# Have you ever been the other person in an affair? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 22, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164 "2010-06-22T20:59:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/81 "2010-06-24T20:54:41Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > I’d take even bigger issue with the notion that it’s worse when the couple has kids than when they don’t. I decided not to touch that one. While it’s certainly no less hurtful to the partner being cheated on, the fact that there are other people involved in the relationship complicates things. I’m just not sure if it’s worthwhile to distinguish whether you’re a worse person for breaking my arm and my leg versus only my leg. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/82 "2010-06-24T21:05:40Z")
Well, for me it’s just another part of the fairly common cultural belief that relationships that don’t produce children are somehow less genuine and less worthy than those that do. It just gets a bit old, is all. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/83 "2010-06-24T21:06:30Z")
I think all that was meant by it was that the more people there are, the more people you’re hurting. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/84 "2010-06-25T00:42:45Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Please humor us for a while, and pretend that sleeping with a married person is a bit different from murdering orphans in the moonlight. That’s true as far as it goes, but both are undoubtedly immoral acts done deliberately for selfish gain. Just sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/85 "2010-06-25T00:47:04Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > Well, for me it’s just another part of the fairly common cultural belief that relationships that don’t produce children are somehow less genuine and less worthy than those that do. It just gets a bit old, is all. That is not the point. The difference between a cheater in a marriage with kids or one w/o is there is less collateral damage in the one w/o kids. And Cheater has no one to teach his/her cheatin’ ways–which is a good thing. In no way does it mean that sans kids (or sans license) relationships are in any way lesser. Licenses and offspring do complicate matters legally, though, as well as emotionally for all involved. How could they not? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/86 "2010-06-25T02:10:22Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > That’s true as far as it goes, but both are undoubtedly immoral acts done deliberately for selfish gain. Just sayin’. Agreed, but some immoral acts done deliberately for selfish gain are much, _much_ worse than others. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/87 "2010-06-25T02:34:58Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Agreed, but some immoral acts done deliberately for selfish gain are much, _much_ worse than others. True enough. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/88 "2010-06-25T03:29:21Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Please humor us for a while, and pretend that sleeping with a married person is a bit different from murdering orphans in the moonlight. Well if I had to pick a hobby… **eleanorigby** of course clarified my point. But if I had to pick between orphan carnage and going through the whole cheating spouse dance again I’d need some time to think. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/89 "2010-06-25T03:58:49Z")
Yes I was the other guy once. College. A girl upstairs was in a long distance relationship (at the time I was unaware of how serious it was) Anyway one night we started fooling around. We both liked, it so every few days to a week she would stop by. Good times. Near the end of the school year, her BF came down to our school to check it out (he was transferring there for the following year) He and I met, we hit it off, and we became roommates the following year. The girl and I stopped seeing each after he came down for a visit. She did have a deer in the headlights, OH SHIT look on her face when ever she saw he and I together until I finally pulled her aside and assured her that a gentlemen does not talk about such things. Boy did she looked relieved. When they got married the following year, I was one of his groomsmen. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/90 "2010-06-25T04:00:38Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > As the one cheated upon, I will abstain from this thread except to say that honestly–how is it that hormones become more important than relationships? It’s one thing if the guy (or woman) lies to you about being married/involved. But as soon as you know… how is it ok to keep going? I can understand how as the cheated-upon your perspective would be different than mine. The fact is, I _did_ know before we started. I had known her for five years and knew that she was married, though I’d never me him. We were both active in the Libertarian party and about ten months before, our roles had changed to where we were thrown together a lot. There were faction fights within the party and I (along with other people) stuck up for her. About three months before she “asked a direct question” we had traveled to the national convention and spent one night in the same motel room on the way down. Nothing happened. Then, when I came home one day there was a message from her on my answering machine, very nervous, asking me to come to the office for an important talk. On the way down I was thinking she’d detected the feelings I had for her and was going to ask me to desist or worse, do my party duties somewhere else. When I arrived it took her about forty-five minutes of circumlocutions to get out that she wanted to be more than just friends. I admitted I had feelings for her too, but cheating with her just wouldn’t feel right. She said she knew I would say that and, being as straight arrow as I was, she would have to be the one to ask the question. Then she told me she had her husband’s somewhat begrudging approval. I brightened at that but still was not done, and asked if her feelings were something that had come up within the past couple weeks. I’ll have to admit my little brain was telling me to shut up but I persisted. It started during that rough patch when I stuck up for her, about the time my own feelings had started rolling. It was the night in the motel, though, that started her thinking she wanted me. Me? I was totally oblivious. She fought it for three months before asking her husband, then asking me. This was all on a Tuesday evening. We deliberately set the day for our consummation that Friday, with the stated intent that either of us could call it off if it did not seem like a good idea. Neither of us did. I’ll have to admit I was feeling somewhat guilty but about a month later a friend of hers who’d known her for about twenty-five years cornered me and thanked me for “giving the old \ back to us.” To my blinking surprise it was explained how I’d never seen her happy, and now she was. If that’s making hormones more important than relationships, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/91 "2010-06-25T12:15:12Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > Well if I had to pick a hobby… **eleanorigby** of course clarified my point. But if I had to pick between orphan carnage and going through the whole cheating spouse dance again I’d need some time to think. Well, it’s not like they have parents… ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/92 "2010-06-25T12:39:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Well, it’s not like they have parents… I laughed. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/93 "2010-06-25T13:12:50Z")
