# Have you ever decided to stay in a relationship because of a dearth of "viable" mates? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 20, 2011, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302 "2011-01-20T06:06:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/21 "2011-01-21T20:23:23Z")
Oh sure, often in the ast. All relationships don’t have to be marriage training. It’s often nice just to have someone to go places and do things with; also, if you’re a paranoid person about STD’s like I am, monogamy is all you allow yourself. If nobody better is around, why would you leave something that’s serving its purpose? Problems only arise when the other person sees it as more than it is or hoping it’ll become more than it is. It’s an unfortunate side effect that often happens to me. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/22 "2011-01-21T21:25:46Z")
Congratulations, **Dogzilla**. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/23 "2011-01-21T21:44:34Z")
Congratulate me when I get this guy off my couch. 😃 I’ll keep y’all posted. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/24 "2011-01-21T23:05:55Z")
I think its more common in the general population than the results of this survey would suggest. I’ve seen it mostly as a part of people deciding whether to leave a longer term relationship. Not only about self esteem, can also be about the whole ‘starting over’ prospect, ie meeting someone who looks OK, then having to take the time to see if they really are a prospect etc. They dont necessarily ‘keep trying’ forever, but it means they might keep trying a bit longer than they would have otherwise. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/25 "2011-01-21T23:50:03Z")
Nah. I will stay in a relationship until a dealbreaker manifests itself. Then I gtfo, Speedy Gonzales style. Left my last ex after he physically threatened his brother with a rubber mallet during a verbal altercation. I wasn’t even there, I just heard about it after the fact. But violence is a total dealbreaker for me. I’ve been told my standards are too high. But that’s okay, I don’t mind being single. And I’d prefer to be single than stuck with a loser. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/26 "2011-01-21T23:55:12Z")
Oh hell no. I’ve stayed in an unhappy relationship for far longer than I should, but it was out of a misguided idea of honor. I \*\*craved \*\*being alone. And I have been, more or less, for years now. I concede that it’s a lucky “I can be alone if I choose, or call someone if I don’t” kind of alone, but ultimately I’m just not willing to settle at this point. I’m happy alone, so if a relationship isn’t everything I’ve ever wanted and some stuff I didn’t even know was possible, I can live without it. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/27 "2011-01-22T00:07:02Z")
I was more saying this is a non typical sample than anyone answering is kidding themselves or the like. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/28 "2011-01-22T14:00:54Z")
Two people come to mind… The first is a girl I know who frequently bitches about her husband. She has mentioned from time to time that she’s unlikely to meet someone else if she leaves him and will be stuck on her own with two kids. I think that’s her major motivation for staying with him. The other is my brother, who stayed in a volatile relationship for five years and then abruptly ended it when a girl he met through work flirted with him. I’ve always thought that he’d stuck it out because he didn’t think he could meet someone else and then jumped ship for the first girl who paid him any attention. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302/29 "2011-01-22T16:07:55Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > That’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. The guy I’m dating is a bit of a douchebag much of the time and I really don’t like the way he treats me (only his needs and wants matter; mine do not). > > But when I tried to pursue a guy whom I really liked and whom I thought liked me and whom I thought would treat me right, it turned out he wasn’t that into me. > > So I settled for mediocre-to-sometimes-good sex and being treated okay some of the time because it’s better than nothing. However, my contempt for this guy grows, so I think the whole thing is circling the drain and soon I’ll be right back at square one: Liking great guys who don’t like me, but actually dating douchebags who do. I’ll get sick of that eventually and go back to not dating at all. > > And no, I don’t blame the guys. Something is seriously fucked up with me and I’ll be damned if I can figure out what I have to fix/change/work on/get therapy for in order to be attractive to the kind of guy I’d like to be with (Someone who treats me like I matter, e.g., when I say I’m cold, instead of telling me to shut up and quit complaining, the right kind of guy would offer to bring me a blanket or make some tea or something.) I’m sure it’s totally my own fault; some blind spot I have about my personality that makes me completely repellent to men who might treat me with respect. I have done all kinds of self-esteem work, therapy, improved my self-confidence, learned to value and love myself… all that psychobabble bullshit people spew at you when you can’t seem to find someone who isn’t a jerk. I’m at a loss. Do I have a secret twin named Dogzilla? Since my last divorce in 2004 I have barely dated at all, mostly for the reasons in your last paragraph. I have been to lots of therapy, work out and meditate regularly, eat healthy food, take care of myself, and get lots of attention from men when I go out, but most of them are like kids in a candy store because there are many attractive, single, middle-aged women in this town and not so many men. Men show interest in me, but then another shinier, younger, wealthier woman comes along and they follow her glitter for a while and then move on again . . . Having said that, I have been seeing someone on a regular basis for a few months; it’s the first real “relationship” I’ve had in almost seven years. He is far from perfect, but I enjoy his company most of the time. Still, sometimes he acts like a jackass. (I am close to deleting this because I fear he will find it somehow, but I will continue . . .) I didn’t vote in the poll because I’m not sure what my answer would be. I do think the older you get, the harder it is to find “viable” mates. Obviously everyone over, say, 35, is going to have a lot of baggage. That’s fine with me–if they didn’t, I’d be concerned. It’s how they handle the baggage that matters. Also, as they age people gain weight, lose their hair, acquire strange habits, lose jobs, make mistakes . . . the list goes on. What might be a reason to reject someone when you’re 25 suddenly doesn’t seem so bad when you’re 53. Also, when I was younger the longest I went without being in a relationship was a year. I got divorced in 2004 and until a few months ago went only only a few dates with any guy I met; I figured I would never meet someone I liked who liked me back, and I was learning to be okay with that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-decided-to-stay-in-a-relationship-because-of-a-dearth-of-viable-mates/568302.md?page=1)