# Has Jean Auel (Clan of the Cave Bear) lost it as an author? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2012, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102 "2012-01-29T19:09:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/21 "2012-01-30T03:03:05Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Since Jean Auel is not going to produce a seventh book, maybe we should do it for her. I invite you all to contribute. Here is my offering. > > Ayla stared into the fire, a thought she had often had when she was living alone in the valley of the horses just before she met Jondalar and moved in with the Mamutoi as she petted Wolf came into her mind. > > “Jondalar” she said, “I just had a thought I often had when I was living alone in the valley of the horses just before I met you and we moved in with the Mamutoi .” > > Jondalar put down his flint knapping which was a trade by which flint tools were produced, the sharp cutting edges being made possible by the nature of the hard, sedimentary cryptocrystalline form of the mineral quartz categorized as a variety of chert that occurs chiefly as nodules and masses in sedimentary rocks, such as chalks and limestones, and said “Yes Ayla, what did you think?” > > “It seems to me that fire is a very polluting and wasteful way to get energy. What if we were to cause a a subatomic particle (such as a proton, or high energy electron) from outside an atom to collide with the nucleus of that atom, thus releasing enormous amounts of energy.” > > “It might work” said Jondalar, standing up and using the ingenious system of ropes and pulleys Ayla had invented to raise his enormous manhood organ from the floor. “I could ask Jocular and Gimnasium and Calculator and Jugular to help me build a simple reactor tomorrow and we could try it out the next day.” > > “I will ask the spirit world to bless your project,” said the corpulent Zelandoni who was First Among Those Who Served the Mother, as she demolished another bag of potato chips, deep-fried bread and three chocolate Sundaes, all of which Ayla had invented the day before." > > Anyhow, I now have writer’s block. You take over. I probably haven’t pickup up an Auel book for 20 years, but this still brought back memories of her style. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/22 "2012-01-30T03:45:48Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > She obviously based Creb on the crippled skeleton discovered in the [Shanidar cave](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shanidar_Cave), but the “mystical shared memories” was just too much for me. Limited vocal ability was scientific consensus at the time, but the sign language was certainly not. Yeah, the Neanderthal culture depicted drew in part on Shanidar. A Neanderthal hyoid bone, which gave indications of spoken language capacity, wasn’t discovered until 1983, after publication of the book. I seem to recall at the time there were speculations that human language development had gone through a gestural phase, but that was not specific to Neanderthals. I didn’t have an objection to Auel having Neanderthals converse through signing as a speculation. But I agree the mystical memories were the most off-putting element in that book. > [@](#): > > Doing it doggies style while Ayla preferred missionary position was too :rolleyes: for me, too. Yeah, humans probably switched to habitual face-to-face intercourse long before Neanderthals. On the other hand, doing it doggie style may have been an preferred by Neanderthals due to the general homeliness of the population. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/23 "2012-01-30T04:17:50Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > “It might work” said Jondalar, standing up and using the ingenious system of ropes and pulleys Ayla had invented to raise his enormous manhood organ from the floor. This part made me do a spit-take. Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/24 "2012-01-30T04:31:41Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > I didn’t have an objection to Auel having Neanderthals converse through signing as a speculation. But I agree the mystical memories were the most off-putting element in that book. I believe even the memory thing was (loosely) based on research. I don’t know if more recent studies support this, but years ago I remember hearing more than once that the size and shape of the Neanderthal brain indicated that they had better memories than we do – IIRC specifically better long-term memory. It is admittedly quite a leap from that to hereditary memories, but this fantasy element didn’t bother me. It _did_ bother me when Ayla was able to briefly see into the far future, though. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/25 "2012-01-30T05:00:29Z")
Shandi I? My guy? I’m onboard with Neanderthals since whenever. We are (pointing to my chest) peeps. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/26 "2012-01-30T08:34:02Z")
