# Having a loved one die **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2017, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050 "2017-08-08T01:50:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/1 "2017-08-08T01:50:30Z")
does anyone want to share things and advice about this? I’m particularly interested in who writes an obituary. Can you call a newspaper and have them write one with you providing the biographical data? ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/2 "2017-08-08T01:58:14Z")
When my father and brother died (not at the same time), I wrote their obits. It was just a matter of going to the website of our local paper, navigating to the obit page, and following the instructions. I think they may have offered a service to write or edit it, but I just read a few samples and wrote it myself. In each case, it was a pretty simple notice, so it didn’t take very long. I just wrote it, submitted it online, and paid by credit card. Assuming that you’re going through this now, I’m sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/3 "2017-08-08T02:05:34Z")
My mother wrote my father’s obit but I was young and thought I knew how to write and wanted to feel like I was doing something important, so I insisted on editing privileges. We passed the final version among us to sort of give it a final group approval. I think obits, like eulogies, ought to be someone close to the individual but it doesn’t have to be the spouse or child. It could be a good friend, too. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/4 "2017-08-08T02:06:35Z")
> [@Bayard](#): > > Assuming that you’re going through this now, I’m sorry for your loss. I echo this and sorry I failed to mention it earlier. Assuming you’ve just had a loss, my sympathies drad dog. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/5 "2017-08-08T02:13:54Z")
**Moderator Action** Since this is looking for advice as well as factual answers, it belongs in IMHO. Any factual information is of course still welcome. Moving thread from GQ to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/6 "2017-08-08T02:14:33Z")
And my sympathies, too. My oldest wrote Wife’s obituary, which I never saw. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/7 "2017-08-08T02:19:10Z")
> [@drad\_dog](#): > > does anyone want to share things and advice about this? > > I’m particularly interested in who writes an obituary. Can you call a newspaper and have them write one with you providing the biographical data? Around here, my experience is that the funeral home writes up a death notice (or obituary, they are two slightly different things) and sends it out to the newspapers. You might want to ask the funeral home; they would be able to help you. And my condolences. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/8 "2017-08-08T02:20:40Z")
Here are some obituary templates that may be helpful to those going through this: > **[Death Notice Templates And Obituary Templates](https://www.everplans.com/articles/death-notice-templates-and-obituary-templates)** > > To help you write a death notice or obituary, here are a number of templates. The information in \[brackets\] and bold is for you to fill in with the particular information about the person who died. These are almost fill-in-the-blank. They have different templates based on what info you have available or want to share. Some good advice here (another page from the same site as above): > **[How To Write A Death Notice Or Obituary](https://www.everplans.com/articles/how-to-write-a-death-notice-or-obituary)** > > All the information you need to know to craft the perfect death notice or obituary. Another site with good advice: > **[How To Write An Obituary – A Step-by-Step Guide](https://www.remembranceprocess.com/capturing-a-life-in-words/guide-to-writing-an-obituary/)** Many funeral homes will also write the obituary for you. My mother passed away earlier this year. My sister wrote the obituary. Having a loved one pass away can be difficult. A lot of friends and family won’t know what to say and want to help but don’t know how. They may not say anything because they just don’t know what to say. If you need help or just need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to speak up. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/9 "2017-08-08T02:21:56Z")
Some papers have obit writers on staff (the New York Times obit writers had a [documentary made about them](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/25/movies/review-obit-documentary-new-york-times.html) recently). You may want to call your local paper and see if they can provide any help. Mostly though it is up to the family since they are the ones with the knowledge to write one. The paper may lend some editorial help (stress on “may”). As to who in the family writes it that can be anyone. I do not think there is a tradition for a particular person to write it. Those closest to the person, who knew them best, may be too upset to be able to write one. So, figure it out among the family and of course ask for input from multiple people unless the obit is perfunctory (e.g. John Doe passed on Thursday, he is survived by his wife Jane and kids Steve and Mary. Memorial will be at XXX at 2pm at XXX funeral home). ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/10 "2017-08-08T02:34:33Z")
