# He is my cousin you stupid bitch **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 11, 2005, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190 "2005-01-11T08:18:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/41 "2005-01-12T01:34:18Z")
> [@AwSnappity](#): > > Heh, I read this as “cornet”, as in the instrument that’s kind of like a trumpet. And I was wondering if that would really “show” her or not. Seems to me that hitting someone with a sousaphone would be more effective. A cornet is kind of small. I’ve got a cornet. While a sousaphone would be much more comedic, the cornet would be a much more effective weapon. I could get in quite a few shots before the sousaphone was swung even close. Of course, the comet would crush them both. Unless of course he meant comet brand cleanser, which would make a lousy weapon. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/42 "2005-01-12T01:46:58Z")
> [@Harborwolf](#): > > I must say that I’m kind of disappointed in what I’m seeing here. I never knew the board was so bloody cliqueish. Any other poster, or really even a guest, would get sympathy. Because it’s Kel, then fuck him. > > A lot of you dopers are really nice people, and I’d like to think that this is an aberration. This sort of behavior just really churns my stomach. ☹ I’m sorry we’ve disappointed you Harborwolf, but you might consider staying out of the Pit. There’s a number of people who would get this reaction. I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend, Kel. I know the pain she must be in to do things like this. I once dumped a nice man for a 19 year old boy. I can’t tell you how great 19 year olds are in bed. Firm for hours. If you could bottle that up and give it to the over-25 guys, there’d be a lot more happy women in the world. College boys are really the way to go. \ Of course, I never dated a drug user, so maybe it’s different for your ex. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/43 "2005-01-12T01:58:52Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The shrapnel almost took out my left nut. Bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaa! Hysterical! 🆒 Oh, and uh gee, that sucks **Kel**. And apparently, so does your ex-girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/44 "2005-01-12T03:06:10Z")
> [@Harborwolf](#): > > Unless of course he meant comet brand cleanser, which would make a lousy weapon. :: snork! :: 😃 Now I have a mental image of my grandmother as a frustrated commando ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/45 "2005-01-12T03:28:47Z")
> [@Harborwolf](#): > > Unless of course he meant comet brand cleanser, which would make a lousy weapon. Didn’t you ever see _Mommie Dearest_? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/46 "2005-01-12T03:37:44Z")
> [@FaerieBeth](#): > > :: snork! :: > 😃 > > Now I have a mental image of my grandmother as a frustrated commando Great. Now I have a mental image of my grandmother going commando. :eek: I’m going to need some of that Comet cleanser to scrub my brain. Thankfully I have a closet full of the stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/aeb1de/32.png) [@Kel\_Varnsen\_Latex\_Division](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kel_Varnsen_Latex_Division)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/47 "2005-01-12T05:01:09Z")
Please lock/delete this thread. Nothing in it true. I didn’t post it. I left my computer on with Straight Dope page open and someone thought it would be funny to post this. My cousin is not having an affair with my girlfriend. There is a story about why the person made up this story, but it boring and complicated so I won’t get into it. I will keep my computer locked from now on. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/48 "2005-01-12T05:14:10Z")
Do you believe him? Is he a liar? Or is he one scarey fuck with designs on his cousin’s girlfriend and daughter? The world may never know. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/49 "2005-01-12T05:33:55Z")
> [@](#): > > I will keep my computer locked from now on. You do realize that with this declaration, you won’t be able to use this excuse for any future incidents? ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/50 "2005-01-12T05:36:40Z")
Maybe the dog really did eat his homework ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/51 "2005-01-12T06:00:46Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > Please lock/delete this thread. Nothing in it true. I didn’t post it. I left my computer on with Straight Dope page open and someone thought it would be funny to post this. My cousin is not having an affair with my girlfriend. > > There is a story about why the person made up this story, but it boring and complicated so I won’t get into it. > > I will keep my computer locked from now on. Riiiiight. Funny how the prankster not only nailed your posting style, complete with the kind of disclaimer one might include if they’d been burned here a couple of times (why would someone playing a joke on you know to do that?) but also told an elaborate story that painted you as an honestly pitiable victim, instead of an idiot, like “LOL im kel varnsen look at mee im stooopid ahr har har OMG u all suxxors.” And, he only posted once, instead of flooding the forums and getting you banned. No, there’s a story behind it all right. It just hasn’t been made up yet. We’ll give you a couple days, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![Sample\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sample\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sample_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/52 "2005-01-12T06:03:07Z")
So, uh… she into the group thing? Make lemonade, I always say. And **TD** , I didn’t go _near_ that homework. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/53 "2005-01-12T06:42:06Z")
Maybe we can make this a guessing game. Was it: l. [Homeless girl](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=295817)? 1. [Evil plumbers](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=289088)? 2. One of the posters in your previous [How can I lock my computer?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=255283) threads? 3. All of the riders on the _Orient Express_. My choice is #4. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/54 "2005-01-12T06:50:11Z")
> [@Tapioca Dextrin](#): > > Maybe the dog really did eat his homework The dog probably **is** his homework. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/55 "2005-01-12T07:28:32Z")
> [@The Devil's Grandmother](#): > > I once dumped a nice man for a 19 year old boy. I can’t tell you how great 19 year olds are in bed. Firm for hours. If you could bottle that up and give it to the over-25 guys, there’d be a lot more happy women in the world. College boys are really the way to go. \ Of course, I never dated a drug user, so maybe it’s different for your ex. Yeah, my first thought after reading the OP is that Kel undoubtedly has a very small penis. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/56 "2005-01-12T09:03:36Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen...](#): > > I will keep my computer locked from now on. Why don’t you just staple your fingers together? ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/57 "2005-01-12T12:37:35Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > l. [Homeless girl](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=295817)? > > 1. [Evil plumbers](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=295817)? These both point to the same thread… So the plumbers are in league with the homeless? ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/58 "2005-01-12T13:41:35Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > Please lock/delete this thread. Nothing in it true. I didn’t post it. I left my computer on with Straight Dope page open and someone thought it would be funny to post this. My cousin is not having an affair with my girlfriend. > > There is a story about why the person made up this story, but it boring and complicated so I won’t get into it. > > I will keep my computer locked from now on. Damn, I knew I should have picked door number three. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/59 "2005-01-12T13:41:49Z")
> [@Tengu](#): > > These both point to the same thread… So the plumbers are in league with the homeless? Damn! I knew God was gonna get me for replying to this thread. :eek: I think I violated a subchapter of Gaudere’s Law. (I fixed my link in my original post). ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/60 "2005-01-12T14:14:06Z")
Maybe the ghost-poster _WAS_ his girlfriend, and this was her “Dear **Kel** ” letter. Of course, that \*\*Kel \*\* has a girlfriend is a pretty big presupposition to begin with. Oh, and I didn’t eat any homework either. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=4)