"While Jondalar and Ayla were earnestly discussing the new technology, a group of young women passed on the way to the nearby wastepits. They were Marona and her friends. Marona had aged visibly since the last time Ayla had seen her, and her petty and evil character was getting more and more visible in her face. She was still beautiful, though, and she threw her usual “come here you stallion” glances at Jondalar. But Jondalar didn’t even look back at her. Instead, he gazed at Ayla with such love both women could hardly bear it. In fact, so did Marona’s friends, all three of them, Portula, Chortula and Threetula. All three young girls gazed star struck at the woman who was now Zelandoni, and had brought the horses and the huge meat eater Wolf. Marona was so annoyed, that she didn’t quite look where she was going. She tripped over a rocky edge and fell headfirst into the waste pits." ---
**Author:** ![Sister\_Vigilante](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@Sister\_Vigilante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sister_Vigilante)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/27 "2012-01-30T17:39:26Z")
I loved the first three books but Shelters of Stone was the one that killed it for me. It’s all pretty much how awful the other women treat her and how she is too naive to get it or so proud that she pulls off whatever trick they are playing on her. She also seems to make enemies of the halfbreeds when she should be their best supporter. And of course she’s smarter than every Zelandoni wise woman put together and stares the “First” one down. They also know how to use birth control, invent a “spear thrower”, tame the first animals evar, all very Mary Sue-ish. And just when everyone is deciding they hate her (not sure which book) her lion Baby shows up and impresses the hell out of everyone. And If I hear how to make a knife out of a rock ONE MORE TIME… I didn’t know the latest one was out already. I am debating whether I should even try it out. ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/28 "2012-01-30T20:06:05Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > " > Marona was so annoyed, that she didn’t quite look where she was going. She tripped over a rocky edge and fell headfirst into the waste pits." LOL!!!😃 Okay, my turn: Ayla looked up from the open-heart surgery she was performing to see an unfamiliar young woman approaching. The woman extended her hands in greeting. “I am Motorola, of the 89th Cave of the Scumbagi north of the big East River near The River that flows into Big River above Grass River near the 78th Cave of the Southern Holdings of the Spitooni, hang a left at the fourth stalagmite and knock before you come in (were you raised in a barn?) I am blessed of Doni and a collector of grass which we call the pubic hair of the Great Mother, mated to Jugular and second cousin twice removed of Elevator, child of the hearth of Jocular, the second mate of Asthma, friend of the sparrows but not of those fuckin’ pigeons who shit all over the front of the cave, hunter of deer and megaceros who are mistakenly named Irish Elk but are in fact members of the deer family and whose heads seem small compared to their antlers which you have probably heard about 500 times already, member of the bridge club and the bowling league of the 36th Cave of the Vendetta, member of the Junior League, suffering from acid reflux (oi, you don’t know how it burns already!) fooling around on her mate with Canker the flint knapper, second cousin of that snooty bitch Papaya who thinks she is better than me just because she married a lawyer but I hear tell he’s a fag and she’s just a beard and she spends a lot of time with the bottle if you get my meaning.” “Welcome, Motorola” said Ayla as she closed her patient’s chest cavity with silk thread she had gotten from her silk worms in the Cave. What can I do for you. “Well, I wanted to tell you that my mother was sick, but she’s probably died of old age by now.” ---
**Author:** ![lisiate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@lisiate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisiate)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/29 "2012-01-30T20:13:04Z")
Nice parodies all, I wonder if anyone took on Jean Auel in the legendary "If the Lord of the Rings had had another author thread several years ago? ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/30 "2012-01-30T20:19:20Z")
Did she ever have it as a writer? I always the CotCB books were just soft porn. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/31 "2012-01-30T20:45:24Z")
**Valteron** , I think I love you. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/32 "2012-01-30T23:08:24Z")
::Actually ROFL after reading Valteron’s post:: ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/33 "2012-01-31T00:00:36Z")
