# "He’s Just Not That Into You" - Do ladies need to pay heed to this advice book? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 29, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882 "2004-10-29T17:28:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/1 "2004-10-29T17:28:53Z")
Real relationship wisdom for women, or just one more banal, common sense observation being marketed as ground breaking advice? ['He’s Just Not That Into You](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6355938/site/newsweek/) > [@](#): > > Two former ‘Sex and the City’ writers have touched a nerve with their best-selling book, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You,’ which examines the stomach-lurching truth behind male behavior > [@](#): > > You think that women already know this? > Tuccillo: I think women … can see it in their friends’ situations, that the guy’s maybe not into them but they’re trying to keep optimistic and hopeful and not hurt their friend’s feelings, but I think when it’s their own situation [women] are sometimes clueless. And sometimes I think they know and they just need someone to yell at them. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/2 "2004-10-29T18:18:29Z")
blah blah blah blah $11.95 please ---
**Author:** ![Jessity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/3 "2004-10-29T18:36:37Z")
Just one more banal, common sense observation being marketed as ground breaking advice. 🙂 > [@](#): > > And then you read that what we mean is, “Hey, you’re worthy of so much better, and if a guy is doing this, it doesn’t make him a bad guy, it just means he may not be interested.” No, really?! ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/4 "2004-10-29T18:45:29Z")
Hey, why would the ladies buy this book when they can get great relationship advice off the SDMB for free? Er, I mean for the low low price of $14.95? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/5 "2004-10-29T18:52:11Z")
I’d rather they wrote a book for the _guys_ who don’t have a clue, “_She’s_ Just Not That Into You.” > [@](#): > > We’re just giving women permission to stop what they know deep, deep down is bad for them. The authors of this book seem to have gone in with that stupid cliche, “all women like assholes.” Oh, and most of us are too stupid to figure out we deserve better. Right. > [@](#): > > You don’t see men at bars sitting around saying, “Can I play her voice mail for you so you can tell me by the tone of her voice if she likes me?” Oh, please. I’ve never seen women do this either… maybe high school girls though. :rolleyes: Verdict: I’m not going to waste my money. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/6 "2004-10-29T18:55:23Z")
I think this is a great line from the interview. > [@](#): > > Greg, you say that before you met your wife you were guilty of giving lame excuses to women that you dated. Are you saying that badly behaved men just need to meet the right woman? > Behrendt: Yeah. I was really complicated until I met my wife. [Laughs.] I quickly became uncomplicated because I was like, “Oh yeah, don’t blow this, don’t be complicated.” I know exactly what he means. When you don’t like a woman, you are complicated. You’re always thinking about how to get away from her without hurting her feelings. You might just stop calling. You might say one thing, but “voice it” another. In her view you “string her along” when you’re really trying to avoid a conflict. You are complicated. If women understood that this kind of reluctancy meant “I’m just not that into you.” it would save everyone a whole lot of trouble. Of course, the funny thing about the “Sex and in City” episode was that the guy who was giving excuses and was presumably “just not that into” Miranda ended up having diarrhea and that’s why he was behaving funny. Anyway, IMHO, this might be “banal, common sense observation being marketed as ground breaking advice” but it’s “banal, common sense observation being marketed as ground breaking advice” that a lot of women don’t seem to understand. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/7 "2004-10-29T18:56:37Z")
No, it’s not that ground-breaking. I think more useful would be a book targeted at guys: _Just Fucking Say What You Mean, Already_. So many guys, both gay and straight, and for that matter a lot of women too, just think it’s better to let things peter out so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. When really, it’s just being a total non-confrontational puss and stringing people along. You get somebody crushing on you, _you_ have the responsibility to make it clear that you’re just not into the other person. You don’t just break off contact and leave her/him to figure out what’s going on. Me? Bitter? Never. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/8 "2004-10-29T18:58:36Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > No, it’s not that ground-breaking. I think more useful would be a book targeted at guys: _Just Fucking Say What You Mean, Already_. So many guys, both gay and straight, and for that matter a lot of women too, just think it’s better to let things peter out so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. When really, it’s just being a total non-confrontational puss and stringing people along. > > You get somebody crushing on you, _you_ have the responsibility to make it clear that you’re just not into the other person. You don’t just break off contact and leave her/him to figure out what’s going on. > > Me? Bitter? Never. Well, now you know **SolGrundy**. . .he’s just not that into you. No more confusion. This book is a godsend for men, as long as women heed the lesson. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/9 "2004-10-29T19:03:01Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > Well, now you know **SolGrundy**. . .he’s just not that into you. > > No more confusion. The whole point is I could’ve known a _lot_ sooner, with a lot less stressing out about it and a lot more being happy and finding somebody better, if he’d just come out at the beginning and said what was going on, instead of just leaving me to figure it all out for myself. In other words, if he’d been a man instead of being such a wuss. When I’ve had people who were more into me than I was into them, I made a point to say as much as soon as I realized it. And it’s been really, really difficult and uncomfortable for me to say it, but I _owed_ it to the other person. You’re (general you) not doing anybody a favor by “sparing her feelings;” it just makes it worse, and it’s selfish, because you’ve already decided how you want the relationship to go and don’t want to bother with making it clear on both sides. If women are having to go out and buy books to figure this out, the problem is _not_ with the women’s being dense. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/10 "2004-10-29T19:07:06Z")
