But see what I’m talking about is a person with NO friends. Not just a “few”. It’s normal for people to have a few close friends, then acquaintances. I’m taking the person can’t think of anybody they consider their friend in real life.
Right, and what I’m saying is if their personality otherwise seems fine, I wouldn’t dump someone because they don’t have friends. Their lack of friends may give me pause, but rejecting them on that basis alone is unlikely if I’m attracted to them.
Are you defining “friend” in “real life” as someone you physically spend social time with?
In my example, all of my friends are either out of town and too remote to see in person, or are themselves also consumed with other obligations (e.g. kids, grad school, etc) to ever make social plans. As a result, I maybe will see any “friend” in person at best a couple of times in a year, but I am in regular touch with emails, phone calls, online chats, etc. My own family then gives me all of the in-person contact I’d ever ask for.
IOW, I consider “real life” to be inclusive of remote interaction. My close friend in China, for example, is real life to me even though we haven’t seen each other face-to-face in 10 years.
I remember sitting in the recruiter’s office when I was signing up to join the Army, having a conversation with him about what to expect. What living on a base is like. What the typical day is. I said something like, “Man, I am really going to miss my friends!” and he quickly responded with “No you won’t! You won’t have anything in common with them anymore!” I was so offended. Seriously, how rude is that? You don’t know me, man! I stayed pissed about it, but it wasn’t long after I put on a uniform that I realized he was right. Everything changes. Now it’s a relief when I meet someone who has served.
When I finished my tour, I moved to a new state to go to school, and worked as a bartender while getting my degrees. Not only was I older than just about everyone else I worked and went to school with, but was also married, and a veteran. Not a lot to work with there. Thankfully, you actually get pretty good at starting from scratch and making new friends when you’re in the military, so I met some buddies but circumstances change and people move.
After finishing school I had a few short jobs where I met some people I’d consider friends, but not the type I actively do things with. Maybe a text or email once or twice a year, maybe a lunch outing. Now, I’ve stayed in the same job for the past nine years or so. It’s great and the people are nice to work with, but let’s just say there’s no one here I want to grab a beer with after hours.
I mean, I’m cool. I can get along with anyone, but there are only a handful of people I consider my friends: old Army buddies, an old classmate, other friends I’ve known for years, but they all live hundreds of miles away from me and we interact mostly through email. The closest ones are maybe a ten hour drive from here. I couldn’t rightly say if they’re at the “I need $5000, I’m in trouble with the mob.” or “I need a couch to crash on for a few days.” level, but we talk about more than the weather.
Of course I’ve got my wife and we’re BFFs, but if she were to leave me for the mailman tonight…it’ll just be me and the dog. I guess I don’t really have a backup plan. Does this make me sketchy? Tough to say.
God forbid a man should not seek self-validation through others.
That attitude towards having friends - pretty big red flag. Though it would explain the lack.
It’s not that the number of friends they have makes them more or less attractive. It’s about not wanting to be their social director/lifeline to the world. And being afraid of what it’ll be like if they break up.
For example, my friend Diane met a guy Travis, who had recently moved to Houston. A mutual friend of theirs said they should meet and Diane could show him around a bit. Turns out Travis is cute and fun and nice, and asked Diane out on a date, but she was reluctant to date him at first, since she was the only person he knew in Houston outside of his job. She was afraid they’d start dating, and he’d meet her friends and become involved in her social life, and then if they broke up he’d know no one in Houston. Fortunately, she didn’t have to debate too long, because he started meeting some people at various activities here. I don’t know if he’s made any close friends, but if they broke up, he wouldn’t be home alone calling Diane wishing they were still together.
That’s pretty presumptive. Isn’t it?
I mean, if I’m cruising through life without a pal in the world, why would you think I need or want yours? Because you think I should have more friends than I do? Or if I’m new to the area, why would you think I need you to establish anything? Even if I meet your friends and hit it off with some of them, what does that have to do with you? It’ll make the breakup suck a little more, but that’ll happen if I have my own friends.
Maybe I’m completely off base. (It wouldn’t be the first time.) I haven’t dated vast numbers of women so I’m not too hip to the dating scene. I have heard horror stories though. Do people habitually leech the social circle of their partners? That’s the kind of thing you probably only let happen once.
I guess I’m thinking that if dude doesn’t have friends because he’s a freakshow, that’ll be readily apparent. Also that super-clinginess is independent of number of friends.
It’d be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe if you’ve just moved in to town a week ago, there might be some leeway. But at some point, I’d expect most people to want to join a meetup group or something. I’ve moved plenty, so I know making friends can be done.
Anyway, there are two ways to be friendless. One is if people don’t like you, which is a red flag. The other is if you don’t like people, which is another red flag. Neither one is likely to be compatible with me, as I’m pretty social and expect some time to socialize on my own as well as pleasant company during social events.
But if the friendless person is an introvert and has a strong fondness for solitary pastimes, why would they need you to be a social director? They are fine with their own company more than not. I guess I don’t understand this assumption.
Someone not having friends isn’t a dealbreak, in fact, I think dealbreaker is thrown around way too often when it comes to meeting people. Certainly, if I were to meet someone and find out she’s a coke fiend and recently got out of a murder conviction on a technicality, yeah, those are dealbreakers, but a lot of the things used to describe people, like their looks, friends, sexual history, should all be taken in context.
As it comes to friends, as others have pointed out, it’s not always a bad thing. I think having no friends should be a sign that one look into the situation. For instance, I’m fairly introverted, I get along well with people, but I also can get most of the social interaction I need just from incidental interaction with work and gym buddies, so I don’t often go out or entertain. But I still have a few close friends that I will talk to as the need arises. For someone who is a social butterfly, that may seem like I only have a few friends and she wouldn’t want to date me, but similarly, I’d probably see a person like that as having and needing too much social interaction and we may have some compatibility issues. Or maybe it will work out fine, it’s just something to be aware of.
So, sure, I think having zero friends could be a warning sign, but I’d not just write someone off for that alone if her other aspects seemed to be a good fit. Of course, if there’s a bunch of potential signs, I may just decide it’s not worth the effort to sort out either. Frankly, I’d probably view someone seeing that as a dealbreaker as an ominous sign itself that they put too much value on stuff I tend to deem not as important.
There is a HUGE difference between having only a few friends and having zero friends. Even the most dedicated introverts have a few friends.
That why my post said that, even if they were fine with me going off with my friends while they stayed at home, I’d still feel guilty. By no means am I placing any sort of judgment or blame on him; it falls on me. The act of excluding him from certain gatherings (with my same group of friends he hangs out w/ at times) would make me feel uneasy or awkward. He may be fine with staying alone or at home, but knowing he was there alone would still make me feel like I couldn’t completely enjoy myself, because even if he would be happy reading a book or playing games, I would still feel odd knowing he was alone - even if it was one of his favorite things to do.
It wouldn’t be his issue; it would be mine. But, because at the end of the day, it’s about compatibility and it’s something to which I’m not sure I could completely adjust, it would most likely be a deal-breaker.
This was my whole point, ** even sven**. It’s not so much the quantity of friends that would be an issue, it’s the stark absence of them.
If someone is so antisocial they won’t make the effort to maintain friendships, they probably aren’t going to put much effort in a relationship either. The other more outgoing partner will be left to pretend to be interested in their twitch streams and dusting their collection of trilbys 
Ya’ll are forgetting that the “chooser” could be someone who doesn’t have a friend either.
Oh, not necessarily. The opposite could well be true. The antisocial partner could be lonely beyond belief, with love to burn, and having finally found their one true soul mate, they pour every ounce of their heart into the relationship.
And then you’ve got *real *problems.
As a person who didn’t have any friends when I met my SO five years ago, i would say it is a definite red flag. I didn’t have any friends because I was very socially awkward, emotionally weird, adrift in life, self-centered. I was pretty up front with her when we met though; I told her I had emotional problems and I wasn’t interested in therapy. It didn’t really phase her. Neither did my lack of having a working door for my business.
Anyway, it turned out being one on those situations where the rocks in my head fit the holes in hers, and we have really been very happy ever since. Every situation is unique, but I think the no having friends should be a red flag; at the time I met my SO I had never actually met anyone who had cared about me as a person - some people just sort of fall through the cracks in life like that, and she did put up with a lot of things; after a whileI just started to change though - sometimes we laugh about it.
That’s great that you were so honest with yourself. I could totally see others in your shoes either be much more dishonest (I’d probably just lie about it) or act like it wasn’t their fault. But I think because you were really upfront about it you took a lot of power out of that red flag, and gave your partner a chance to feel it out.
It seems like your example shows that Diane would have missed out on a cute, fun, nice guy by making assumptions.
I’m with you with the face on this one. If someone doesn’t have any friends because they are a dick, it’s the dickishness, not the lack of friends. If someone’s lack of friends makes them clingy, it’s the clinginess, not the lack of friends. It might be a clue, but I’m not going to be too worried about it.
I have a handful of friends but none of them are within 500 miles. it will probably stay that way. So I don’t think I could hold that against a woman. I could see why it would cause issues, but I’ve lived 37 years with extreme social anxiety and managed to have a few good LTRs. It’s a lot harder to find friends than lovers.