# Gwyneth Paltrow can't get a date with an Englishman. Owl bravely steps forward....
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [August 16, 2002, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166 "2002-08-16T10:16:23Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/1 "2002-08-16T10:16:23Z")
According to this article in The Evening Standard poor miss Paltrow is doing without the company of red blooded Englishmen.
[http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/dynamic/hottx/top\_review.html?in\_review\_id=668012&in\_review\_text\_id=639589](http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/dynamic/hottx/top_review.html?in_review_id=668012&in_review_text_id=639589)
Now, I’m usually the shy sort and not prone to this sort of thing, but I am nothing if not chivalrous.
So I offer myself as a potential date for Miss Paltrow.
I propose to take her out tonight to the brightest lights of Lavender Hill for an evening of Lager tasting with my closest friends (Dog end dick, drunken Duncan, Mutley and billy no mates).
This will be followed by a trip to the local ballroom (Clapham Grand) for the masqued ball “School Disco” (I am even prepared to take Miss Paltrow to Matalan to obtain appropriate couture for the ball.
I then propose to obtain a chauffeur driven unlicenced mini cab back to Owl towers. At this point I shall draw a veil, as a gentleman never tells.
On Saturday we shall rise early, in order to make our connection for inter-city travel to the bright, contemporary lights of Liverpool, where we will spend an invigourating afternoon in the company of highly paid professional athletes (and 35,000 blokes with beer guts) watching the “peoples ballet” (and hopefully Spurs beating Everton like a ginger step child).
On our return to the metropolis we shall again engage in the finest lagers known to humanity followed by the epicurean treats of the Mithali restaurant in LAvender hill, where we will take my usual table.
On Sunday we will go to the Garden Centre. You have to when you’ve got a girlybird. Its the law.
Now come come Gwyneth my child, how can you resist such temptation.
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### Author:  [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/2 "2002-08-16T10:28:31Z")
Get in line. There’s a queue here.
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/3 "2002-08-16T10:49:13Z")
Ah but can you beat my shimmering offering?
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### Author:  [@Spit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spit)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/4 "2002-08-16T10:52:20Z")
So be honest…
If she were to read this thread, and then email you accepting the offer…You would soil yourself right?
I don’t see how she could turn you down though; that’s one hell of a date.
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/5 "2002-08-16T11:40:01Z")
I would not soil myself. I would save my essence for later.
Then I would soil myself. Natch.
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### Author:  [@Hattrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hattrick)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/6 "2002-08-16T12:14:01Z")
as long as I can be your mini-cab driver for the night. I’ll let you take my place in the G.P. queue. I see you know billy no mates as well, how about his younger brother billy wiz.😛
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/7 "2002-08-16T12:20:41Z")
I know billy wizz, bob hope, gianluca vialli, boutrous boutros ghali, mick mills, harry and of course the grandaddy of the family, Charlie himself
sorted.
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### Author:  [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/8 "2002-08-16T12:22:21Z")
You have a friend named “Dog end Dick”? I duwanna know where that moniker came from.
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/9 "2002-08-16T12:51:01Z")
a “dog end” is a cigarette butt. Dick is short for Richard. It’s not anatomical. He’s short, hence dog-end.
Let owl speak unto owl.
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### Author:  [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/10 "2002-08-16T13:25:54Z")
Thank you for the clarification. Now, may I ask a further favor?
Would you translate the rest of it for the “British-impaired” among us 'Merrykins?
People’s ballet?
Ginger?
Lavender Hill?
Mithali?
Garden Center?
I realize it spoils everything when you have to explain a joke, I I just don’t get most of it. It’s like trying to watch “AbFab”: context works, but I need that finer explanation.
I’m reading this as on the order of “taking her to Wal\*Mart for some “Kathy Lee Gifford” clothing, stopping by Denny’s for a quick nosh, then an evening of amateur drag racing at the local race track, and mebbe a couple of Budweisers at the local redneck-y dive bar.”
How far off am I?
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/11 "2002-08-16T13:50:20Z")
Peoples ballet: Famous quote from a politician describing football.
Ginger children get (rightly IMHO) a lot of micky taking in England. Step-children too, thus a ginger step child is the most beatable of creatures.
Lavender Hill is a place in Battersea, by Claham Junction Station. it’s quite nice. It’s where I drink. Have you poor benighted colonials not heard of the Lavender Hill Mob?
[http://www.britmovie.co.uk/studios/ealing/filmography/63.html](http://www.britmovie.co.uk/studios/ealing/filmography/63.html)
its a treat.
The Mithali is the local Indian restaurant. Every town has one. Often called the Taj Mahal. Cheap, open after the pubs, sells beer, puts up with drunks.
Garden Centre;
A place that sells plants and things. Woman make men go to them. You will never see a single heterosexual male at one.
And your translation is on the right lines. But because I said it with an English accent, it sounds more classy when I say it.
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### Author:  [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/12 "2002-08-16T14:31:06Z")
Well, I’m not allowed to join the queue. Just asked Kylie and got one of _those_ looks…
'cuse me;
Yes dear, those gold, sparkly shorts still look great…umm yes, I’ve _just_ got time to give you a shoulder rub…
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### Author:  [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/13 "2002-08-16T14:32:18Z")
Bah humbug.
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### Author:  [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/14 "2002-08-16T14:35:10Z")
😃 - be nice though, wouldn’t it…
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/15 "2002-08-16T14:39:16Z")
L/C Give Kylie my regards, and ask her if she can sit down comfortably yet.
I was a little over vigorous. Sorry.
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### Author:  [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/16 "2002-08-16T14:42:21Z")
You built her chair badly? Shame on you.
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### Author:  [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/17 "2002-08-16T14:50:40Z")
And she told me _I_ was the first…
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### Author:  [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/18 "2002-08-16T14:54:29Z")
L/C old chap she’s been round the block so often she needs a rebore.
She’s done rudes with Michael Hutchence, Nick Cave and Jason Donovan.
All human life is there.
All you have to do is take a ticket and join the queue.
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### Author:  [@Spit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spit)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/19 "2002-08-16T19:10:37Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by owlstretchingtime \*
> \*\*L/C old chap she’s been round the block so often she needs a rebore. \*\*
Geez…That is rough dude.
But it _is_ true…Kylie does need a rebore.
Of course, every woman needs a rebore once I’m through with her.
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### Author:  [@Gartog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gartog)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/gwyneth-paltrow-cant-get-a-date-with-an-englishman-owl-bravely-steps-forward/124166/20 "2002-08-16T19:35:50Z")
I was reading a friends copy of ‘Kyle confidential’ which said she went ‘down on her knees’ [sub]ahem[/sub] at the tender age of 16 :eek: