# He said I could list him as a reference, but I've lost faith in him **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 21, 2004, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231 "2004-04-21T15:50:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/1 "2004-04-21T15:50:01Z")
I want to be as vague as possible, as you can probably understand. I guess my question is this: If someone says I can use him as a reference, but I eventually begin to wonder if he will actually say positive things about me, what’s the right way to bring it up with him? I don’t want to insult him, but I’ve obviously got to have references I believe it. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/2 "2004-04-21T16:30:04Z")
Well, you could have someone call him pretending to be a potential employer and see what he tells them. Or if you have other references who aren’t in doubt you can stop giving his name at all. I don’t think there is any good way to bring it up to him. If he’s not saying good things about you then what’s the likelihood he’s going to tell you the truth if you ask? And if he is saying good things then by questioning him you’re straining that trust and endangering the reference. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/3 "2004-04-21T16:35:06Z")
Why do you have to bring it up? My real references haven’t gotten any calls - lots of places never call them. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/4 "2004-04-21T17:22:03Z")
We do call all references. I don’t know what to tell you, except that maybe it would better not to use him… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/5 "2004-04-21T17:43:34Z")
My references are called frequently too. I agree with **Otto** - you need to have someone check him, or forget him. You can’t risk jobs over an uncertain reference. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/6 "2004-04-21T17:53:47Z")
If you don’t want to make an issue of it, simply say “thank you for offering, I appreciate it,” and replace that person’s name with someone else. If it really bugs you, and you HAVE to know, I second what **featherlou** and **Otto** suggested. Have a friend call as a prospective employer, and find out what he’s saying. If nothing else, you’ll know whether or not he’s the reason you’ve been getting turned down. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-said-i-could-list-him-as-a-reference-but-ive-lost-faith-in-him/241231/7 "2004-04-21T19:11:59Z")
I just contacted someone else at the same company. She said she’d be happy to serve as a reference. So, given the advice I’ve gotten here, I think I’ll just take him off my resume and put her on, and not bother talking to him.