# Have you ever told an elderly parent to "pound sand"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 2, 2015, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555 "2015-02-02T00:04:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/1 "2015-02-02T00:04:39Z")
Inspired by this [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=748025). I don’t know if I’d have the courage to tell my begging parents “no”, even if their financial situations were the result of bad decision-making and irresponsibility. It’s not because I’m a good devoted daughter or anything. It would just be a hard thing to do. And I wouldn’t have a good excuse to give them (unless they were asking for me to take over their mortgage or something like that). Have you ever refused a parent’s request for money or living assistance based solely on principle? If so, how did the story play out? Did your parents forgive you or do they still hold a grudge? Any regrets? ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/2 "2015-02-02T00:41:01Z")
I could deny a lot of different kinds of help but financial isn’t one. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/3 "2015-02-02T01:07:42Z")
I’ve never been in that situation, but, had it arisen, I’d have made whatever sacrifice was necessary. Move to a one-bedroom apartment and let pop have the bed, while I sleep on a fold-out in the alcove near the kitchen? Yep, I’d have done that. Now…if we’re talking medical needs…having to change pop’s bedpans and diapers, no. I could not have done that. But money? I owe him (or his memory) more than I can ever repay. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/4 "2015-02-02T02:31:12Z")
I’ve already told my (selfish, narcissistic, emotionally-abusive) mom that we cannot ever live in the same state–we battled constantly when I lived with her as a teenager, and again for a year after college. At which point I decided I’d rather be homeless or couch-surfing than live with her again. I am not willing to sacrifice my mental health to let her live with me.\* She was putting out some feelers a year or so ago because her health is in decline. Fortunately, my sister volunteered to let her move in, if that ever becomes an issue. They’ve always gotten along better anyway, so that works for me. But even if my mom were going to be homeless, we cannot live together. I would happily help her search for cheap housing or a shelter, but no more. \*My SO and I have discussed this and agreed wrt both our parents–there will be no multi-generational living situations in our future, on pain of divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/5 "2015-02-02T03:07:28Z")
I’m so thankful I don’t have to deal with this. My mother managed to make a fortune before she retired. Heck, if anything, I have to tell her to tone it down with the spoiling of her grandchildren. I mean, I know that’s a Grandmother’s job, but still. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/6 "2015-02-02T03:09:20Z")
I tell every elderly person I see to pound sand. I’m sure some of them were parents. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/7 "2015-02-02T15:43:37Z")
No, to answer the OP, I’ve never had to do that as both my wife’s and my parents have been pretty responsible. My mom, 84 years old, is not wealthy, but so far comfortable. Owns her own house. But watches every penny. We did look at nursing homes with her, but she is not happy with any but the most expensive. Don’t blame her. And it IS really expensive to get in a nice place. My wife and I bought a medical alert systems and we pay for that. We also pay for a cleaning service for my MIL. We can do more money wise if/when it comes to it. My mom lives 100 miles away, and I’m trying to visit and stay overnight more often. At 55 myself, I’m not in a good position to start a new job. It would be a nightmare. I’d surely have to take at least a 50% pay cut. And frankly, I love living where I do. That’s the big thing I think. She gets lonely. We talk about once a week, and email every day. I’m trying to get to the point where I’ll stay one weekend a month with her. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/8 "2015-02-02T16:08:31Z")
Although they were terrible parents in many ways, they’d never have left me twisting in the wind if I asked for help, nor I them. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/9 "2015-02-02T18:36:08Z")
I will pay for the food my mother eats, see that she has a safe living space, and pay for any medical bills that are necessary, but I will not give her a penny of actual money. I have too many childhood memories of being hunger, cold and in danger which she directly caused to ever forgive. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/10 "2015-02-02T23:07:41Z")
Not quite the same thing but my father (see several earlier threads) was not welcome in my house while he was alive. ---
**Author:** ![HipGnosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/76d3ee/32.png) [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/11 "2015-02-02T23:46:22Z")
If it’s on-going decisions, like gambling or giving money to dead-beat relatives, I wouldn’t have any problem saying ‘no’. Beyond that… we’re in a thousand shades of grey area. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/12 "2015-02-03T00:54:03Z")
I hope it will never come to that. My parents have more money than I do – and I am quite well off. ---
**Author:** ![chizzuk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@chizzuk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chizzuk)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2015, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-told-an-elderly-parent-to-pound-sand/711555/13 "2015-02-03T01:11:34Z")
My parents are much better financially positioned than I am (though I’m doing OK for myself) and they are smart with their money, have saved a lot for retirement, have long-term care insurance, etc. So I do not anticipate such a situation arising, but you never know what life will throw at you. If it came to that, I would of course give them money. They’ve given me plenty and we have no relationship issues, there would be no excuse.