# Happy Mother's Day. Here's your fucking gift **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 8, 2004, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182 "2004-05-08T15:04:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/21 "2004-05-09T10:03:45Z")
I was wrong once… in 1974. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/22 "2004-05-09T22:19:48Z")
My mom’s almost always like that with gifts, which is partly why I don’t acknowlege Mother’s Day except with a card. Even then, she’ll probably complain about what I paid for the card… it’s my money, eh? :rolleyes: Last year, I got her a Mother’s Day cheesecake from the store. Lo and behold, she forgot about it a couple of days later when she asked me what I’d ever gotten her for Mother’s Day except cards. I was hurt at first, and reminded her about the cake. Her reaction? “Oh yeah, the cake! Right… thanks.” Not that I’m looking for some form of acknowledgement and appreciation, but it would be nice. Since that’s not exactly forthcoming, I’ve learned to deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/23 "2004-05-10T15:00:42Z")
Not that I’m looking for some form of acknowledgement and appreciation, but it would be nice. Since that’s not exactly forthcoming, I’ve learned to deal with it. [/QUOTE] Does this ring any bells? I’ve had a narcissist touch my life, and the description of your Mom sounds very, very similiar. [http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER](http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER) ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/24 "2004-05-10T16:43:16Z")
> [@Skelji](#): > > Ditto **Tinkertoy** : Like **ivylass** said, it stems from bitterness. My mother is bitter, and the whole family has that “walking on eggs” thing. My sister has already cut her out of her life. I guess I’m too nice to completely cut my mother off at the knees, but it sure is tempting. I wish mothers like ours would just try to enjoy what they had, and stop the constant bitching. It just drives people away, and makes holidays a real hassle. It seems to me that cutting out the people in your life that behave this way to you just adds fuel to the bitterness fire. Something gets them bitter about life, they start complaining more and more until people start shutting them out. What happens next? They get more bitter because so-and-so doesn’t visit any more, or someone else doesn’t call. Unfortunately there’s not much that you, as the recipient of this bitterness, can do about it, except try to send them the message that their behavior is causing the problems. Some might get the message, most probably won’t. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/25 "2004-05-10T16:50:56Z")
> [@Tinkertoy](#): > > **lainaf** I earned my own money to buy her a birthday gift when I was eight. Her first words when she opened the gift were “What the hell did you buy this for? What a stupid present”. She then took me to the store and stood behind me with her arms folded glaring while I exchanged it. :eek: What a perfectly nasty, evil thing to do! I don’t know that I would ever ever give her a gift again!! ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/26 "2004-05-10T17:16:37Z")
**Sternvogel,** I am aware that my mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but thanks for the great link. A couple of quotes there really knocked my socks off. > [@](#): > > Another trait, important for everyone who deals with them, is their ability to evoke pity, arousing in each of us a longing to help, a feeling we experience with helpless human beings, and many is the person who falls prey to it. ( A. Guggenbuhl-Craig) > [@](#): > > “Contrary to popular myth, abusers do not suffer from anger management problems. They manage their anger just fine – whenever there are witnesses.” (S.C. Elgin) The cry of the Narcissist is “Why are you doing this to me?” If you walked into my mother’s house with a head wound gushing blood, somehow it would become about her. Then, in addition to the problem you have with being about to die, you now have the added responsibility of making poor, pitiful, upset Mom feel better. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/27 "2004-05-10T18:52:11Z")
> [@lainaf](#): > > The cry of the Narcissist is “Why are you doing this to me?” If you walked into my mother’s house with a head wound gushing blood, somehow it would become about her. “Don’t bleed all over the carpet! I just had it cleaned!” My sincerest sympathies to you and your family, **lainaf**. I’ve talked some on here about cutting my father out of my life completely. It was painful for a while - yeah, he was an abusive, manipulative _JERK_ - but fifteen years on, I feel a much better person. I don’t have to put up with trying to gain his approval just to write him a letter, let alone send him a birthday card or a Christmas gift. As others have said, YMMV. But if you ever do come to the point where you can’t deny feeling “I want this person OUT of my life, period” - don’t blame yourself. It’s not because you’re a bad child (as in child of a parent, not emotionally and physically), it’s because you’re an adult who realizes her limits have finally been reached. {{ **lainaf** }} ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/28 "2004-05-10T18:53:17Z")
