# "He died before he knew he was a dad." Why is this sad?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [March 26, 2024, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393 "2024-03-26T15:14:45Z")
**Posts on this page:** 11
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/1 "2024-03-26T15:14:45Z")
It’s a plot point I’ve seen in various media-but why is it sad? I wouldn’t want to die knowing that my partner has a kid they’ll be raising on their own and who will never meet or know their dad. I’d rather die not knowing! I get you’d have wanted to meet them, but I’d just rather not have that info at all until I’m safe, not while I’m bleeding out or whatever.
---
### Author:  [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/2 "2024-03-26T15:18:44Z")
> [@Love\_Rhombus](#):
>
> It’s a plot point I’ve seen in various media
Do you have any examples?
> [@Love\_Rhombus](#):
>
> but why is it sad?
This is just a WAG since I don’t know the context, but: maybe the idea of dying thinking that you’re leaving nothing behind—that you made no difference to the world that will outlive you?
---
### Author:  [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/3 "2024-03-26T15:19:07Z")
“At least I died a _man_.” /s
---
### Author:  [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/4 "2024-03-26T15:36:02Z")
Yeah, I agree with the OP. Dead is dead, and you’re not thinking about anything ever again. But most people are hard-wired in their brains to think “reproduce!”, so those that do also think everyone else thinks the same way. And having children is the best and only thing.
In a related thought, I just don’t get the recurring cop show plot: guy goes on a spree, kidnapping murder, dismemberment, traitor, whatever, so when cornered he wants to shoot himself. The good cops (usually on CBS\*, but not entirely) convince him to live, because of his children, and how he wouldn’t want them to grow up never seeing him again.
yea, right, seeing your father behind a glass partition once a month, knowing he murdered X number of people, and getting constantly harassed at school for having a murdering traitor dad, is SOOOO much better.
\*The most recent FBI episode used this.
---
### Author:  [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/5 "2024-03-26T15:38:55Z")
A scene I’d like to see:
Bad Guy: I’m going to shoot myself!
Cop: Oh! I thougt you were threatening others. Well, go ahead, get it over with. I’ve got a lunch appointment.
---
### Author:  [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/6 "2024-03-26T16:45:04Z")
That’s a bit different. I’d see it as my duty to stop the bad guy from shooting themselves. They’re clearly having a mental health issue.
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#):
>
> Do you have any examples?
I will confess that I have no definite examples, but I’d swear I’ve seen or read about it somewhere before. Perhaps a trope, but I’m not sure how to search for it.
---
### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/7 "2024-03-26T18:00:33Z")
> [@Love\_Rhombus](#):
>
> They’re clearly having a mental health issue
That is entirely a matter of your opinion. Not one everyone shares.
As to the OP topic I think it’s real simple.
IMO the person making the sad “he never knew” comment is thinking of how the newly dead guy would have reacted at the time he _got_ the news. Not how he’d have felt while dying later _with_ the news.
An implicit assumption is that everone / anyone would be ecstatic at hearing “Congrats! You’re gonna be a father!”. And that the guy is in a traditional marriage that was happy & cheat-free as far as he knew.
In other words it’s an innocent 1950s era trope.
---
### Author:  [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2024, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/8 "2024-03-26T23:42:07Z")
Because of course, TV Tropes:
> **[Died in Ignorance - TV Tropes](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DiedInIgnorance)**
>
> Characters die all the time. They can be killed, sacrifice themselves for a greater cause, die of catastrophic injury, or simply die of natural causes. But no matter how these characters die, dying before The Reveal will almost always make it …
and
> **[Someone to Remember Him By - TV Tropes](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SomeoneToRememberHimBy)**
>
> Just before the Big Damn Heroes scene, or just after the hero's done his Heroic Sacrifice, the girl he left behind discovers that she's pregnant. He's gone, but not forgotten. Subtrope of New Child Left Behind. Bonus points are awarded if this is …
To me, it’s a way (an overdone, overblown way) to show how much character ABC had to live for, and an attempt to increase the emotional impact of the death. Alternately, it can be used to soften the blow (to the audience) of the loss of a beloved character, in the sense that a part will always go on… (insert overly overblown cinematic closing song of your choice).
---
### Author:  [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)
#### Post date: [March 27, 2024, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/9 "2024-03-27T02:34:04Z")
> [@Love\_Rhombus](#):
>
> I will confess that I have no definite examples, but I’d swear I’ve seen or read about it somewhere before.
I think it is more common to die never having seen your kid.
---
### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [March 27, 2024, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/10 "2024-03-27T14:49:03Z")
I’ll also suggest as to movies, books, etc., the trope dates from awhile ago.
In WWII a lot of troops were married. Most people married immediately after high school. Plus the very real fraction of single troops who got married just before shipping out as some kind of either ownership claim on the wife, or as a good luck talisman.
For a war movie set in e.g. 2010 Iraq, a lot more of at least the first term troops would be single. Not from any DoD policy difference, but just because people in 2010 didn’t have nearly the social pressure to marry ASAP as did folks in the 1940s & 50s.
---
### Author:  [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)
#### Post date: [March 27, 2024, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-died-before-he-knew-he-was-a-dad-why-is-this-sad/999393/11 "2024-03-27T15:08:17Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> Not from any DoD policy difference, but just because people in 2010 didn’t have nearly the social pressure to marry ASAP as did folks in the 1940s & 50s.
I don’t know about that - from what I’ve seen both in TV/movies and real life although the general social pressure to marry ASAP is less than it was in the 40s and 50s , that may not be the case for those in the military. There are supposedly some benefits that go along with being married , such as different housing options and survivor benefits. And there’s also the notification issue.