# He is my cousin you stupid bitch **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 11, 2005, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190 "2005-01-11T08:18:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/101 "2005-01-13T17:10:43Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Plus, a sousaphone is heavy enough that you couldn’t huck it very far. It’s pretty much a melee weapon, whereas a cornet, or rather, a consort of them, you could get some pretty good distance on, so you could get several shots off before he closed to melee range, when the sousaphone would become the preferred weapon. > [@Mynn](#): > > I think it depends on the bearer - While you can huck either weapon, with its heavier weight, a stronger person might be able to get it where it is going with more distance. With practice, it could be an excellent ko in one hit. Close range was pretty much what I was picturing in my head at the time. But now I’m thinking, how hard would it be to spin around in a circle several times and throw the sousaphone, à la the hammer throw? Or, hire a couple guys in kilts, and do a caper toss with the sousaphones. More mass → more momentum → more pain. That’s why I’d want a sousaphone on my team. Maybe a couple trombones. You could **poke poke** with the slide. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/102 "2005-01-13T18:10:41Z")
Great, now I’ve got a mental image of two orchestras pitching a huge war in some big auditorium… :smack: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/103 "2005-01-13T18:26:06Z")
Well, he hasn’t been active on the SDMB in over a day and a half. Maybe we are catching a break. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/104 "2005-01-13T18:29:49Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Great, now I’ve got a mental image of two orchestras pitching a huge war in some big auditorium… :smack: 😃 What, you never heard of a Battle of the Bands? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/105 "2005-01-13T18:32:37Z")
[Austin Powers]Ouch, baby. Very ouch.[/Austin Powers] 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/106 "2005-01-13T18:42:29Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Well, he hasn’t been active on the SDMB in over a day and a half. Maybe we are catching a break. Maybe he can’t figure out how to unlock his computer. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/107 "2005-01-13T18:44:17Z")
> [@Lute Skywatcher](#): > > Maybe he can’t figure out how to unlock his computer. That’s a _bad_ thing? ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/108 "2005-01-13T18:47:13Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > That’s a _bad_ thing? I’m sure it is for someone. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2005, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/109 "2005-01-13T22:25:17Z")
> [@AwSnappity](#): > > > [@Ethilrist](#): > > > > Plus, a sousaphone is heavy enough that you couldn’t huck it very far. It’s pretty much a melee weapon, whereas a cornet, or rather, a consort of them, you could get some pretty good distance on, so you could get several shots off before he closed to melee range, when the sousaphone would become the preferred weapon. > > > [@Mynn](#): > > > > I think it depends on the bearer - While you can huck either weapon, with its heavier weight, a stronger person might be able to get it where it is going with more distance. With practice, it could be an excellent ko in one hit. > > Close range was pretty much what I was picturing in my head at the time. But now I’m thinking, how hard would it be to spin around in a circle several times and throw the sousaphone, à la the hammer throw? Or, hire a couple guys in kilts, and do a caper toss with the sousaphones. More mass → more momentum → more pain. That’s why I’d want a sousaphone on my team. Maybe a couple trombones. You could **poke poke** with the slide. Just roll the D20 already! for peter’s sake What _is_ the damage bonus on a sousaphone, anyways? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/110 "2005-01-14T01:13:57Z")
Perhaps a homeless woman came in off the street and posted using his name. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/111 "2005-01-14T08:58:58Z")
> [@Mynn](#): > > Once you start tossing coronets, you’ve got a lot of wind variables to contend with as well. It’s light enough to throw far, but if that bell gets caught by a gust of wind, you may have collateral damage you weren’t intending. On the contrary, coronets make excellent ranged weapons, especially with those sharp little points on them - the weight of the rubies tends to counteract any wind drift: they’re akin to what **Xena** used to throw. I didn’t know they came with bells, though: perhaps the gentle tinkling as they come scything through the air in an inexorable arc of death helps paralyse opponents with fear. Course, ya gotta get ‘em offa the duchesses first, and them ladies don’t go down easy, nosiree: one shot, one kill, that’s all ya got, ‘cos there ain’t nothin’ more dangerous than a wounded duchess with a coronet at stake chargin’ ya. For that kinda accuracy _and_ stoppin’ power yer lookin’ at a saxamaphone, minimum. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/112 "2005-01-14T14:02:31Z")