Why is it always an either/or? Why can’t it be both? I mean if you’re already going on the express train to hell (I call window seat!) may as well earn it. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/94 "2010-06-25T13:47:08Z")
At my youngest and hottest phase of life I inadvertantly fell in love with a guy who was separated from his wife. He was living with his parents. Well, I did not KNOW he was married for a long time because he was living/acting pretty darn single. When I did finally realize he was married, (AND had a daughter, didn’t he mention her??) he still insisted they were separated even though they bought a new house out in the suburbs! The man would NOT let go and showed up at my door seven nights a week, taking me on trips, wining and dining me, taking me out to clubs…I tried to end it, I really did. I’d go out on dates with other guys, he didn’t care, he’d say ‘what time do you think you’ll get home?’ It ended (on my part) when I went on a trip, and my mother picked me up at the airport and informed me that while I was gone, Billy Ray dropped off his 4 year old daughter at her house and panted, “watch her for a while, Sali’s mom, my wife is filing for divorce and I have to take care of things!” :eek: and took off like a shot, leaving Mom with a strange child!! … OK, I told him, we aren’t getting married, you have a kid, I don’t need any more drama, I am out of here, go back and work it out with your actual wife…So, he did, but reluctantly. I eventually got engaged to someone, I spent weekends with my fiance and I would hear his souped up car rumbling as he drove around the apartment complex…This is the kind of thing the young fall into, a lot of excitement, drama, hot sex, and lots of alcohol. Young and stupid, though we know better. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/95 "2010-06-25T14:36:54Z")
> [@Rick](#): > > Yes I was the other guy once. > College. A girl upstairs was in a long distance relationship (at the time I was unaware of how serious it was) > Anyway one night we started fooling around. We both liked, it so every few days to a week she would stop by. > Good times. > Near the end of the school year, her BF came down to our school to check it out (he was transferring there for the following year) > He and I met, we hit it off, and we became roommates the following year. The girl and I stopped seeing each after he came down for a visit. > She did have a deer in the headlights, OH SHIT look on her face when ever she saw he and I together until I finally pulled her aside and assured her that a gentlemen does not talk about such things. Boy did she looked relieved. > When they got married the following year, I was one of his groomsmen. How long did their marriage last? ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/96 "2010-06-25T14:56:01Z")
At least 5 years then we lost track of each other. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/97 "2010-06-25T15:29:02Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > That’s true as far as it goes, but both are undoubtedly immoral acts done deliberately for selfish gain. Hey, speak for yourself. I personally only murder \*really nasty \*orphans. It’s a public service. > [@DesertDog](#): > > Then she told me she had her husband’s somewhat begrudging approval. […] She fought it for three months before asking her husband, then asking me. IMO, you did nothing wrong here. A begrudging thumbs-up is still a thumbs-up. An affair is, I would say, by definition something that is not allowed within the confines of the relationship with your SO as the two of you define it and/or is hidden from that partner. If they agree to it, it isn’t cheating. > [@salinqmind](#): > > I tried to end it, I really did. So… you tried to end it by going on more dates with him? I can’t imagine how that didn’t work out. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/98 "2010-06-25T15:29:27Z")
As far as I know, once. It wasn’t an affair, but it could have been if I hadn’t found out that his partner didn’t know he was fooling around. I have no qualms about sleeping with guys who are in open relationships, if they’re _really_ in open relationships. But this guy had some nerve. My partner actually initiated things…he met this guy on some site that I can’t remember. They chatted online for a while then this guy invited us over when his partner was away on business (which SHOULD have been a warning sign, but…) We all had fun together, then went our separate ways, with the understanding that we’d like to see more of each other. Well, the guy invited us to dinner (not at his home, out at a restaurant) to meet his partner. Then asked us not to mention our encounter to him. :dubious: We did go to dinner with them because we wanted to meet his partner (whom he had described glowingly), but we let the relationship slip into hiatus and eventually disconnect because neither one of us liked the idea that not only was this guy cheating, but he had the nerve to put the people he was cheating _with_ in front of his oblivious partner like there was nothing wrong with that! ETA: Of course, given my history, there are likely any number of married/supposedly committed men on my notch list, but no others _that I’m aware of_. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/99 "2010-06-25T15:54:36Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > IMO, you did nothing wrong here. A begrudging thumbs-up is still a thumbs-up. An affair is, I would say, by definition something that is not allowed within the confines of the relationship with your SO as the two of you define it and/or is hidden from that partner. If they agree to it, it isn’t cheating. Maybe the poster didn’t do anything wrong but I think the wife certainly did. I couldn’t imagine a SO trying to drag out of me an OK for her to see other people. That would be seriously painful. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164/100 "2010-06-25T16:08:51Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Maybe the poster didn’t do anything wrong but I think the wife certainly did. I couldn’t imagine a SO trying to drag out of me an OK for her to see other people. That would be seriously painful. IMO, nothing wrong with asking, if that’s what she needed and wanted. Of course, husband would have also been within \*his \*rights to say no (at which point her options would be go along with his wishes or divorce) or even “we’re through because you even asked.” Going along with things in any relationship that are making you desperately unhappy–even monogamy–is not healthy for anyone. That shit needs to get worked through, one way or another; but worked through _with the partner_, not behind their back. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-been-the-other-person-in-an-affair/544164.md?page=6)