# Have you ever withheld sex from your lover because you were pissed off? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2011, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083 "2011-02-03T23:26:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/41 "2011-02-04T14:01:59Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Withheld sex? Withheld? You mean, like keeping him from having something he’s entitled to? Uh, no. Not for any reason. Because he’s not _entitled_ to have sex with me. > > Been utterly disinclined toward any sort of physical contact because he’s pissing me off? Fuck, yeah. Yes, exactly. I’ve made a thread and poll titled [When you’re angry at your partner, are you in the in the mood to have sex with them?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=595809), which is what many people in this thread seem to be saying “You didn’t include !” about. ETA: Also, goodness, what’s up with the “man/female” phrasing? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/42 "2011-02-04T14:10:24Z")
I don’t do hate sex and never will, probably. It’s just not in me. I have a temper and I get mad kinda fast and then it burns off really quickly, too…but in that time, I’m just not in the mood. I won’t vote in the poll because I despise the word “withhold” in this context. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/43 "2011-02-04T14:26:50Z")
I agree with the others that there’s a difference between “withholding” and “not in the mood.” Only on a rare occasion has my husband ever attempted to have sex when I was pissed off at him. He will, however, give it the old Spartan attempt, when I’m pissed off at someone else. The net result is still the same. Angry =/ horny ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/44 "2011-02-04T16:50:13Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > The results of the poll thus far appear to be a truthful and accurate representation of reality. … that poor ol’ Flying Dutchman can’t write a poll that makes sense? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/45 "2011-02-04T17:40:07Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Here’s another point of view: people that are non-confrontational, people-pleasing types (and many women fall into this category) really, really don’t want to be calmed down until the actual issue is resolved. When you are non-confrontational, you have to be angry to stand up for yourself at all: post-release, all your insecurities and desire to please/avoid unpleasantness comes into the front and you downplay the issue/your own feelings just to get it behind you. So the pattern works like this: > > Confrontational partner does something thoughtless and causes distress. > Non-confrontational partner gets upset > Penis ensues > Non-confrontational partner calms down and feels guilty for being angry and downplays their earlier feelings. > Confrontational partner thinks the issue is resolved because the anger is over. They see this as a 100% positively resolved issue. > Non-confrontational partner feels dismissed and taken for granted. They see the problem as still existing. > > The confrontational partner loves this pattern, and sees it as effective, but it leaves their partner feeling like crap and unable to even admit it, and it promises many, many cycles of the same old crap. You just perfectly described my current relationship that is now circling the drain precisely because of your last sentence. Thing is, I have emotionally checked out after this recurring pattern has played out over and over again. I am not angry with him at the moment, but when I look at him, I just think, “bleargh.” I’m not withholding because he’s not entitled and I’m not trying to punish him. I’m trying to not punish \*myself \*by having sex with someone who turns my stomach from his chronic narcissistic lack of empathy. I’ve gone way past anger, passed Go and have landed on “apathetic.” That is generally why I might cut someone off: because I just don’t give a damn anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/46 "2011-02-04T21:01:45Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Withheld sex? Withheld? You mean, like keeping him from having something he’s entitled to? Uh, no. Not for any reason. Because he’s not _entitled_ to have sex with me. > > Been utterly disinclined toward any sort of physical contact because he’s pissing me off? Fuck, yeah. I can’t think of a situation where I would “withhold” sex. That implys that either **I** want sex, but I don’t want my partner to have sex, or that I would consider having sex when I don’t want it, because my partner does. We only have sex when we both want it. > [@Electric\_Sky](#): > > Bi guy here. If I’m pissed at my partner, it’s less “ahaha, I will cunningly withhold my charms!!” and more “fuck, I can’t even _look_ at you right now, why would I want to sleep with you?” You don’t happen to have a handle bar mustache and look like [Snidely Whiplash](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snidely_Whiplash), do you? ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/47 "2011-02-04T21:37:41Z")
