# Happy Zombie Jesus Day! Questions about Our Zombie Lord **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 23, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465 "2008-03-23T21:32:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/1 "2008-03-23T21:32:04Z")
Hi, all. Today, as I understand it, Christians celebrate the day that Jesus returned to Earth as a ravenous zombie. This is a well-settled point of church doctrine, but important questions remain unanswered: 1.) Was Zombie Jesus a fast zombie (as in “28 Days Later” and the “Dawn of the Dead” remake) or a slow zombie (as in “Night of the Living Dead”)? 2.) Did Zombie Jesus eat only brains (as in “Return of the Living Dead”) or entire bodies (as in “Dawn of the Dead”, both versions)? Did he refrain from eating at all, and merely maul or infect his victims (as in “28 Days Later”)? 3.) How smart was Zombie Jesus? Was he entirely mindless, as most zombies have traditionally been, or could he employ complex reasoning and tool use skills? (See, eg, Bub from “Land of the Dead”). ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/2 "2008-03-23T21:48:31Z")
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Pissing all over the holiest day in the Christian calendar, _on that very day_, just because you can–that’ll teach 'em. And the zombie angle? Pure posting magic. Damn! It’s such cleverness that keeps me coming back to this board. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![bubastis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d07c76/32.png) [@bubastis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bubastis)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/3 "2008-03-23T21:49:49Z")
I don’t got NO sense of humour about this shit, AT ALL. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/4 "2008-03-23T21:54:24Z")
I’m all for people expressing their religious or anti-relgious views. It seems to me, however, that this thread pretty much crosses the “Don’t be a jerk” rule. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/5 "2008-03-23T21:58:49Z")
The apostles said he spoke to them. If that’s true, I’d say the answer to number 3 is that zombie Jesus was capable of complex reasoning. “Blessed are those who believe without seeing” is a bit more intellectual than “braiiiiiiins”. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/6 "2008-03-23T21:59:40Z")
I was having an epistemological debate just a couple hours ago. It’s my understanding that Jesus was not a zombie, but in fact, was a vampire. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/7 "2008-03-23T22:01:52Z")
[QUOTE=JThunder] I’m all for people expressing their religious or anti-relgious views. It seems to me, however, that this thread pretty much crosses the “Don’t be a jerk” rule. [/QUOTE] It’s in the wrong forum, but come on, making jokes is now grounds for official sanction? ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/8 "2008-03-23T22:21:01Z")
[QUOTE=RickJay] It’s in the wrong forum, but come on, making jokes is now grounds for official sanction? [/QUOTE] As I think you realize, nobody’s objecting to anyone making a joke _per se_. Making a joke doesn’t preclude being a jerk, though. I suspect that if someone were to start a thread that ridiculed _American Atheists_ and blatantly misrepresented their views or literature, people wouldn’t let him off the hook so easily – even if he were to say “Hey, folks! It was just a joke! Don’t take this so seriously.” ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/9 "2008-03-23T22:32:23Z")
I opened this thread hoping it would be about [this comic](http://eddirt.frozenreality.co.uk/index.php?id=450). Now I see it is up to me to spread the irreverence. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/10 "2008-03-23T22:33:06Z")
Count me in the “jerk” column. It’s Easter. It’s the holiest day in the Christian year. This thread might be funny in October or November, but to post it today is, well… jerkish. It reeks of “Look at me, I’m defying the Great Big Fairy Tale and making a statement OMG kthxbye!!!111!!!twenty-five!!!” freshman philosophy poseur. ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/11 "2008-03-23T22:38:05Z")
[QUOTE=Mr. Excellent] Hi, all. Today, as I understand it, Christians celebrate the day that Jesus returned to Earth as a ravenous zombie. This is a well-settled point of church doctrine, but important questions remain unanswered: 1.) Was Zombie Jesus a fast zombie (as in “28 Days Later” and the “Dawn of the Dead” remake) or a slow zombie (as in “Night of the Living Dead”)? [/quote] Jesus seemed to be the more patient type. I’m betting slow zombie. > [@](#): > > 2.) Did Zombie Jesus eat only brains (as in “Return of the Living Dead”) or entire bodies (as in “Dawn of the Dead”, both versions)? Did he refrain from eating at all, and merely maul or infect his victims (as in “28 Days Later”)? He was a brain eater, though on Fridays he only ate fish brains. > [@](#): > > 3.) How smart was Zombie Jesus? Was he entirely mindless, as most zombies have traditionally been, or could he employ complex reasoning and tool use skills? (See, eg, Bub from “Land of the Dead”). Kind of a combination. He still spoke in parables, but the answers almost always involved brains. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/12 "2008-03-23T23:08:32Z")
