# Having it all and then losing it OR never having it in the first place--Which is worse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 9, 2013, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444 "2013-03-09T00:10:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/1 "2013-03-09T00:10:43Z")
Examples: You spend half of your life able-bodied and then the next half paralyzed from the waist down. OR You spend your whole life paralyzed from the waist down. You have the love of your life and beautiful children, then lose them all in an instant. OR You never fall in love, never have children (and you desperately want both). You spend the first part of your life fabulously, filthy rich, then the second half poor and destitute. OR You are poor and destitute throughout your entire life. Which of the two positions do you think tend to bring the most internal suffering to the victims? And are you consistent with your personal preferences in the above scenarios? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/2 "2013-03-09T01:55:35Z")
You can’t mourn what you’ve never had. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/3 "2013-03-09T02:59:52Z")
It’s my understanding that people who are raised well off and end up poor test medically as more stressed on average than someone who has been poor from childhood. The hypothesis I recall being given to explain it is that we instinctively learn what is “normal” as children, therefore being poor will never feel “right” to anyone who was well off initially. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/4 "2013-03-09T03:13:58Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > You can’t mourn what you’ve never had. Of course you can. I think I would choose never having it in the first place over having it all and losing it. The one situation I can relate to is wanting children more than anything and not being able to have them. I’d rather be as I am than have a miscarriage or lose a child later. ---
**Author:** ![jools](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b3f665/32.png) [@jools](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jools)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/5 "2013-03-09T03:17:11Z")
I personally think losing it all is worse! ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/6 "2013-03-09T03:24:16Z")
> [@Silvorange](#): > > Of course you can. > > I think I would choose never having it in the first place over having it all and losing it. The one situation I can relate to is wanting children more than anything and not being able to have them. I’d rather be as I am than have a miscarriage or lose a child later. Then I meant to say “miss”. You can’t miss what you’ve never experienced. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/7 "2013-03-09T03:29:28Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Then I meant to say “miss”. You can’t miss what you’ve never experienced. That works. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/8 "2013-03-09T03:30:09Z")
I had a 20 year period of happy family and then lost it. This hurt me the most. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and never knew what normal was until I had it and then lost it. I also grew up poor and then had a 12 year period in my adult life of financial success, again I lost it. This never phased me in the least, maybe because I settled into a somewhat comfortable middle class income. I was always blessed with good strength, good health and natural athleticism. The past 10 years I have been somewhat crippled up but far from disabled, this tends to anger me and irritate me but not really affect my overall state of mind. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/9 "2013-03-09T03:36:45Z")
_" … 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."_ easier to preach than practise. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/10 "2013-03-09T04:27:25Z")
> [@shijinn](#): > > _" … 'Tis better to have loved and lost > Than never to have loved at all."_ > > easier to preach than practise. “Better”, not “easier”. You can go through live never having stuff and you probably wouldn’t miss it. But you would never get to enjoy it either. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/11 "2013-03-09T04:51:03Z")
I think an important factor is whether you _know_ about the things you’ve never had. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/12 "2013-03-09T08:10:24Z")
I don’t think either one is “worst.” I’ve never worked out if I was a poor little rich girl or a rich little poor girl. That’s how much our fortunes changed from time to time. Sometimes, losing everything is the most liberating experience of your life. Sometimes, having everything you ever wanted is not enough. I think most of us settle into a middle ground of mild discontent because it gives us something to look forward to. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/13 "2013-03-09T09:21:57Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > “Better”, not “easier”. > > You can go through live never having stuff and you probably wouldn’t miss it. But you would never get to enjoy it either. while i share your position, “Better” isn’t “easier”. it is, after all, the reason why some people shy away from life, love and adventure. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/14 "2013-03-09T09:31:41Z")
nevermind, i misunderstood your post. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/15 "2013-03-09T12:14:13Z")
As Bart Simpson once said, “'Tis better to have loved and lost, blah blah blah, let’s go to the arcade!” …So, to answer your question, I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/16 "2013-03-09T21:57:00Z")
I knew a man that was once worth $100 million who later died penniless in a cheap single wide. He said it was better to have it, at least for a while, ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2013, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/17 "2013-03-09T22:24:11Z")
I think this is just a matter of personalities. If you are a personality prone to regret but not envy, better to never have it. Envy but not regret, the other way around. I’m more regretful and less envious, so I don’t tend to mourn what I never had. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/having-it-all-and-then-losing-it-or-never-having-it-in-the-first-place-which-is-worse/652444/18 "2013-03-11T04:35:15Z")
I’ve thought about this in a more-or-less related way regarding my husband and I; I’ve never been able to figure out what I wanted to do as a career, and my husband knows very well what he wants to do, but was unable to do it. I can’t figure out which is worse. Never figuring it out means a lifetime of searching and being uncertain; knowing but not being able to do it means a lifetime of being unfulfilled - not being able to reach what you are aiming for. Having it all and losing it or never having it in the first place is each its own kind of problem; it’s hard to say which kind of unpleasantness is worse.