# He is my cousin you stupid bitch **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 11, 2005, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190 "2005-01-11T08:18:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/121 "2005-01-14T17:28:30Z")
Wait, I’ve rethought my army. For the front line, we’re going to have trombones with bass bows tied on to the slides, as a sort of bayonet. (Why bass bows as opposed to violin bows? Because bass bows are shorter and wider, and would hold up better for poking.) Then we’re going to have the fife and drum corps, because every good army needs one of those (plus it fits in very well with the theme). Then the cornets, trumpets, and mellophones will advance. Next come the euphoniums; I think we’ll load those into trebuchets. And our last line of defence are the sousaphones. I wonder if Purdue University will let us use their [big bass drum](http://www.purdue.edu/BANDS/aamb/bbd.html)… something to consider. Plan B: Bagpipes. If you can’t beat 'em, deafen 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2005, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/122 "2005-01-14T17:53:59Z")
Bagpipes and accordions! Together, they will be unstoppable! _brandishes piano of death_ ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/123 "2005-01-15T02:13:14Z")
> [@AwSnappity](#): > > Wait, I’ve rethought my army. For the front line, we’re going to have trombones with bass bows tied on to the slides, as a sort of bayonet. (Why bass bows as opposed to violin bows? Because bass bows are shorter and wider, and would hold up better for poking.) Then we’re going to have the fife and drum corps, because every good army needs one of those (plus it fits in very well with the theme). Then the cornets, trumpets, and mellophones will advance. Next come the euphoniums; I think we’ll load those into trebuchets. And our last line of defence are the sousaphones. I wonder if Purdue University will let us use their [big bass drum](http://www.purdue.edu/BANDS/aamb/bbd.html)… something to consider. > > Plan B: Bagpipes. If you can’t beat 'em, deafen 'em. _sniff_ This is one of the most beautiful post that I’ve read in a long time. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2005, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/124 "2005-01-15T08:14:12Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > Meh, duchesses go down easy if you know how to handle a violin. You get the bow seated just right on the G string… I will have you know that scions of the nobility do _not_ wear G strings, especially in combat _that_ close. They clash with the ermine, for a start. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/125 "2005-01-19T13:28:43Z")
> [@AwSnappity](#): > > … Or, hire a couple guys in kilts, and do a **caper** toss with the sousaphones… > > _ **bolding mine** _ Did you mean hire a couple of Scots and do a [caber](http://www.kyscottishweekend.org/web_images/craigcaber.jpg) toss? Or did you actually intend to have Scots hurling small vinegar soaked peppercorn type condiments at the enemy? Either way I want to be on your side. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/126 "2005-01-19T13:31:29Z")
Awww, are we ever going to get the story from **Karl**? Come on, I’m sweeepy and can’t go to bed widdout my stooooorie! ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/127 "2005-01-19T14:10:56Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > Did you mean hire a couple of Scots and do a [caber](http://www.kyscottishweekend.org/web_images/craigcaber.jpg) toss? > > Or did you actually intend to have Scots hurling small vinegar soaked peppercorn type condiments at the enemy? > > Either way I want to be on your side. Heh, yep, caber’s what I meant. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/128 "2005-01-20T02:15:04Z")
Is there a record for how far a given thread can drift from the original subject matter? ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/129 "2005-01-20T10:24:02Z")
> [@CynicalGabe](#): > > Is there a record for how far a given thread can drift from the original subject matter? Is there a record for how much better a thread can get than the original subject matter? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/130 "2005-01-20T13:25:09Z")
[Kel Varnsen-Playtex edition] Mods - please close this thread because my mom said I have to go home and wash some milk bottles out.\* [/Kel Varnsen-Playtex edition] \*anybody else old enough to have had to do that particular chore? ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/131 "2005-01-20T14:29:03Z")
> [@BMalion](#): > > \*anybody else old enough to have had to do that particular chore? Yep! ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/132 "2005-01-20T14:43:37Z")
[geezer] You had milk bottles? All we had were rubber gloves with holes in the fingertips, and we had to attach them to the cows ourselves! Kids these days… [/geezer] ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/133 "2005-01-20T16:18:37Z")
and our milkman knew all us kid’s names and sometimes we’d get a little tiny carton of chocolate milk if we hung around the truck and said “hi!”. cheese, eggs, ice cream, eggnog, french-onion chip dip and milk delivered right to your home. Man, I miss Lawson’s Dairy. ---
**Author:** ![Zonyx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a183cd/32.png) [@Zonyx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zonyx)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/134 "2005-01-22T11:27:29Z")
> [@Mynn](#): > > For some reason, this reminded me that I originally thought Mister “Kiss from a Rose” was thinking about getting _kicked_ by a rose. Classic 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/135 "2005-01-22T16:37:20Z")
_sniff_ I love you guys. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/136 "2005-01-22T22:07:52Z")
> [@AwSnappity](#): > > > [@BMalion](#): > > > > Did you mean hire a couple of Scots and do a caber toss? > > > > Or did you actually intend to have Scots hurling small vinegar soaked peppercorn type condiments at the enemy? > > > > Either way I want to be on your side. > > Heh, yep, caber’s what I meant. Well, shoot. You lost my interest. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Twoflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/twoflower/32/22_2.png) [@Twoflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Twoflower)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/137 "2005-01-23T21:01:40Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > So how about those woodwinds? Could you take out a giant space mutant squid with an oboe or a crazed goat with a bassoon? Use the oboe as a spear-thrower & you get a lot more distance with the bassoon … 😃 ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2005, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/138 "2005-01-23T21:28:07Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > On the contrary, coronets make excellent ranged weapons, especially with those sharp little points on them - the weight of the rubies tends to counteract any wind drift I don’t know if Coronet would do that much damage if it landed on the girl, it’s soft, fluffy and 2-ply… … but Rosemary Clooney would fuck her up good! She’d flatten a entire city! _(Extra value is what you get / When you buy Coronet!)_ ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2005, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190/139 "2005-01-23T23:41:47Z")
Or you could wrap her up in Charmin and squeeze her to death. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-is-my-cousin-you-stupid-bitch/284190.md?page=6)