# Have you ever been the other person in an affair? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 22, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164 "2010-06-22T20:59:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![fifty-six](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@fifty-six](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fifty-six)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/61 "2010-06-24T01:42:30Z")
I am a about 80% strait married male in a secret love relationship with an 80%+ lesbian who is in a commented lesbian relationship My wife I would say is about 75% lesbian. I really like women who identify as lesbian I married one and have had several affairs with them. Occasionally I have a really short one time affair with a man. But I love the ladies and really love the lesbians. My wife has had affairs with women and I dont think any men. She has talked about them and has asked permission before I keep mine secret. I like it better that way. As she usually just hangs around lesbians and they are sometimes our friends. Was there a poll option for me? ---
**Author:** ![Cerowyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/82dd89/32.png) [@Cerowyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerowyn)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/62 "2010-06-24T02:03:54Z")
When I was in my mid-ish 20’s, I had an affair with a woman whose husband was away in Europe for the better part of a year. She had permission, although after a few months, her husband decided that he didn’t like that she was still seeing me (she’d been completely open up until that point). So, we broke up. And then she found out that he’d been living with a woman the whole time he was there (and, there was the question of how he managed to move in the week he arrived…). Anyway, she decided that we weren’t done after all, and I went along with it. He was not amused, needless to say, but their marriage survived. He was even civil to me on the few occasions we met subsequently. I was accused by my now ex-wife of cheating with someone who was in a committed relationship, but we were just good friends with a great deal of empathy for what the other was going through. I suspect my ex- still thinks I cheated on her, even though I would have hoped that she knew me better than that. Oh, well. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/63 "2010-06-24T03:11:20Z")
Yes. I don’t regret it. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/64 "2010-06-24T03:48:30Z")
No, but got too close for comfort, once. The other parties involved lied to me about who was consenting to what. Unfortunately for them, I suggested meeting with her and her husband so we could talk and figure out ground rules/what everyone was comfortable with. She replied with, “Uhhh, I don’t want to explain to him where you came from,” I said, “That’s kind of the _point,_ dear.” Whereupon she finally confessed that her husband knew nothing about the proposed playtime. And I told her that I wasn’t about to touch _that_ big steaming pile of drama with a ten-mile pole. Apparently I made her feel so guilty that she called it off with the third person involved (who knew it was a cheating deal, but also “neglected” to tell me this), and confessed to her husband, too. Needless to say, none of those people are part of my life anymore. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/65 "2010-06-24T14:22:42Z")
When I’m single, it sometimes seems like my natural role is to be the Friendzone-Guy-With-Benefits. I seem to attract women who are at low points in their committed relationships - maybe because I’m a decent listener but not a Nice Guy. I stopped doing it when I realized that I wasn’t doing anybody any favors, least of all myself. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/66 "2010-06-24T15:19:30Z")
I have never dated anyone in a relationship; I felt it was wrong on all levels. My first wife, however, didn’t have such qualms. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/67 "2010-06-24T15:36:28Z")
> [@Lord\_Ashtar](#): > > Mhm…and how’s _ **that** _ workin’ out for ya? Fabulously well so far, thanks! > [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I used to be quite judgmental about that sort of thing until I experienced the situation myself. I think Dopers who tend to be vocal about the subject are those who haven’t been there. I’m not saying that my experience makes me think that it’s okay to be the “other” person, because it isn’t, but once you’ve been in those shoes it tends to give you more perspective. Is there anybody getting really judgemental here? I don’t see anybody pointing fingers and saying, “You’re a terrible person.” I see people saying they don’t agree with the behavior, and that’s it. And if you don’t think the additional perspective makes cheating okay, for either party involved, I fail to see what the problem is with other people agreeing with you. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/68 "2010-06-24T15:39:37Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Is there anybody getting really judgemental here? I am judgmental about your spelling of _judgemental_. Take that extra _e_ back to Britain where it belongs, woman! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/69 "2010-06-24T16:00:43Z")
Count me in the ones who found out they were the other person, but wasn’t knowingly so. Weirdest part of the situation was the hour long talk with the live-in girlfriend who found my number in his wallet. I was young enough and foolish enough to try to help her and counsel her to leave his sorry ass. She twisted it around in her head to believe I was trying to get him alone for myself. I wouldn’t have dated him again if he was worth his weight in chocolate-flavored gold. I’ve dated people who are separated, pending a divorce. But I’m too jealous to be the other in a relationship. I can share, as long as everyone knows what’s going on. But I need to be the primary. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/70 "2010-06-24T16:24:15Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I used to be quite judgmental about that sort of thing until I experienced the situation myself. I think Dopers who tend to be vocal about the subject are those who haven’t been there. I’m not saying that my experience makes me think that it’s okay to be the “other” person, because it isn’t, but once you’ve been in those shoes it tends to give you more perspective. > > If anyone had asked me my opinion five years ago, I probably would have gotten up on my high horse as well. It’s just that you can only empathize with people if you can imagine yourself in their shoes, and I think it’s very difficult for most people to imagine themselves in such a position unless they’ve actually been there. > > Not making excuses for anyone on either side, just contributing my two cents. I can accept the proposition that until I’m in the position (heh) of getting ready to screw someone else’s wife, that I don’t have the requisite experience base to say whether or not I’d proceed. However, it’s worth noting that I conduct myself in such a manner as to intentionally avoid the situation entirely so it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to bring wisdom to such a discussion. I’ve also never stolen a car, beaten a child black and blue or murdered a person and lathered their blood on my hands in the moonlight although I’ve felt a strong compulsion in the past to do all these things. To clarify, I try not to be judgmental for the reason you state: I’ve never been there and therefore can only speculate or the issues of right and wrong. Nevertheless, as with the other things I’ve been tempted to do but rethought, I strongly suspect that doing someone else’s wife would be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/71 "2010-06-24T17:08:41Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I am judgmental about your spelling of _judgemental_. Take that extra _e_ back to Britain where it belongs, woman! But but but it looks \*so much better \*that way! I plead being forced to use a shitty browser at work: one without a built-in spell checker. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/72 "2010-06-24T17:52:50Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > I’ve also never stolen a car, beaten a child black and blue or murdered a person and lathered their blood on my hands in the moonlight although I’ve felt a strong compulsion in the past to do all these things. Please humor us for a while, and pretend that sleeping with a married person is a bit different from murdering orphans in the moonlight. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/73 "2010-06-24T18:19:39Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I see people saying they don’t agree with the behavior, and that’s it. And if you don’t think the additional perspective makes cheating okay, for either party involved, I fail to see what the problem is with other people agreeing with you. I agree. And as for the assertion that we’re “judgmental” only because we “lack perspective,” well, please. I listened to the third party in my situation above, who I was involved with at the time, try to justify to me that _he_ wasn’t cheating because _he_ didn’t have a relationship with the husband, :rolleyes: even though he was materially participating in the lie. I even forgave him and wrote it off as a lapse in judgment. A couple months later I found out that he’d been cheating on me for a year and a half, _even though_ we’d agreed we weren’t exclusive and the only damn thing I asked was that he let me know who else he was seeing (which he didn’t, obviously, and most likely because he knew I wouldn’t continue “playing” with him once he decided he was “serious” about someone else. I still have no idea if she knew about me). So, yeah. I have plenty of perspective. I’ve seen first hand what kind of clusterfuck cheating is. It’s a whole lotta stupid drama, which is completely unnecessary, particularly these days when open/plural relationships are fairly common. There’s no _need_ to cheat – if you want multiple partners, you can have them and be honest too. With the added bonus that if you’re honest, you’ll actually be able to find other people who want the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/74 "2010-06-24T18:21:55Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I plead being forced to use a shitty browser at work: one without a built-in spell checker. Spell checkers are for the weak. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/75 "2010-06-24T18:50:07Z")
I know that this isn’t my poll, but I see a HUGE, HUGE difference between doing this in a dating scenario versus a marriage and another HUGE, HUGE, HUGE difference between a marriage with versus without kids involved. If you are just playing around in high school, college, or even later, then hard feelings can be overcome relatively quickly. With marriage and kids you are messing around with serious stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/76 "2010-06-24T19:01:43Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > I know that this isn’t my poll, but I see a HUGE, HUGE difference between doing this in a dating scenario versus a marriage and another HUGE, HUGE, HUGE difference between a marriage with versus without kids involved. I take some issue with the idea that a partnership that’s been formalized with a piece of paper is somehow inherently more important than one that hasn’t been. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/77 "2010-06-24T19:15:58Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I take some issue with the idea that a partnership that’s been formalized with a piece of paper is somehow inherently more important than one that hasn’t been. You can quibble over how “important” it is, but there is a difference. In a marriage the partners have stated emphatically that their intentions are to stay together forever. That’s the whole point of marriage. It may not work out that way, but you know the intentions of the people involved. People just living together have not made that declaration. It’s unclear if they’re together forever or just until something better comes along. A marriage has a clear beginning and end. A relationship does not. What constitutes a relationship? Is it sleeping together? Living together? Talking to each other? It’s not clear when a relationship ends. So I can see giving more slack to someone in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship who starts getting involved with someone else before having an official breakup. It’s still wrong, but it’s not cut and dry. A married person is married and it is clearly, unquestionably wrong to get involved with someone else. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/78 "2010-06-24T19:23:37Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > People just living together have not made that declaration. It’s unclear if they’re together forever or just until something better comes along. Some people are not “just” living together, and _have_ made this declaration, but choose not to get married. For others living together who have made this declaration, not getting married isn’t a choice. But yes, in general, I’d agree that marriage is a different relationship that a non-marriage, even if not necessarily so. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/79 "2010-06-24T19:35:03Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Some people are not “just” living together, and _have_ made this declaration, but choose not to get married. For others living together who have made this declaration, not getting married isn’t a choice. And on the opposite end, some people get married just 'cause they feel like they should (e.g., a pregnancy), or with no particular sense of long-term commitment. So, while I’ll agree that there’s a difference in \*how hurtful \*cheating is in committed versus non-committed relationships, I disagree that marriage is what distinguishes the two. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/80 "2010-06-24T20:46:34Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I take some issue with the idea that a partnership that’s been formalized with a piece of paper is somehow inherently more important than one that hasn’t been. I’d take even bigger issue with the notion that it’s worse when the couple has kids than when they don’t. If i found out my wife was having an affair, the fact that we don’t have kids would not make me any less hurt or angry. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164.md?page=5)