Right. Men can’t be shy. They can’t be conflicted. All that goes away when they meet someone they’re “into.” Brilliant. :rolleyes: The book sounds to be more sexist, harmful, and dishonest than banal. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/11 "2004-10-29T19:08:23Z")
The problem is when you tell a woman that you don’t want to see her anymore, it opens up a bag of shit. For one: crying. For two: endless explanations of _why_ you’re not into her. As if the default should be “I’m into you” and you need a list of things you did wrong, and all the things I like and dislike to need a reason to break up with you. For three: asking for another chance. When women stop hounding us over a break-up, maybe we’ll be better at breaking up. Until then, you need to realize when the guy starts getting luke warm, he’s just not that into you. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/12 "2004-10-29T19:08:41Z")
When time travel is invented, I will go back and hand-deliver this book to several of my past selves just for the title alone. The actual contents don’t really matter. But knowing me, I wouldn’t get the message anyway. Bah. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/13 "2004-10-29T19:10:56Z")
> [@js\_africanus](#): > > Right. Men can’t be shy. They can’t be conflicted. All that goes away when they meet someone they’re “into.” Brilliant. :rolleyes: > > The book sounds to be more sexist, harmful, and dishonest than banal. Sounds sexist, helpful, and honest, to me. ---
**Author:** ![Jessity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/14 "2004-10-29T19:12:03Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > The whole point is I could’ve known a _lot_ sooner, with a lot less stressing out about it and a lot more being happy and finding somebody better, if he’d just come out at the beginning and said what was going on, instead of just leaving me to figure it all out for myself. > > In other words, if he’d been a man instead of being such a wuss. When I’ve had people who were more into me than I was into them, I made a point to say as much as soon as I realized it. And it’s been really, really difficult and uncomfortable for me to say it, but I _owed_ it to the other person. > > You’re (general you) not doing anybody a favor by “sparing her feelings;” it just makes it worse, and it’s selfish, because you’ve already decided how you want the relationship to go and don’t want to bother with making it clear on both sides. > > If women are having to go out and buy books to figure this out, the problem is _not_ with the women’s being dense. Ayup. I tend to think someone’s much less of an ass if he just makes his feelings known. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/15 "2004-10-29T19:16:07Z")
> [@Jessity](#): > > Ayup. > > I tend to think someone’s much less of an ass if he just makes his feelings known. All right. Then next time a guy starts to say, “you know, I think we should maybe see less of each other” then your response will be, “OK. Bye. Maybe call me if you change your mind.” Period. Nothing more. End of breakup. Deal? ---
**Author:** ![NicePete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee7513/32.png) [@NicePete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NicePete)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/16 "2004-10-29T19:30:31Z")
I’m going to write a relationship book like this. I’ll call it: _All We Want is the Sex_. If it’s sucessful, I’ll follow up with _Shut Up, I’m Watching the Football Game_. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/17 "2004-10-29T19:33:14Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > The problem is when you tell a woman that you don’t want to see her anymore, it opens up a bag of shit. > > For one: crying. > > For two: endless explanations of _why_ you’re not into her. As if the default should be “I’m into you” and you need a list of things you did wrong, and all the things I like and dislike to need a reason to break up with you. > > For three: asking for another chance. > > When women stop hounding us over a break-up, maybe we’ll be better at breaking up. > > Until then, you need to realize when the guy starts getting luke warm, he’s just not that into you. I don’t think I’ve ever broken up with a guy who didn’t do all three of those things. I’m not saying women don’t do them, too. Maybe lots of people need to read this book. (I’m female, and anyone who broke up with me never knew I gave a damn. I do my crying in private, thank you!) ---
**Author:** ![Jessity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/18 "2004-10-29T19:37:30Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > All right. Then next time a guy starts to say, “you know, I think we should maybe see less of each other” then your response will be, “OK. Bye. Maybe call me if you change your mind.” > > Period. > > Nothing more. > > End of breakup. > > Deal? Hmm, sure. But are we talking serious, long-time relationship breakups or just after a couple dates saying, “I"m just not that into you.” In the first, I think most people (male AND female) would want an explanation of some sort, in the second, not so much. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/19 "2004-10-29T20:26:37Z")
e.g. The notion that he trusts and repects yoiur need to be independant actually means he ignores you and takes you for granted. ---
**Author:** ![zephyrine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/35a633/32.png) [@zephyrine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zephyrine)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882/20 "2004-10-29T20:40:45Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > All right. Then next time a guy starts to say, “you know, I think we should maybe see less of each other” then your response will be, “OK. Bye. Maybe call me if you change your mind.” > > Period. > > Nothing more. > > End of breakup. > > Deal? Deal. I really don’t have a problem with that. I DO have a problem with men who can’t say what they feel because, despite all evidence to the contrary in my case, they think all women are delicate little flowers who can’t handle the truth. Goddamit, I’ll tell YOU if I’m not that into you, just tell ME, OK? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-do-ladies-need-to-pay-heed-to-this-advice-book/271882.md?page=2)