# Have you ever wished you didn't love a given person? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 29, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489 "2010-07-29T18:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/21 "2010-07-30T21:37:47Z")
Um, sort of? The break-up with my ex-fiance destroyed me. Completely. But I wouldn’t have met my current boyfriend if I hadn’t gone through all that crap. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/22 "2010-07-30T21:42:30Z")
No. The question seems like a contradiction in terms to me. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/23 "2010-07-30T22:31:08Z")
Yeah. First man I ever really fell in love with. Up until then, I’d thought there was something wrong with me, that I couldn’t fall in love. I would have been much better off if I hadn’t. He used me. He let me hope there was some chance of a relationship between us. Then he went around the place we both worked and told several people that I’d given him my first blowjob. I don’t know if he did it to brag or what, but it cost me the respect of several of my coworkers and just about destroyed me when I found out. It took me several tries to cut him out of my life, mostly because he knew exactly how to play me. Oh, I learned a lot, but I really wish I hadn’t had to. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/24 "2010-07-30T22:59:51Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > > [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > > > Yes. > > > > Eventually, I stopped. It took a long time, though. > > Ditto. > > Meaning, I stopped loving them. This. And it took a long, long time. I have learned to love elsewhere, and better but he can still get a reaction out of me so I keep my distance. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/25 "2010-07-30T23:10:07Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The question seems like a contradiction in terms to me. Nothing cynical about that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![conurepete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@conurepete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/conurepete)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/26 "2010-07-31T00:51:41Z")
Yes , but I cant talk about it, because I can’t really face it. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/27 "2010-07-31T03:16:45Z")
Can it be non-romantic love? A person I was close with in high school and college basically cut most of his friends out of his life for reasons no one knows and simply doesn’t show up to events he’s invited to, even when he said he would. You’d think, after nearly a decade that I would just let this go, but I love this person as one of my best friends and I miss him deeply, and I want to kick his ass and tell him how fucked up the way he treated his friends is. It’s weird, because I’m not the only one…there’s a handful of us who still see each other a few times a year and every time it’s “Anyone heard from --? What the hell happened to him?” Thing is, we know he’s around…he’s in Montreal and says happy birthday on Facebook to us and has a job and got through school and etc etc…he just has no need for us, and after all this time, that still hurts us. It’s annoying, and I wish I could get over it, but dammit, --, you _suck!_ ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/28 "2010-07-31T05:28:04Z")
I don’t know. Still in love with someone who holds strong feelings for me after 30 years. She won’t break up her family for love and I can’t really argue against that. Very painful to see someone you truly love treated like an old shoe. I remember the last time I held her like it was yesterday. I try not to think about her. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/29 "2010-07-31T09:15:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No. > > The question seems like a contradiction in terms to me. I take it you would not define as love the feeling that abused people have for their abusers, to the point where they won’t rat them out. I’m not sure it’s actually love, either. As for the OP: no. But only because love as being as big a thing as everyone else. I don’t restrict the word to familial or romantic love. I’m actually more upset that there are people I don’t love. If I do restrict it to familial love, the answer is also no, but my uncle gets close occasionally with the way he treats his oldest brother. I have loved romantically and wish I didn’t, but it was a pretty shallow love, and settled back to merely friendship love eventually. I’ve yet to experience a deep romantic love, but doing so is one of my few goals in life that has not changed. ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/30 "2010-07-31T09:50:07Z")
