# Have you ever withheld sex from your lover because you were pissed off? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2011, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083 "2011-02-03T23:26:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/21 "2011-02-04T00:00:19Z")
And just WHAT about gender changes if your going to be all PC Police about it? They have issues none of the other four have and then there is the small people since you would take me to task for saying ‘midget’ which is actually different than small people of which their are many. Huh? Huh? And are we only asking WASP’s or other cultures ??? Huh? Huh? I mean, the poll can not be any good because he did not cover every class or type or whatever. Heck, I even left out a few. But most important is to all PC. yeah… right!!! :rolleyes: 😃 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/22 "2011-02-04T00:05:47Z")
I wish I’d read ahead. I voted I have, but it’s not like that. You lose the mood, sure, but it’s not like it’s for punishment or anything like that. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/23 "2011-02-04T00:21:39Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Exactly. I have sex when I want to have sex. I tried the “just have sex to make him happy” thing and it left both my husband-at-the-time and I very shaken, it was so horrible; never again. If I’m pissed off at a person, chances are really slim I’m going to want to have sex with him, so I don’t. Gotta agree with the “just have sex to make him happy” thing. It’s horrible on a lot of levels. I also agree that the concept of “witholding sex” is too simplistic to describe what’s actually going on. If I’m angry with a person, having sex with them is the last thing on my mind. Think about it. If you’re really happy with your SO do you think “Oh my gosh, I gotta reward him/her with some good sex !!” ? You might instead think “Let’s go play and have some fun in bed!” which is a totally different thing. Isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/24 "2011-02-04T00:32:29Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Gotta agree with the “just have sex to make him happy” thing. It’s horrible on a lot of levels. > > I also agree that the concept of “witholding sex” is too simplistic to describe what’s actually going on. If I’m angry with a person, having sex with them is the last thing on my mind. > > Think about it. If you’re really happy with your SO do you think “Oh my gosh, I gotta reward him/her with some good sex !!” ? You might instead think “Let’s go play and have some fun in bed!” which is a totally different thing. Isn’t it? I don’t expect my partner to just have sex to make me happy. If my partner is like me, she would have sex with me despite whatever other issues might arise like a cat that needs attention. No matter what, my life is good if I can satisfy my lover sexually and then we can hash out our differences. My wife requires those differences hashed out prior to sex. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/25 "2011-02-04T00:55:20Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > I don’t expect my partner to just have sex to make me happy. If my partner is like me, she would have sex with me despite whatever other issues might arise like a cat that needs attention. > > No matter what, my life is good if I can satisfy my lover sexually and then we can hash out our differences. My wife requires those differences hashed out prior to sex. And in your mind, she’s “requiring” that, like a payment? Because that’s not it at all. She needs to not be mad in order to enjoy sex. It’s not voluntary. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/26 "2011-02-04T00:55:56Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > And WhyNot stole my answer. BAD WhyNot! Oh dear. Does this mean you’ll withhold sex from me tonight? 😃 (No, for the humor impaired, \*\*jsgoddess \*\*isn’t my lover.) ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/27 "2011-02-04T00:59:35Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > And in your mind, she’s “requiring” that, like a payment? Because that’s not it at all. She needs to not be mad in order to enjoy sex. It’s not voluntary. Right. Some people have to be able to feel loving towards their sex partner in order to have sex. If I’m angry with him, I’m not feeling loving, and I don’t feel like having sex. If I have sex anyway, I feel used and icky. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/28 "2011-02-04T01:02:56Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > (No, for the humor impaired, \*\*jsgoddess \*\*isn’t my lover.) You coulda told me in private! ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/29 "2011-02-04T01:12:45Z")
