# Happy Zombie Jesus Day! Questions about Our Zombie Lord **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 23, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465 "2008-03-23T21:32:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![peekercpa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8baadc/32.png) [@peekercpa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peekercpa)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/21 "2008-03-23T23:44:00Z")
All I know is that I am thankful for this day. For those of you that choose not to believe I will continue to pray for you. Why does it make you feel good while pooing on someone elses parade? Jealousy, me thinks. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/22 "2008-03-23T23:53:39Z")
[QUOTE=peekercpa] All I know is that I am thankful for this day. For those of you that choose not to believe I will continue to pray for you. Why does it make you feel good while pooing on someone elses parade? Jealousy, me thinks. [/QUOTE] You realise that by posting this, you’re pooing on our pooing on your parade? Would that be motivated by jealousy, too? (Atheist Excrement - 150% more effective fertilizer than believers’!) Then why assume it on our behalf? I don’t think i’ll assume jealousy as your motivation, and thanks for the thought. There’s no need for animosity here. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/23 "2008-03-23T23:54:56Z")
Anyway, back to the substance of this thread - I must respectfully disagree with my learned colleagues who believe that Jesus was a vampire, and not a zombie. The reason is simple - vampires are immortal, while zombies are not. Zombies will eventually decompose into oblivion. If Jesus were a vampire - or even, as one poster suggested, the king of vampires - it’s very likely he would still be alive. He isn’t - I doubt Jesus could keep a low enough profile that he could still be alive, but in hiding. And if Jesus wasn’t a vampire, that leaves only one alternative - he was a zombie. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/24 "2008-03-23T23:55:41Z")
He’s a very rare breed of zombie, for one thing – He wants YOU to eat HIM! ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2008, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/25 "2008-03-23T23:58:19Z")
Another nail in the coffin of Jesus’ zombiehood; transubstantiation. All Catholics would be vampires too, from drinking the essence of his blood. There are other options; werewolves are often counted among the undead. On the other hand, they don’t technically die per se to become them, so maybe not. ---
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/26 "2008-03-24T00:07:11Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Scrappy Hero Pup] Count me in the “jerk” column. It’s Easter. It’s the holiest day in the Christian year. This thread might be funny in October or November, but to post it today is, well… jerkish. [/quote] Posting this in October wouldn’t make any sense. > [@](#): > > It reeks of “Look at me, I’m defying the Great Big Fairy Tale and making a statement OMG kthxbye!!!111!!!twenty-five!!!” freshman philosophy poseur. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Well, I’m sorry that you’re so uptight about your religion that you feel it should be above being the target of a joke. Run along now and let those of us with a sense of humour have our fun. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/27 "2008-03-24T00:10:37Z")
[QUOTE=Mr. Excellent] Anyway, back to the substance of this thread - I must respectfully disagree with my learned colleagues who believe that Jesus was a vampire, and not a zombie. The reason is simple - vampires are immortal, while zombies are not. Zombies will eventually decompose into oblivion. If Jesus were a vampire - or even, as one poster suggested, the king of vampires - it’s very likely he would still be alive. He isn’t - I doubt Jesus could keep a low enough profile that he could still be alive, but in hiding. And if Jesus wasn’t a vampire, that leaves only one alternative - he was a zombie. [/QUOTE] Actually, that’s easy enough to explain. It’s well known that vampires smoke, or even burst into flames upon contact with holy items - **and Jesus is holy ! !** By his very nature, he spontaneously combusts. I expect that even now, he is hiding somewhere in the depths of the Mediterranean, unable to surface for fear of igniting into flames. Either that, or the Vatican is keeping him in the basement in a big glass tank. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/28 "2008-03-24T00:17:25Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Actually, that’s easy enough to explain. It’s well known that vampires smoke, or even burst into flames upon contact with holy items - **and Jesus is holy ! !** By his very nature, he spontaneously combusts. I expect that even now, he is hiding somewhere in the depths of the Mediterranean, unable to surface for fear of igniting into flames. Either that, or the Vatican is keeping him in the basement in a big glass tank. [/QUOTE] That _can’t_ explain it, though. Otherwise, Vampire Jesus would have burst into flames even before he left his tomb. I think this is just anti-Zombie prejudice, pure and simple. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/29 "2008-03-24T00:18:19Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Either that, or the Vatican is keeping him in the basement in a big glass tank. [/QUOTE] I thought He was in the freezer? ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/30 "2008-03-24T00:23:07Z")
I presume this was posted in Cafe Society forum because of the ref to zombie movies. However, this doesn’t belong in Cafe Society, so I[m moving it to MPSIMS… ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/31 "2008-03-24T00:23:10Z")
[QUOTE=Der Trihs] Either that, or the Vatican is keeping him in the basement in a big glass tank. [/QUOTE] Funny, I don’t remember seeing that in the museum . . . Vampires are more awesome though. ---
**Author:** ![newcrasher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b3f665/32.png) [@newcrasher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcrasher)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/32 "2008-03-24T00:26:30Z")
I can’t wait for Ramadan! ---
**Author:** ![stegon66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@stegon66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stegon66)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/33 "2008-03-24T00:36:55Z")
There are at least three short zombie Jesus films: Zombie Christ [Jesus H. Zombie](http://www.shybyday.com/jhz.htm) [Zombie Jesus](http://www.pigeonfilm.com/zombiejesus/index.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ice\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/dfb087/32.png) [@Ice\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ice_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/34 "2008-03-24T00:41:10Z")
As I don’t like Easter, I’ll try to remember this thread’s title to cheer me up next year. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/35 "2008-03-24T00:44:22Z")
[QUOTE=Mr. Excellent] That _can’t_ explain it, though. Otherwise, Vampire Jesus would have burst into flames even before he left his tomb. [/QUOTE] I’m sure he did - **but Jesus can heal !** Like the Red Mage in [8 Bit Theatre](http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=080201); he just used a continuous string of Life auto-self-resurrection spells to keep on rising from the dead long enough to reach water. Well, except the Red Mage was too dumb to go for water. [QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] Funny, I don’t remember seeing that in the museum . . . [/QUOTE] I’m talking about the secret basement, where they keep the Cool Stuff. A copy of the _Necronomicon_, the Unholy Grail, all the best porn, and Jesus in a tank. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/36 "2008-03-24T00:46:28Z")
What about the ear of that guard that Peter cut off when they came to arrest Jesus? (Peter was the coolest of the Apostles) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Understander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3da27b/32.png) [@The\_Understander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Understander)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/37 "2008-03-24T01:10:20Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] He’s a very rare breed of zombie, for one thing – He wants YOU to eat HIM! [/QUOTE] Jesus was Russian? ---
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/38 "2008-03-24T01:26:33Z")
[QUOTE=Enfant Terrible] Jesus was Russian? [/QUOTE] I think that you’ve stumbled on the truth: Zombie Jesus is in Soviet Russia. ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/39 "2008-03-24T01:29:34Z")
[QUOTE=Enfant Terrible] Jesus was Russian? [/QUOTE] _Soviet_ Russian! ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2008, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465/40 "2008-03-24T01:38:54Z")
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] Funny, I don’t remember seeing that in the museum . . . [/QUOTE] You need the special “VIP backstage access pass” to see him (It? Does zombification cause a person to become a thing?) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/happy-zombie-jesus-day-questions-about-our-zombie-lord/442465.md?page=3)