# Has anyone ever reformed an abusive or inadequate significant other? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 1, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766 "2012-06-01T14:00:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/1 "2012-06-01T14:00:21Z")
I often hear conflicting advice about the futility of getting someone to change their behavior. I’ve heard from people at the start of their relationship who are optimistic that their partner will change eventually. And I’ve heard from people at the end of a long and miserable relationship where their partner never changed despite all their efforts. But I’ve yet to hear from someone who actually changed their SO. This makes me wonder if this really happens, and more importantly, how it happens. Obviously, some behaviors are harder to change than others. This thread is about behaviors that would make you want to end the relationship if you were certain change was not possible. Not about how you finally got your girlfriend to read Game of Thrones; but how your Husband was chronically irresponsible, and you got him to change his ways. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/2 "2012-06-01T14:01:30Z")
Funniest thread evar 😉 ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/3 "2012-06-01T14:03:35Z")
You can’t change anybody else. My wife did change herself, however. She stopped being irresponsible with money and lying about money and hiding purchases. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/4 "2012-06-01T14:09:28Z")
> [@bup](#): > > You can’t change anybody else. > > My wife did change herself, however. She stopped being irresponsible with money and lying about money and hiding purchases. I was that wife. I was also an alcoholic. I changed everything and now we have a great relationship (minus a few bumps in the road, but that’s to be expected). ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/5 "2012-06-01T14:33:03Z")
I changed my alcoholic, coke-addicted boyfriend into an alcoholic, coke-addicted _ex_-boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/6 "2012-06-01T15:34:12Z")
The advice in “[Marry the Man Today](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QesT67dsRbg)” from Guys & Dolls isn’t very realistic. ---
**Author:** ![FrancisCastle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b4bc9f/32.png) [@FrancisCastle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrancisCastle)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/7 "2012-06-01T16:20:06Z")
When I met my husband, he didn’t have a job and got drunk every night. It’s been four years and he’s slowly changed into a much more responsible person…into the man I knew was in there somewhere. I know I personally didn’t do anything to change him, but I’d like to think maybe I was part of the reason that he changed himself. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/8 "2012-06-01T16:33:09Z")
Personally, I’d never be with someone whose “goal” was to change me. ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/9 "2012-06-01T16:55:32Z")
Wise words from my grandmother: “Never marry potential.” ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/10 "2012-06-01T17:50:46Z")
Lakai, you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. Never have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. They won’t and you’ll be disappointed and they’ll be confused. Either love and accept them the way they are or move on. My alcoholic ex-husband never changed. Not for me, not for wife number two or wife number three. Then he died. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/11 "2012-06-01T17:53:07Z")
> [@legalsnugs](#): > > Never have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. They won’t and you’ll be disappointed and they’ll be confused. Either love and accept them the way they are or move on. Women marry men, hoping they’ll change. They never do. Men marry women, hoping they’ll never change. They always do. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/12 "2012-06-01T18:01:53Z")
> [@legalsnugs](#): > > Lakai, you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. > > Never have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. They won’t and you’ll be disappointed and they’ll be confused. Or they’ll see that you’re trying to change them, and they’ll resent the hell out of you. I would be very offended if I found out that someone was in a relationship with me with the goal of trying to change something about me. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/13 "2012-06-01T19:01:02Z")
I think this song is appropriate: [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmh1Z3Em-Ok) ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/14 "2012-06-01T19:03:50Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Women marry men, hoping they’ll change. They never do. > > Men marry women, hoping they’ll never change. They always do. And how is it working where men marry men and women marry women? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/15 "2012-06-01T19:06:40Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > And how is it working where men marry men and women marry women? Please. I’m having enough trouble figuring out hetero relationships. Don’t you go trying to confuse me! ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/16 "2012-06-01T19:10:19Z")
> [@legalsnugs](#): > > My alcoholic ex-husband never changed. Not for me, not for wife number two or wife number three. **Then he died**. Well,\* that \*was a pretty big change, no? ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2012, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/17 "2012-06-01T19:16:10Z")
No, he’s still pickled. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2012, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/18 "2012-06-02T02:20:56Z")
I did learn in college that one of the factors that predicts whether a criminal man will reform his ways is if he’s in a serious relationship. I thought, “No! No! Don’t tell people _that_!” That’s the last thing women who try to change men need to hear. Of course, you could say that men who already want to change are more likely to get into relationships, but I doubt that’s the case, because the most dysfunctional people seem to be at least as quick to get into relationships as anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/19 "2012-06-02T02:25:24Z")
In my experience, no. Abusiveness doesn’t change. I can’t speak to inadequacy - once they got abusive, they had to go. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766/20 "2012-06-02T04:28:46Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > I changed my alcoholic, coke-addicted boyfriend into an alcoholic, coke-addicted _ex_-boyfriend. Been a successful week then? First lunch with ODH, now dumping a loser. Yeah, we’re gonna keep mentioning it too. Cause it’s really cool. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-ever-reformed-an-abusive-or-inadequate-significant-other/623766.md?page=2)