t escalate nor did it need to. She’s venting. It ain’t no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424/100 "2013-04-11T22:38:58Z")
I think things would be a lot easier if people didn’t use words like slut or whore or anything like that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/guys-y-u-no-listen/655424.md?page=6)