Here’s another point of view: people that are non-confrontational, people-pleasing types (and many women fall into this category) really, really don’t want to be calmed down until the actual issue is resolved. When you are non-confrontational, you have to be angry to stand up for yourself at all: post-release, all your insecurities and desire to please/avoid unpleasantness comes into the front and you downplay the issue/your own feelings just to get it behind you. So the pattern works like this: Confrontational partner does something thoughtless and causes distress. Non-confrontational partner gets upset Penis ensues Non-confrontational partner calms down and feels guilty for being angry and downplays their earlier feelings. Confrontational partner thinks the issue is resolved because the anger is over. They see this as a 100% positively resolved issue. Non-confrontational partner feels dismissed and taken for granted. They see the problem as still existing. The confrontational partner loves this pattern, and sees it as effective, but it leaves their partner feeling like crap and unable to even admit it, and it promises many, many cycles of the same old crap. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/30 "2011-02-04T01:16:44Z")
Male. Hetero. If I’m mad at my lover, the last thing I’m interested in is sex. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/31 "2011-02-04T01:17:40Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Confrontational partner does something thoughtless and causes distress. > Non-confrontational partner gets upset > Penis ensues > Non-confrontational partner calms down and feels guilty for being angry and downplays their earlier feelings. > Confrontational partner thinks the issue is resolved because the anger is over. They see this as a 100% positively resolved issue. > Non-confrontational partner feels dismissed and taken for granted. They see the problem as still existing. > > The confrontational partner loves this pattern, and sees it as effective, but it leaves their partner feeling like crap and unable to even admit it, and it promises many, many cycles of the same old crap. Oy. That’s all very well said. I came from a marriage where we were BOTH really non-confrontational, so we were too busy trying to stop the other person from being upset to actually resolve anything, most of the time. There was never any angry sex because neither of us would ever cop to being angry. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/32 "2011-02-04T02:02:47Z")
The poll is weird, and I agree with everything else that’s been said. I’ve never withheld sex as a punishment - if I’m angry, I’m not in the mood, so I’m not having sex because I don’t feel like having sex. To be honest I can’t imagine a situation where I’m upset but my boyfriend is so totally clueless as to initiate sex at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/33 "2011-02-04T06:56:30Z")
Like most everyone else, if I’m mad, I’m not “withholding” sex to punish my partner. I’m not in the mood for sex, so I’m not going to have sex. I don’t intend to punish him, I’m just not feeling the love. And having sex when I’m not in the mood makes me feel worse, not better. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/34 "2011-02-04T07:36:06Z")
The results of the poll thus far appear to be a truthful and accurate representation of reality. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/35 "2011-02-04T09:38:03Z")
Withheld sex? Withheld? You mean, like keeping him from having something he’s entitled to? Uh, no. Not for any reason. Because he’s not _entitled_ to have sex with me. Been utterly disinclined toward any sort of physical contact because he’s pissing me off? Fuck, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9de0a6/32.png) [@Electric\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Sky)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/36 "2011-02-04T10:59:23Z")
Bi guy here. If I’m pissed at my partner, it’s less “ahaha, I will cunningly withhold my charms!!” and more “fuck, I can’t even _look_ at you right now, why would I want to sleep with you?” ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/37 "2011-02-04T12:21:42Z")
I have stopped having sex after _I_ orgasmed when I was pissed off. Bisexual female, male partner. Just got on, got off, climbed off, left the room to read a book. BTW, the poll demonstrates bisexual erasure. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/38 "2011-02-04T13:44:34Z")
I’m a female and voted “yes.” But I agree with the others who said they don’t mean it as a punishment but just don’t feel close enough to him then for sex. I think my husband sees sex as the making up, whereas I would rather feel friendly again first. Except for this one time when we had hate sex. Totally hateful, totally hot, omg! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/39 "2011-02-04T13:57:35Z")
Make up sex is that last step in making up - and is an optional step. Not the first. I don’t have sex when I’m mad at someone. That’s counterproductive. The word withholding has the wrong implications though. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/40 "2011-02-04T13:59:25Z")
I could be in the middle of a Force 10 Screaming Meltdown and would still have sex on the spot if somehow the oppertunity presented itself. Like if I yelled so hard both of our clothes fell off. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083.md?page=3)