It was just a coma, so he’s neither Vampire nor Zombie. The jury is out on cannibal however. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/13 "2008-03-23T23:16:50Z")
I regret that so many of the posters in this thread think this joke violates the “don’t be a jerk” rule, but I do not agree that it does. If I’d started a thread suggesting that “Easter is Nonsense”, that might count - but this zombie thread is so far over-the-top that it _can’t_ be taken as a serious statement regarding the value of Easter. If someone else had posted that “Atheists Eat Brains”, I certainly wouldn’t take that as an insult to myself or my beliefs. This thread was meant as a good-natured joke about the only _other_ widely known way people can return from the dead - as zombies. 🙂 And it was posted today because it was topical, just as we get parody songs about Santa Claus around Christmas time. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/14 "2008-03-23T23:19:29Z")
[QUOTE=neuroman] I was having an epistemological debate just a couple hours ago. It’s my understanding that Jesus was not a zombie, but in fact, was a vampire. [/QUOTE] Well, they did make sure to stab him in the heart before sunset, didn’t they? That, and other specific elements of the story (the ritual blood-drinking, the loudly shouting at his god for abandoning him at his time of need, etc.) leads me to a frightening possibility…Jesus was not only a vampire, but the _first_ vampire. The _vampire king!_ (P.S…shall I start passing out sand and fruit roll-ups? 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/15 "2008-03-23T23:20:20Z")
As a Christian, I’m not offended by it. Not sure why it’s in Cafe Society, though. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/16 "2008-03-23T23:29:39Z")
[QUOTE=JThunder] I suspect that if someone were to start a thread that ridiculed _American Atheists_ and blatantly misrepresented their views or literature, people wouldn’t let him off the hook so easily – even if he were to say “Hey, folks! It was just a joke! Don’t take this so seriously.” [/QUOTE] But it’s not serious ridiculing. I mean, I get how it could be; “What, so Jesus is like, some kind of zombie then? _cue mean laughter_”, but this didn’t appear mean-spirited. As a sort of counterpoint, plenty of times atheists themselves have brought up jokingly the idea that we’re all heathenous scum on these boards. Likewise jokes about the complimentary toasters we gay/bi types get for “turning” straights, and our indepth recruitment drives of various nations’ young, are pretty common. Certainly those things, if meant as serious critiques or coming from a mean-spirited place, would be unpleasant and offensive. But I don’t think \*\*Mr. Excellent \*\* actually thinks Christians believe in a Zombie Lord, nor do I think he’s deliberately trying to be a jerk and provoke. 'tis but a joke. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/17 "2008-03-23T23:32:56Z")
[QUOTE=Liberal] As a Christian, I’m not offended by it. Not sure why it’s in Cafe Society, though. [/QUOTE] Sorry - I figured zombies = cafe society. Maybe should have gone in IMHO, though? ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/18 "2008-03-23T23:34:55Z")
As a potential resident expert on zombies, I suspect this is more MPSIMS material. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/19 "2008-03-23T23:36:29Z")
[QUOTE=Revenant Threshold] But it’s not serious ridiculing. I mean, I get how it could be; “What, so Jesus is like, some kind of zombie then? _cue mean laughter_”, but this didn’t appear mean-spirited. As a sort of counterpoint, plenty of times atheists themselves have brought up jokingly the idea that we’re all heathenous scum on these boards. Likewise jokes about the complimentary toasters we gay/bi types get for “turning” straights, and our indepth recruitment drives of various nations’ young, are pretty common. Certainly those things, if meant as serious critiques or coming from a mean-spirited place, would be unpleasant and offensive. But I don’t think \*\*Mr. Excellent \*\* actually thinks Christians believe in a Zombie Lord, nor do I think he’s deliberately trying to be a jerk and provoke. 'tis but a joke. [/QUOTE] Thanks, man. ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/20 "2008-03-23T23:43:23Z")
I’m a Christian, and I thought the OP was pretty funny. I’ve seen things on the SDMB that did offend me, but this isn’t one of 'em. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465.md?page=2)