# Has anyone overcome long standing feelings of rage, resentment, hate and bitterness **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-overcome-long-standing-feelings-of-rage-resentment-hate-and-bitterness/577209 "2011-04-04T23:43:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 3\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![sinjin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@sinjin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinjin)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-overcome-long-standing-feelings-of-rage-resentment-hate-and-bitterness/577209/41 "2011-04-06T02:27:39Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > Similar to one of my alltime favorites, which I think is much better and truer: > > _ **Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.** _ > > Take or leave all of the following…I offer it only because it has proven valuable to me and others. > > First is coming to the understanding that whatever happened, whatever was done and by whom, no matter how terrible or cruel or violating…it was never about you in any way. It wasn’t for you, it wasn’t against you; in terms of those who hurt you, it had virtually nothing to do with you at all. It was entirely about them, you were just a vessel, an object against which those people played out their issues, their wounds, their pain, their anger, their fear, brokenness, whatever. > > And while that doesn’t do a damn thing to change what happened, it might help to understand that there’s no shame for you, nothing for you to own. > > If you were wounded or abused by people who you should have been able to trust, such as your parents, knowing that it wasn’t about you can help there, as well: their inadequacy, their error, their brokenness and the way it was visited on you says nothing about you and your value, nothing about whether you deserved to be mistreated, or even whether you were loved. What it reflects are the wounds and the pain and the illness that was visited upon _ **them** _. While we hope and expect that our parents will be all about us, they aren’t and they can’t be…they are human beings with pasts and wounds of their own, and if they haven’t healed, their children will suffer. > > From what you say it seems very much as though there’s a part of you that is still a child, or at least very much younger, and that part is holding out hope that someone can do something to take it all back. But forgiveness means \*letting go of the hope (which is irrational) that the past could be different. > \* > Coming to this understanding can help you forgive, and you must know that you forgive for you, not for them (see my quote). > > I wish you all the best in this. I know it can be done. This was very well written Stoid. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-overcome-long-standing-feelings-of-rage-resentment-hate-and-bitterness/577209/42 "2011-04-06T04:54:58Z")
I think that if you can’t forgive somebody you should try to forget them. You may never reach the point where you can think about somebody without feeling anger about what they did. But you don’t have to make feeling that anger a regular routine. Remove the person from your life and stop thinking about them as much as possible. If you’re not thinking about them, you’re not thinking about the anger you have towards them. They’ll become a smaller and smaller portion of your past. eta: Make sure you remove the anger from your life when you remove the person. You don’t end up redirecting the anger towards other targets (including yourself). ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2011, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-overcome-long-standing-feelings-of-rage-resentment-hate-and-bitterness/577209/43 "2011-04-06T05:50:58Z")
> [@sinjin](#): > > This was very well written Stoid. Kind of you to say. I hope Wesley and anyone else who may need it finds some value in it; it includes some of the most crucial lessons I’ve been glad to learn before its too late. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-anyone-overcome-long-standing-feelings-of-rage-resentment-hate-and-bitterness/577209.md?page=2)