I think this poll is really badly worded - not only does it ignore bisexual people, but the distinction between lesbian and female/gay and a man is really odd. Also, the idea of withholding sex is a very strange one; it implies one party has an entitlement to sex that the “withholding” partner chooses or not to fulfill, as the whim takes them… I, like pretty much everyone who has responded in the thread, don’t have sex when I’m pissed off because being angry with someone means I’m very much not in the mood to have sex. Having sex when I’m not in the mood for it to make other people happy is not a fun thing to do, and I wouldn’t be pleased to find out that my partner had done so for me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/48 "2011-02-04T23:22:41Z")
> [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](#): > > I can’t think of a situation where I would “withhold” sex. That implys that either **I** want sex, but I don’t want my partner to have sex, or that I would consider having sex when I don’t want it, because my partner does. We only have sex when we both want it. Also that sex is something that’s owed, and not being given. It’s a pretty screwed up way to look at sex with anyone but a prostitute (and even then). Pretty sure this was done a few months ago and had an overwhelmingly similar response. Not wanting to have sex with someone because they pissed you off is not the same as refusing to have sex with someone who is entitled to it to punish them for pissing you off. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/49 "2011-02-05T00:31:33Z")
The reaction to my OP is very interesting indeed. I can have and enjoy sex when I’m angry at my partner. I know she has certain prerequisites that put her in the mood and certain situations when we disagree that will put her off. If she gets pissed off because I don’t want to scrub down the shower stall on a Friday night, or any time for that matter, why do I have to expect not to gert laid that night? On the other hand if she spends a couple of thousand dollars on purchasing jewellry or at the spa and thus upsetting me, I’m still going to want to get laid. Am I too easy ? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/50 "2011-02-05T01:20:08Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > If she gets pissed off because I don’t want to scrub down the shower stall on a Friday night, or any time for that matter, why do I have to expect not to gert laid that night? Possible reasons: 1. She’s physically incapable of enjoying it. Why should I expect not to get laid tonight just because my husband has stomach flu and has been puking his guts out all day? It’s just biology. It can’t be fixed by an act of will. 2. She sees it as an attempt to placate her, and a misguided belief on your part that if you can get her not-angry, you’ve “fixed” whatever you did wrong. She knows that if she has sex with you, you’ll consider the matter resolved. 3. She doesn’t like having sex with you and never has: she only does it to make you happy and therefore “withholds” it when she isn’t feeling like making you happy. 4. She really would like to have sex with you, but is withholding to “teach you a lesson”. Now, if your wife is a screaming harpy psycho bitch, it might be number 4. But I’ve never, ever known a sane woman who thinks this way. If you and your wife are under 21, it might be number 3. Many women at that age haven’t ever even really had an orgasm, and tend to think about sex in terms of “making him a sandwich” or other minor favor. It’s something they do because they are nice, and when she’s upset, she’s not feeling nice. If you have been married for ten or more years and your wife is _regularly_ (like more than a couple times a year) unhappy with you, I think it’s number two–that level of sustained displeasure screams of reoccurring unresolved issues. It’s not about her being mad, it’s about the fact that every time she gets mad, you work on getting her not-mad because you see her anger as an overreaction, and have no intention of actually changing your behavior. If this is something that comes up a couple times a year and your wife is generally a nice, sane person, I think it’s number 1, and you need to cut her some fucking slack. She’s not a bad person because she physically can’t orgasm when she feels like that. I mean, if you had, I dunno, a terrible, horrible case of the trots and through it all your wife was whining that she wanted you to get her off . . .wouldn’t that be a little irritating? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/51 "2011-02-05T01:23:07Z")
I’m glad **MandaJo** pointed out the physical aspect. Most women take time to learn how to reach orgasm with a partner they are attracted to and love (if they ever do). Having sex with someone they resent probably won’t help things. (Not to be confused with silly spats and make up sex, which can both be extra great.) (I see **CrazyCatLady** covered the entitlement bit before I did. So rrargh, hiss, etc.) ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083/52 "2011-02-05T02:22:17Z")
It sort of boggles my mind that someone can get to adulthood and still view sex in relationships as some sort of punishment/reward system. There’s also that vaguely creepy implication that someone is “owed” sex (“withholding” being a violation of what is “owed”). I go both ways, so no poll option for me, but as the others, I have sex when I feel like it, and don’t when I don’t. Honestly, if my partner tried to initiate sex when he knew I was still angry and the issue unresolved, that would piss me off even more. It’s as if s/he didn’t think my feelings (my anger) counts for anything. It’s incredibly dismissive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/have-you-ever-withheld-sex-from-your-lover-because-you-were-pissed-off/570083.md?page=2)