My father had a couple of obits. My mother was interviewed by someone from the newspaper who talked to her over the phone for one of them, then emailed her the copy and she approved it. She writes articles, so she could have written it, but I think it was SOP that a reporter wrote it. It was an editorial decision that my father was important enough for a write-up, and not just a small column in the obit page. But he’d been a professor of Soviet politics, and the go-to guy at the paper for a quote whenever there was something about the Soviet Union. That was the _Post_. The _Times_ mentioned him in their regular obit page, and I think they culled their information from the article that appeared in the Columbia University paper, which was written by the chair of my father’s department, where he was professor emeritus. He had like, three lines in the _Times_. My mother is on borrowed time now, and she will probably have obits in two papers, in Maine where she lives most of the time, and in NY, where she spends several months each year. I will probably write it, but my brother will have editorial approval. We will have to feature the fact that she had her doctorate prominently, and mention some of her publications, but other than that, it will be the typical, “She is survived by,” and “The memorial will be…” We are having a private funeral for just my brother and his wife, my family, and my stepfather, ASAP, according to Jewish law, then we will contact all the people who would want to be at her memorial, and have a service when the most people can be there. The burial will be in Maine, but the memorial will probably be in NY, where it will be easier for people who are spread out to get to. We just had a family reunion at the beginning of the summer, where she got to see everyone, and she was still doing well. She and I and my stepfather knew it would probably be the last time she saw them all, but she didn’t tell them. Wow. Sorry to go on like that. It’s just that my mother is currently in the hospital waiting for a hospice bed, and it’s pretty much all that is on my mind right now. ---
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/11 "2017-08-08T02:58:45Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > My father had a couple of obits. My mother was interviewed by someone from the newspaper who talked to her over the phone for one of them, then emailed her the copy and she approved it. She writes articles, so she could have written it, but I think it was SOP that a reporter wrote it. It was an editorial decision that my father was important enough for a write-up, and not just a small column in the obit page. But he’d been a professor of Soviet politics, and the go-to guy at the paper for a quote whenever there was something about the Soviet Union. That was the _Post_. The _Times_ mentioned him in their regular obit page, and I think they culled their information from the article that appeared in the Columbia University paper, which was written by the chair of my father’s department, where he was professor emeritus. He had like, three lines in the _Times_. > > My mother is on borrowed time now, and she will probably have obits in two papers, in Maine where she lives most of the time, and in NY, where she spends several months each year. I will probably write it, but my brother will have editorial approval. > > We will have to feature the fact that she had her doctorate prominently, and mention some of her publications, but other than that, it will be the typical, “She is survived by,” and “The memorial will be…” We are having a private funeral for just my brother and his wife, my family, and my stepfather, ASAP, according to Jewish law, then we will contact all the people who would want to be at her memorial, and have a service when the most people can be there. The burial will be in Maine, but the memorial will probably be in NY, where it will be easier for people who are spread out to get to. > > We just had a family reunion at the beginning of the summer, where she got to see everyone, and she was still doing well. She and I and my stepfather knew it would probably be the last time she saw them all, but she didn’t tell them. > > Wow. Sorry to go on like that. It’s just that my mother is currently in the hospital waiting for a hospice bed, and it’s pretty much all that is on my mind right now. Well this is the worst. It only gets better. You have lot to look forward to, when the worry stops. ---
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/12 "2017-08-08T03:00:30Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Around here, my experience is that the funeral home writes up a death notice (or obituary, they are two slightly different things) and sends it out to the newspapers. You might want to ask the funeral home; they would be able to help you. And my condolences. I’m not actually very clear on my moms curriculum vitae. I guess I’ll call the local paper, and see if they can help me. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/13 "2017-08-08T04:16:25Z")
