# Hardened criminals on the loose **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 9, 2012, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271 "2012-02-09T03:52:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/1 "2012-02-09T03:52:46Z")
A thief in Iowa City stole a $250 “Mega Masturbator” doll from a sex shop at 3 a.m. and fled. Entertainingly, the police released a security camera photo to the public to help identify him. The images on the doll’s box were pixilated, though, so Iowans who see a man carrying a blow-up doll won’t know if it’s the right one. Who knew that Iowa had sex shops? All-night sex shops, for that matter. And if any of you reading this have ever mega-masturbated, please let us all know what that’s like. (Story [here](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/07/sex-shop-robberies_n_1260267.html?ref=weird-news), possibly NSFW. The Smoking Gun link therein is definitely NSFW.) The linked article also has a roundup of recent sex shop robberies from around the country, including the theft of an $800 deluxe model of the Mega Masturbator where the thieves, um, busted the rear door. Notably, the HuffPo has a tag for “Mega Masturbator,” so you can search out all stories where that’s featured. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/2 "2012-02-09T08:27:25Z")
Hahaha oh man, my favorite quote from that article (about another sextoy thief): “The perp allegedly used a stolen tractor to open up the rear doors of the shop and steal the toy, then escaped apprehension when cops found him down the road.” How does a guy escape apprehension on a _tractor_? :D:D ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/3 "2012-02-09T08:44:11Z")
OMG it’s a disembodied butt? Dude must have been _really_ horny. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/4 "2012-02-09T14:23:30Z")
_Hardened_ criminials? Okay that made me snicker 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/5 "2012-02-09T14:28:49Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > How does a guy escape apprehension on a _tractor_? :D:D Slowly? ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/6 "2012-02-09T14:31:51Z")
“ **Hardened** ” criminal. I see what you did there. And I approve. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/7 "2012-02-09T14:57:17Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > And if any of you reading this have ever mega-masturbated, please let us all know what that’s like. Unless you have a box of mega-tissues, you really don’t want to know. ---
**Author:** ![WotNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@WotNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WotNot)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/8 "2012-02-09T15:04:24Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > OMG it’s a disembodied butt? > > Dude must have been _really_ horny. That’s the original Fuck Me Silly™ mega masturbator, yeah. It’s a classic, but a little basic for some tastes. If you’re looking for more than that, you could go upmarket with the Fuck Me Silly 2™, which is the whole front of the torso. Or perhaps you’d prefer the Fuck Me Silly 3™, which is the entire below-the-waist area, including the legs. Or were you just browsing? Take your time. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/9 "2012-02-09T15:11:11Z")
> [@WotNot](#): > > That’s the original Fuck Me Silly™ mega masturbator, yeah. I completely thought you were making this up for laughs until I read the Smoking Gun story. I seriously cannot read these words without giggling helplessly. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/10 "2012-02-09T15:30:20Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > How does a guy escape apprehension on a _tractor_? :D:D The cops were chasing him on a Scootie Puff Jr. Apparently it suuuuuuuuucks. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/11 "2012-02-09T15:38:21Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > The cops were chasing him on a Scootie Puff Jr. > > Apparently it suuuuuuuuucks. Love that gag. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Simplicio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c37758/32.png) [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/12 "2012-02-09T15:39:09Z")
Its like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/13 "2012-02-09T16:59:56Z")
‘Hardened criminals’ is part of the punch line of a joke about Viagra thieves. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/14 "2012-02-09T17:24:18Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Hahaha oh man, my favorite quote from that article (about another sextoy thief): > > “The perp allegedly used a stolen tractor to open up the rear doors of the shop and steal the toy, then escaped apprehension when cops found him down the road.” > > How does a guy escape apprehension on a _tractor_? :D:D I would assume be jumped off the tractor and ran. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/15 "2012-02-09T17:32:03Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > ‘Hardened criminals’ is part of the punch line of a joke about Viagra thieves. I can’t imagine what the other part might be. That seems to have all of the ingredients of a nutritious joke. ---
**Author:** ![WotNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@WotNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WotNot)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/16 "2012-02-09T23:08:36Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > I completely thought you were making this up for laughs until I read the Smoking Gun story. I seriously cannot read these words without giggling helplessly. No, ma’am, all products are as described. And I’m sorry, but if you can’t control yourself, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave: you’re making some of our customers self-conscious. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/17 "2012-02-10T07:57:43Z")
That is now so stolen and going onto Facebook! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/18 "2012-02-10T08:42:10Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > OMG it’s a disembodied butt? > > Dude must have been _really_ horny. I guess you haven’t done much browsing in “marital aids” catalogs. Or wandered over to Fleshlight. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/19 "2012-02-10T14:43:45Z")
The last toy mentioned is evidently “a replica of a woman from the waist down” - you mean, like, it cuts off at the waist? It has feet and legs but just stops at the waist? Is that not amazingly creepy? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2012, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271/20 "2012-02-10T15:12:32Z")
No, it makes sense. The top of the cut off waist is where you put your beer can. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hardened-criminals-on-the-loose/612271.md?page=2)