> [@Olentzero](#): > > It was painful for a while - yeah, he was an abusive, manipulative _JERK_ but he’s my dad… ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/29 "2004-05-12T05:06:22Z")
Why are you still humoring this bitch? She hardly seems worth it. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/30 "2004-05-12T16:36:27Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > Why are you still humoring this bitch? She hardly seems worth it. This is a good question, and I’m going to respond to it. (1) I have 2 brothers, 1 sister, and a niece. I love them all very much. Although Mom drives everybody crazy, I took the brunt of it, being the oldest. I took a lot of bullets for my siblings, and as a result they are not as easily wounded by Mom as I am, and they do not want to completely cut her out of their lives. If I cut Mom completely out of my life, I would not see my siblings as often, since Mom is often invited to holiday gatherings. I did cut Mom out for a couple of years, which resulted in her heaping a bunch of emotional shit on my siblings. (2) I have a father, whom I love and who is still married to my mom. His health is poor, and he’s in a “retirement home”, but it would be difficult to see Dad without seeing Mom. As you might guess, Dad is Mom’s prime target. She is jealous of any attention paid to him, which has been considerable lately due to his health, and she takes it out on him. My siblings and I try to protect Dad from her as much as possible (we all live out of town). I live the farthest away and can’t visit as often, so my contribution to the problem is to defuse Mom with attention via phone calls, gifts on the appropriate holidays, etc. I make a sacrifice to lessen the burden on my siblings. (3) Mom is ultimately a sad, lonely old lady. She’s 82 and won’t be around that much longer. Once she’s gone, I suspect I would feel very badly about myself if I had begrudged her a few phone calls and unappreciated gifts. In one light, it’s possible to see my attention to Mom as an act of charity – kindness that enriches me. (4) Mom did the best she could. There are many, far worse mothers. Mom had 4 children in 6 years – how many people could cope well with 4 pre-school children? Mom made choices that I wouldn’t have made, but she really had no choice. She married out of desperation, because at that time it was unthinkable for a woman in her circumstances not to marry. She didn’t have the career opportunities that I take for granted. She got married knowing nothing about sex or birth control, and the only birth control options available were abstinence, rhythm method, and condoms – not a very reliable selection. When I’m being coldly analytical, I know that Mom devoted her life to her children, however misguidedly, and made huge sacrifices for us. * * * There are no perfect solutions when dealing with a toxic person. Every course has positives and negatives. I walk a thin line, but I do it knowing it’s probably the least unsatisfactory choice. That doesn’t mean I don’t need to scream occasionally. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/31 "2004-05-13T19:56:51Z")
1 and 2 are good sound reaaons. It would be hard to see your other family but not your mom. 3 and 4, though… She seems to thrive on your guilty feelings, and those last reasons fall right into that trap. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/32 "2004-05-13T20:21:10Z")
> [@lainaf](#): > > It’s really not about the gift at all – it’s about power. Insulting the gift is one way the Mom can remind us that only one person (her) is ever (and always) right. I’ve always wondered what it feels like to be totally convinced that you are always right. Well, you hit THAT nail squarely on the head. I’ve had handmade gifts mocked, store bought gifts scoffed at, and it always made me feel awful (to the point where I’m nervous giving knitted gifts- I’m afraid someone will hate it and make fun of me for making it.). Now she gets a very generic card and NO gift, for Mothers Day, Christmas, and her birthday. I’m freaking sick of the game. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/33 "2004-05-13T20:40:04Z")
> [@Olentzero](#): > > “Don’t bleed all over the carpet! I just had it cleaned!” Humm - my mom has actually said these exact words to me before. I don’t think shes a narcacist, however. I just think she has a lot of anger and control issues. But - she’s alwasy very thankful and appreciative of gifts - her particular “mom neurosis” has more to do with telling me I’m fat. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182/34 "2004-05-13T20:52:18Z")
> [@lainaf](#): > > I go on playing this game because my siblings and I are trying our best to have some sort of functional family environment. “Functional family environment?” What is this “functional family environment” you speak of? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-mothers-day-heres-your-fucking-gift/244182.md?page=1)