I don’t remember who wrote my mother’s obit. One of my sisters wrote my dad’s. I don’t remember who wrote my nephew’s obit, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my sister who was his mother. I wrote my husband’s obit. I guess we like to keep these things in the family, but it doesn’t have to be a family member. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/14 "2017-08-08T04:23:45Z")
I was elected to write my Dad’s obituary when he died a few months ago. I emailed a copy to my sister and my stepmom and they made a few minor suggestions for edits and then I submitted it via email per the newspaper’s instructions. (Los Angeles Times). I didn’t really see the point but my stepmom asked me to do it. The big surprise to me was the expense. It was three paragraphs and fewer than 300 words and cost $718 to run for one day. ---
**Author:** ![Newtosite](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/newtosite/32/8623_2.png) [@Newtosite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Newtosite)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/15 "2017-08-08T11:16:46Z")
I wrote my dad’s obituary and a few major newspapers published it without charging me anything. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/16 "2017-08-08T13:59:53Z")
My father died a few months ago. I drafted an obit and my brother edited it down due to length (newspapers charge by the word so being wordy can run into real money). I just looked up some obits online I liked and modified one based on my father’s life. Took about 15 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![TRC4941](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trc4941/32/6792_2.png) [@TRC4941](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TRC4941)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/17 "2017-08-08T15:43:31Z")
My son died 2-1/2 years ago (30 yrs old) after fighting cancer for over 2 years. I wrote the obit because I wanted to be sure certain things were included. I gave it to my husband, daughter and son’s fiance’ to proof it and add anything they wanted. The funeral home submitted it to the newspaper. The newspaper doesn’t charge anything unless it’s over a certain length which of course it was. I think it was about $150. Other decisions were made with all of us together - it’s such a horrible, agonizing time that you need each other - to navigate through that nightmare alone would have been even worse. We chose the photographs for the DVD that played before the service together, we each chose a reading and decided together which friend or family member would read or speak. Then we saw the outrageous, inflated prices of the funeral home’s urns, programs, thank you’s and guest books. We purchased the thank you cards from the dollar store, the guest book from Hobby Lobby, Jake’s finace’ and I made the programs ourselves and an acquantince of my sister who owned a ceramics shop offered to make the urn for us - at no cost. (She would normally charge $25 which is still a far cry from the $800+ the funeral home wanted) The funeral directors were fine with all of it. I am sorry for your loss and I hope and pray that you have family and friends that will help you through all of this. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/18 "2017-08-08T16:16:45Z")
My dad got two obits in the old hometown paper. I wrote the first, which turned out to have a word count under their guidelines for free obits and got published with a bit of editing on their end. At my suggestion, they contacted his executrix - one of my sisters - who wrote and paid for the full obit. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/19 "2017-08-08T16:32:38Z")
> [@drad\_dog](#): > > does anyone want to share things and advice about this? There’s already been advice on obituaries, so may I say I’m sorry if you’ve recently had a bereavement and offer advice. When my beloved parents passed (within a month of each other), I was naturally shattered. I found much comfort in the reactions of family and friends, having funerals that celebrated my parent’s lives and seeing a grief counsellor. Also it always helps if people make a will so that there are no arguments about their bequests or what commemoration they would like. Finally I will always miss my parents, but the passage of time has helped me cope. (If you’d like me to say more, I’d be happy to…) ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050/20 "2017-08-08T16:44:13Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Around here, my experience is that the funeral home writes up a death notice (or obituary, they are two slightly different things) and sends it out to the newspapers. You might want to ask the funeral home; they would be able to help you. And my condolences. This is what happened with us. They wrote it with our input. We gave them all the details and anything we wanted said, and they made it sound “obituary like.” I felt we were fortunate that we dealt with an honest funeral home. They certainly charged for their services, but we never felt they were trying to milk us for more money. None of us had ever planned a funeral before and they walked us through every little detail (how much to tip the church and the old ladies who make the funeral ham, getting the city to dig the grave, etc.). Celebrating the deceased’s life, rather than grieving their death, really helped me in the long run. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-a-loved-one-die/793050.md?page=2)