# He is my cousin you stupid bitch **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 11, 2005, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190 "2005-01-11T08:18:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/61 "2005-01-12T14:26:17Z")
Well, I’m confused. Should we still feel sorry for the **imposter Kel** for being cheated on? And will his imposter girlfriend get hit with a fake comet? .and how do we know that the OP was phony? Maybe the _phony_ **Kel** actually posted the request to lock the thread? ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/62 "2005-01-12T14:48:02Z")
Man, I miss one day of logging onto the Dope - \*one fucking day!! \* - and I have to come in on the tail end of a Kel Fucking Douchebag Varnishhead classic. That does it: I’m never turning my damn computer off again. Oh, and **astro** … > [@astro](#): > > my BSoMeter was clanging, buzzing, and then started making this weird foghorn noise I’d never heard before, when it suddenly exploded into a million pieces. The shrapnel almost took out my left nut. I laughed so hard at that, I coughed something up. ---
**Author:** ![Ass\_For\_A\_Hat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Ass\_For\_A\_Hat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ass_For_A_Hat)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/63 "2005-01-12T14:50:51Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > .and how do we know that the OP was phony? Maybe the _phony_ **Kel** actually posted the request to lock the thread? And how many of his other threads have been phonies? What with today’s modern advances in the area of cookies, I doubt that the computer would need to be left on the SDMB (or on at all) for the perpatrator to be able to come back and pose as **Kel**. Maybe it’s the nefarious **Karl** that’s been behind the crazy batshit threads all along. **Kel** , check your thread subscriptions! Some guy named **Karl** has been starting threads about killing, hitting and fucking children…all in your name! You should stop this guy before you get a bad reputation around here. My guess is that **Kel** lives alone. **Karl** is the imaginary monster that lives under the bed. ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/64 "2005-01-12T15:14:26Z")
Maybe eating the dog was the homework! Or maybe a comet flew by **Kel’s** house and the space dust jimmied his computer. Look for updates in the Weekly World News. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/65 "2005-01-12T15:21:24Z")
> [@samclem](#): > > Damn! I knew God was gonna get me for replying to this thread. :eek: Damn…a huge conspiracy among the homeless and plumbers would have been a whole lot more fun than a coding error. … Unless the Homeless/Plumbers Alliance of Eeeeevul (hereafter referred to as HoPAloE) CAUSED your mistake. \>_\> \<_\< ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/66 "2005-01-12T15:26:20Z")
I couldn’t decide between: > [@Good Egg](#): > > Maybe eating the dog was the homework! I eating your dog! and > [@Tengu](#): > > Unless the Homeless/Plumbers Alliance of Eeeeevul (hereafter referred to as HoPAloE) CAUSED your mistake. I, for one, welcome our new disenfranchised crack-showing overlords. So I went with both. You guys ain’t mad, are you? ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/67 "2005-01-12T15:32:23Z")
I used to say “Kel” and “me” Now it’s “us”, now it’s “we” I used to say “Karl” and “me” Now it’s “us”, now it’s “we” Kal, most people would turn you away I don’t listen to a word they say They don’t see you as I do I wish they would try to I’m sure they’d think again If they had a friend like Kal (a friend) Like Kel (like Kel) Like Karl ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/68 "2005-01-12T16:20:48Z")
…Blaaah. _hugs **Kel** anyways, exits thread_ ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/69 "2005-01-12T16:32:06Z")
> [@Uvula Donor](#): > > That does it: I’m never turning my damn computer off again. Does that mean tomorrow someone will gain access to your computer and post that your boyfriend is complaining on the internet about you screwing his cousin? Ohhh or that the boyfriend of the woman you are screwing is complaining on the internet about you screwing his girlfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/70 "2005-01-12T16:42:45Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > Why don’t you just staple your fingers together? Best.Advice.Ever. Plus it made me bust a gut laughing. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/71 "2005-01-12T19:05:23Z")
> [@Kel Varnsen - Latex Division](#): > > Please lock/delete this thread. Nothing in it true. I didn’t post it. I left my computer on with Straight Dope page open and someone thought it would be funny to post this. My cousin is not having an affair with my girlfriend. > > There is a story about why the person made up this story, but it boring and complicated so I won’t get into it. > > I will keep my computer locked from now on. This is the stupidest excuse yet in your abysmal posting history, **Kel**. You didn’t figure out that tossing a stink bomb then running wouldn’t work out after your last Pit fiasco? You know, your persistent stupidity provides some faint value in representing the other side, i.e. galloping ignorance, but you don’t seem to be educable. Last chance, **Kel**. Put one foot wrong and you’re gone. TVeblen Pit mod ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/72 "2005-01-12T19:14:03Z")
I don’t think you’re being fair, **TVeblen**. I’m sure **Kel** ’s made-up excuse for why someone else started this thread using his computer is much stupider than the made-up excuse for the thread itself. Plus, it’s boring and complicated. Just like **Kel**. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/73 "2005-01-12T19:40:24Z")
I’m dissapointed at you dopers, the OP was obviously a fake. Someone like **Kel** couldn’t possibly have ever had a girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/74 "2005-01-12T19:46:08Z")
Ya know, Bippy, there a lot of stupid women in the world. Some of them date people just like Kel. I’m more amazed that Kel claims to be 27. Just seems wrong somehow. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/75 "2005-01-12T19:46:20Z")
As someone who was going to respond to the OP before it was shown to be a hoax, I feel almost… trolled. Of course, any trolling that went on would be the responsibility of **Kel** ’s father/brother/sister/friend, or whoever posted. But I, for one, after having my time wasted by someone fishing for a response, would like the story. Come now, it shouldn’t be that hard. “My brother and I have some personal shit going down, and he decided to fuck with me.” “My friend is a real asshole and thought this would be a good joke.” “My dog has evolved super intelligence and attempted to impress me via posting.” ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/76 "2005-01-12T19:49:51Z")
> [@](#): > > I laughed so hard at that, I coughed something up. Is that a tonsil on your keyboard? Or an uvula? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/77 "2005-01-12T20:21:24Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > “My brother and I have some personal shit going down, and he decided to fuck with me.” Have you given no thought to the idea that maybe _Kel’s Mom_ doesn’t like him? Who else could imitate his style so well and know about the cousin’s drug problems? There was no denial about that in the retraction. I am curious as to who made up the storey, partly because it would be interesting to see if it is a friend, family member or coworker. So Kel, where’s you leave your computer? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/78 "2005-01-12T21:00:15Z")
Now that your first term is over, how are your grades, Kel? ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/79 "2005-01-12T21:09:10Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Best.Advice.Ever. > > Plus it made me bust a gut laughing. Given his views on incest, I should have added “all twelve of them”. ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/80 "2005-01-12T21:17:12Z")
> [@The Devil's Grandmother](#): > > I’m sorry we’ve disappointed you Harborwolf, but you might consider staying out of the Pit. There’s a number of people who would get this reaction. > > I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend, Kel. I know the pain she must be in to do things like this. I once dumped a nice man for a 19 year old boy. I can’t tell you how great 19 year olds are in bed. Firm for hours. If you could bottle that up and give it to the over-25 guys, there’d be a lot more happy women in the world. College boys are really the way to go. \ Of course, I never dated a drug user, so maybe it’s different for your ex. Try one of those scrawny marathon runners. If you can run 7 minute miles or better for 3 hours, you can keep it up for at least one. Of course, you have to start early in the evening, 'cause we get up so damn early to run. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=5)