> [@mnemosyne](#): > > Can it be non-romantic love? A person I was close with in high school and college basically cut most of his friends out of his life for reasons no one knows and simply doesn’t show up to events he’s invited to, even when he said he would. You’d think, after nearly a decade that I would just let this go, but I love this person as one of my best friends and I miss him deeply, and I want to kick his ass and tell him how fucked up the way he treated his friends is. It’s weird, because I’m not the only one…there’s a handful of us who still see each other a few times a year and every time it’s “Anyone heard from --? What the hell happened to him?” > > Thing is, we know he’s around…he’s in Montreal and says happy birthday on Facebook to us and has a job and got through school and etc etc…he just has no need for us, and after all this time, that still hurts us. > > It’s annoying, and I wish I could get over it, but dammit, --, you _suck!_ I had a friend sort of like this. Except there was some extremely bizarre misunderstanding where nobody was right and nobody was wrong. I tried apologizing but got nowhere. He was a good friend and I miss spending time with him. My college years would have been much more difficult if he hadn’t been there. I still think of him when I’m in his hometown and wonder what happened to him. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/31 "2010-07-31T14:37:41Z")
Yep, for years and years, and the fact that I still love him is still annoying. I’ve tried, can’t stop, so I’m just kinda’ hoping it will eventually mellow to the point that I don’t get angry about it any more. He’s one of my best friends, too, damn his stupid eyes. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/32 "2010-07-31T15:18:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No. > > The question seems like a contradiction in terms to me. Hardly. My last pre-marriage girlfriend fits that category. I genuinely loved her–that is, I found it impossible to imagine being content unless she was happy and well–but, in many ways, I genuinely disliked her. If I’d had to choose betweeen never meeting her and falling in love with her, I’d have chosen never to meet her. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/33 "2010-07-31T15:19:19Z")
> [@mnemosyne](#): > > Can it be non-romantic love? Sure. Eros & philos are both eligible for this thread; agape and caritas are not. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/34 "2010-07-31T15:51:39Z")
No. I’ve been in love once and as soon as the shit hit the fan my love transformed into an equivalent amount of hatred. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If no, is the idea of being in that particular mental state conceivable for you? I’ll let my man Lucius Vorenus answer that for me: “I love her. I require that she love me also or I am merely her slave.” I’ve never experienced a helpless, pining love for someone who didn’t love me in return. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/35 "2010-07-31T15:59:48Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > No. I’ve been in love once and as soon as the shit hit the fan my love transformed into an equivalent amount of hatred. > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > If no, is the idea of being in that particular mental state conceivable for you? > > I’ll let my man Lucius Vorenus answer that for me: > > “I love her. I require that she love me also or I am merely her slave.” > > I’ve never experienced a helpless, pining love for someone who didn’t love me in return. One needn’t helplessly pine for another to regret loving her or him. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/36 "2010-07-31T20:36:32Z")
> [@](#): > > I’ve never experienced a helpless, pining love for someone who didn’t love me in return. It’s not that he didn’t love me in return, it’s that he had (has) waaaaay too much baggage for me to cope with. While I know that sounds selfish, I had to wrench myself away to save myself. No, he wasn’t abusive. But I have my own large bundle of baggage and the two bundles made sure we were not capable of a mature relationship together. ---
**Author:** ![shellofmyformerself](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5f8ce5/32.png) [@shellofmyformerself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shellofmyformerself)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/37 "2010-08-01T00:13:47Z")
Yes. On a thread several weeks ago about current emotional turmoil (don’t remember the exact title), I admitted that I am in love with a co-worker and have been for almost a year. He is married with children, though his marriage is on the rocks. I am divorced with a child. We share an office so we are around each other 9+ hours a day. He doesn’t know how I feel. It would be so much easier for me and my heart if I wasn’t in love with him but I am. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/38 "2010-08-01T02:15:15Z")
yes, absolutely. I should have spent that time with someone who was actually available. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/39 "2010-08-02T20:40:12Z")
Yeah. Everything was going just good enough for him when we first met and so much bad shit happened in one year that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Now he is emotionally unavailable and I cannot help him nor can I get over him. I’ve been trying for almost a year now and I am just stuck in love. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489/40 "2010-08-02T20:42:03Z")
Oh yes. I do right now. But it isn’t romantic love. I wish I didn’t love my family because it wouldn’t hurt as much when they were assholes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-wished-you-didnt-love-a-given-person/548489.md?page=3)