Forgive the novel. This is a topic I’m working through.
My father carried resentments forever and would always trout out his laundry list of grievances against any and all. I remember once when I was 16 or 17, and he was telling me something terrible my mother had done, from before they were married. I was the forth child, so it had been a long time.
I learned that lesson well. I used to spend forever reciting terrible things which had happened to me. Coming from an abusive household, you can collect a large number of them.
After wrecking our family, my father passed away years ago. Three out of the five of us have really serious psychological issues as a consequence. At least four of us have had suicidal idealizations, if not outright attempts. One brother is a bipolar who doesn’t take medication. He’s homeless and can’t work. A sister is on disability for her condition.
Finally, after decades and decades of anger against all of the people who’ve done me wrong, I’m starting to be able to let go. It’s been 30 years since my father died, and now I’m finally able to look back without the anger. I don’t know what I would do if he were still alive, but at least I’m now able to think about it without the rush of overwhelming emotions. He was a really sick man, and I’m glad I don’t have to make the decision about letting my kids have a relationship with him or not.
My mother was unable to protect us from my father. She was a battered wife and remains a victim. It had been difficult to let go of both the feelings of needing to be her savior and also resentment for her role. I am able to feel more objective now.
My older brother sexually molested me when we were young. That really, really bothered me for years. I confronted him once, and he was unable to provide a straightforward apology. He babbled on and on about how much the guilt had hurt him over the years. When I brought up that his speech didn’t include any apology for me, he said that he was sorry “terrible things had happened to you” without taking responsibility for it himself. He had cut us out of his life for years and was trying to come back. I returned the favor and grew increasingly resentful.
Finally, I’ve been able to see how much that was poisoning me. I can look back now at that with a detached view, without wishing harm on him. Again, as I’m on this side of the world, I don’t need to worry about him, so I don’t know how much I’ve “forgiven” him. I’ve made peace in that he was also a child of our household, and wasn’t able to do any better.
My younger brother, the homeless one, said some really hurtful things, including that I had killed my son through my actions. I had to cut him out of my life, and any thoughts of him would stir up a ton of anger. I’ve finally let that go as well. He was simply sick and wasn’t really responsible for his thoughts. I can forgive him of it.
However, like many other people have said, I can’t really forget in that I’m unable to put myself into a vulnerable position with him. He’s not in treatment and could lash out again. I don’t have the capacity to deal with him.