My husband has just confirmed a suspicion he’s had for years, that I’m absolutely crazy. The snorting, wheezing, choking, bust-a-gut guffaws are a dead giveaway. Thank you so much, Valteron! I kneel in submission at your feet, and please hurry up and tap my shoulder, I have to pee! I have to confess, I read the last two books by SKIMMING. I didn’t want to read about knapping, hide curing, cooking with round stones, Creb’s favorite ptarmigan dish, sling-throwing or spear Olympics. I REALLY got tired of that damned “Mother’s Song.” The part of Auel’s writing, though, that drove me the absolutely BATTIEST (if that isn’t a word, it should be, after reading her series) was her absolute inability to write directions. If those maps had not been drawn on the inside of the cover, I would not have known where in the HELL everything was located. My two cents’ worth: I hated _Plains of Passage_ the most, because of the Tribe Led By The Crazy Woman. We need to list all of the things that Ayla invented, without which, there would be no humans of today. I’ll go first: (1) Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (2) Sewing needles ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/34 "2012-01-31T01:57:43Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > We need to list all of the things that Ayla invented, without which, there would be no humans of today. > > I’ll go first: > > (1) Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation > (2) Sewing needles > ~VOW Don’t forget the K-Tel meat and rectal thermometer, which I believe Ayla invented. She was the first to market it in annoying ads where the announcer says “How much would you pay for this. . . . . wait! don’t answer right away. Because with every order Ayla will send you a firestone and flint fire starting kit absolutely free.” Since TV had not yet been invented, Ayla would deliver these annoying ads by standing at the door of each cave and shouting. One poor cave dweller got so sick and tired of her that he was going to throw the carcas of a wild Dall sheep he had killed. But Ayla told him not to, saying “Wait, don’t touch that Dall!” which is how Ayla invented the famous phrase that would be used thousands of years latere in TV ads. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/35 "2012-01-31T02:42:16Z")
A dear friend of mine said it best: In the first book, Ayla discopvered fire, in the second book Ayla discovered how to domesticate animals, in the third book, Ayla discovered the multiple orgasm. I quit halfway through the third book. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/36 "2012-01-31T03:03:40Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Did she ever have it as a writer? I always the CotCB books were just soft porn. Specifically, Caveman Porn. Which isn’t remotely appealing. ---
**Author:** ![Snow\_Pea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Snow\_Pea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snow_Pea)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/37 "2012-01-31T03:18:39Z")
> [@](#): > > has become too much of a Mary Sue to be believable anymore. > [@](#): > > They also know how to use birth control, invent a “spear thrower”, tame the first animals evar, all very Mary Sue-ish. Who/what is this Mary Sue? ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/38 "2012-01-31T04:49:40Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > _Clan of the Cave Bear_ was, to put it mildly, a trashy romance novel set in prehistoric times. While it had some research behind it, the speculation was so over the top as to make that research an embarrassment more than anything else. My thoughts exactly. I read the first one, _Clan of the Cave Bear_, a couple of years ago. I was trapped by bad weather on a long trip, and this was the only book I could find. I got it from the desk clerk at the cheap motel where I was staying. The only thing I remember was thinking was “Who knew the cave men had such great hair and were so in touch with their feelings?” I guess you learn something new every day. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/39 "2012-01-31T05:01:00Z")
> [@Snow\_Pea](#): > > Who/what is this Mary Sue? [Mary Sue](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue) > [@](#): > > A Mary Sue (sometimes just Sue), in literary criticism and particularly in fanfiction, is a fictional character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as a wish-fulfilment fantasy for the author or reader. It is generally accepted as a character whose positive aspects overwhelm their other traits until they become one-dimensional. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2012, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102/40 "2012-01-31T06:40:38Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > "While Jondalar and Ayla were earnestly discussing the new technology, a group of young women passed on the way to the nearby wastepits. They were Marona and her friends. > > Marona had aged visibly since the last time Ayla had seen her, and her petty and evil character was getting more and more visible in her face. She was still beautiful, though, and she threw her usual “come here you stallion” glances at Jondalar. But Jondalar didn’t even look back at her. Instead, he gazed at Ayla with such love both women could hardly bear it. > > In fact, so did Marona’s friends, all three of them, Portula, Chortula and Threetula. All three young girls gazed star struck at the woman who was now Zelandoni, and had brought the horses and the huge meat eater Wolf. Marona was so annoyed, that she didn’t quite look where she was going. She tripped over a rocky edge and fell headfirst into the waste pits." Might you mean the quarry? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/has-jean-auel-clan-of-the-cave-bear-lost-it-as-an-author/611102.md?page=3)