Meh, duchesses go down easy if you know how to handle a violin. You get the bow seated just right on the G string, and one good pluck will send it straight through the heart. Drops 'em like a fortepiano on the head. Me, I’ve got a cello and I’m not afraid to use it. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/113 "2005-01-14T14:17:00Z")
Duchesses go down easier after a few drinks, ya ask me. 😉 But you’re all off-base. As anyone who has watched the video for “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by the Darkness, power chords are capable of blowing up ginormous space-squids and are therefore probably just enough firepower to take down someone so vile and able to endure punishment as someone who was in a relationship with **Kel.** Debate welcome. But I still say you’re gonna need a lot more than just some brass and reeds to drop a beast like that. ---
**Author:** ![Ass\_For\_A\_Hat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Ass\_For\_A\_Hat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ass_For_A_Hat)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/114 "2005-01-14T14:30:24Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > …someone so vile and able to endure punishment as someone who was in a relationship with **Kel.** > > Debate welcome. But I still say you’re gonna need a lot more than just some brass and reeds to drop a beast like that. I think I’d go in go with a bassoon. Sure, you’d have to get in close, but you could apply a good ‘whack’ with it. Plus, based on the sound it makes when played, I have to think it makes an even funnier sound when you hit space mutants in the head with it. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/115 "2005-01-14T14:43:34Z")
This thread has turned into reason #204,782 to resubscribe to this message board. ---
**Author:** ![LibrarySpy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@LibrarySpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LibrarySpy)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/116 "2005-01-14T15:45:18Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Perhaps a homeless woman came in off the street and posted using his name. That was brilliant. I just nearly wet myself at work. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/117 "2005-01-14T15:53:19Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > But you’re all off-base. As anyone who has watched the video for “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by the Darkness, power chords are capable of blowing up ginormous space-squids and are therefore probably just enough firepower to take down someone so vile and able to endure punishment as someone who was in a relationship with **Kel.** > > Debate welcome. But I still say you’re gonna need a lot more than just some brass and reeds to drop a beast like that. Is Hotblack Desiato still dead right now, or is his year up? I’m sure his music would be destructive enough. ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/118 "2005-01-14T16:16:28Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > On the contrary, coronets make excellent ranged weapons, especially with those sharp little points on them - the weight of the rubies tends to counteract any wind drift: they’re akin to what **Xena** used to throw. I didn’t know they came with bells, though: perhaps the gentle tinkling as they come scything through the air in an inexorable arc of death helps paralyse opponents with fear. Isn’t there an old saw about casting pearls before swine? > [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > As anyone who has watched the video for “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by the Darkness, power chords are capable of blowing up ginormous space-squids For some reason, this reminded me that I originally thought Mister “Kiss from a Rose” was thinking about getting _kicked_ by a rose. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/119 "2005-01-14T17:06:10Z")
So how about those woodwinds? Could you take out a giant space mutant squid with an oboe or a crazed goat with a bassoon? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/120 "2005-01-14T17:24:53Z")
I’ve met very few goats in real life, but I have vivid recollections of Scylla’s posts about the goat he used to have on the farm. The one that fucked a chicken to death. So I’m thinking you might need more than a bassoon. According to [this dairy goat site](http://www.adga.org/facts.htm): “For large breed male goats, they are in average as follows: 1 month-25 lb., 3 months-55 lb., 6 months-85 lb., 9 months-110 lb., 12 months-130 lb., 18 months-155 lb., 24 months-170 lb., 36 months-205 lb. For smaller breeds and females, these standards are less, proportionate to the lesser adult body weight.” A Bassoon on the other hand is normally a little over four feet long, and not very pointy on either end. But I’m sure the [Bassoon Prime Device 110K](http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Usa/Tests/Rwbassn.jpg) could take out the giant space mutant squid \*and \* a crazed goat. :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=7)