# He Thinks \*I\* Am Not Good Enough For \*Him\*?? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 16, 2009, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636 "2009-08-16T17:39:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/1 "2009-08-16T17:39:31Z")
So I recently encountered a man through an online personals site. I’ll call him “David”, because that’s his name. David and I exchanged a few emails, and then spoke on the phone a few times. We seemed to have a lot in common and shared similar senses of humor and goals in life. We made a plan to meet, wherein we had a lovely dinner and drinks at In-n-Out Burger. We sat outside in the dusk, with monsoonal action, at a wet concrete picnic table. There were no seats available inside. Now you’d think after 2 or 3 years of having an In-n-Out, we’d be sated with it somewhat and it wouldn’t be slam-full still at all hours of the day and night, but whatever. Anyway, I could tell right away that David was not into me after meeting. No eye contact, no questions about me, no interest in my life, nothing. Okay, fine- this one’s a dud, no biggie. No harm no foul, no problem, no offense, see ya later. But something about him kept niggling at me. Several things, actually. One- his first email to me included the salutation, “Say now”. Now, I’m pretty street smart for a woman of my demographic. I did not just tumble off the turnip truck- in fact, I’ve never even _been_ on a turnip truck. I know that the phrases “hey now” and “say now” are used all day long in prisons. It becomes something that all the prisoners say as greetings to each other and whatnot. I don’t know this because I’ve been in prison myself- I have not- but I just happen to know this trivia. Also, his timeline/story of himself didn’t quite match up. He was very vague about what he’s been doing these past several years, although he did indicate that he used to drink and drug big-time and that he’s had hepatitis C 3 times, always cured with Interferon. He did, however, say that he was last in Victorville, CA prior to coming home to Tucson, to live with his elderly parents. Plus he just looks like he’s been in prison- you really can tell most of the time, I learned this from dating a cop. He also has a ton of health problems, mostly with his back and leg, requiring multiple surgeries, doctors, physical therapy, etc. His uuper body is mega-built, and his legs scrawny and spindly (another sign of prison time). So, anyway, we went through the “date”, ate, came back to my house for 15 minutes or so of idle chit-chat, and he left. I did some online research, and learned that his middle name is Howard and he got out of Victorville Federal Prison in 2007. He has not attempted to call or email me. I knew he wouldn’t- I could totally tell during the date that he wasn’t into me and was clearly biding his time until he could scram. Which was fine- by now I’d learned enough about him that I was no longer interested either. But still. What the hell? So _he \* thinks that_ I\* am not good enough for _him_? I’m a slender, intelligent, employed, decent-looking, responsible, funny, self-sufficient woman that has it all together. I’m a catch, goddammit! Anybody would be\* lucky\* to have me, and this ex-con, druggie/alcoholic, unemployed, health-problemed, hepatitic loser that lives with mom and dad thinks that he can do better! What is he expecting, Miss Fucking America?? Plus, he lied in his personal ad and said that he is 41, when he is actually 49 and looks it and more. I’m not pissed, really- I didn’t want him anyway. I do thinks it’s funny and ironic, though. It’s also a good lesson, ladies and gentlemen- be sure to really listen to people, because 99% of the time, they will tell you things about themselves that they may not mean to tell you. You just have to listen, and use the info gathered to your advantage. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/2 "2009-08-16T17:50:33Z")
It might be just that there was no spark for him, not that you don’t meet his standards in some way. Maybe you just don’t do it for him, for whatever reason. In any case, don’t worry about it, and find someone else. Or get a cat or three. ---
**Author:** ![Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rascal_s_Mom)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/3 "2009-08-16T17:54:23Z")
I guess I’d see this as him realizing that YOU are too good for HIM. It’s hard to know why this stuff happens. I had a blind date Friday night as well that won’t progress. It was mutual, though I don’t know if he realizes that. He talked through the entire meal about himself and his travels. Which are interesting stories, but he didn’t ask me one question about myself. :rolleyes: The food was good anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/4 "2009-08-16T17:59:57Z")
What on earth possessed you to take him back to your house if you suspected he was an ex-con? I also think you might be taking his apparent lack of interest the wrong way. It might have nothing to do with your physical attractiveness or whatever. It could easily be that he sized you up as not being an easy mark for exploitation. It could well be the issue is not that he thinks you’re “not good enough,” but that you don’t appear _vulnerable_ enough. If you don’t come across as someone who would be susceptible to manipulation or control, he’ll move on to the next fish (and chances are he’s got others on the line besides you). There’s also a good chance, given what you say about his medical history, that he’s got an addiction to painkillers, and that’s something that can deaden libido and romantic interest in general. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/5 "2009-08-16T18:07:46Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > What on earth possessed you to take him back to your house if you suspected he was an ex-con? As long as the second amendment remains in effect, I’m not scared of him. I’ve never really been the type to be afraid of men. I know self-defense, I’m strong, and I have my friend Smith and his buddy Wesson. Plus I carry myself in a way that makes most not want to mess with me. That’s what ten-plus years of being a single mom will do to you. My philosophy is if you think you can, you better bring it. He didn’t seem like he is still in that lifestyle- he gives off the vibe of being out of all that drama, being sober and responsible now. Of course, he is getting old and his body doesn’t work that well. He really seems to be looking for a regular girlfriend, to live a regular life with. So it’s hard to for me to think that he’s looking for a victim and found me wanting in that regard, but it’s possible. ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/6 "2009-08-16T18:09:35Z")
Hey, you _did_ obviously have a non-zero level of interest in _him_. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/7 "2009-08-16T18:12:03Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Or get a cat or three. I have two cats and they are great company. However, I find that they are not very good in bed- all that fur flying, and hissing and clawing. It’s very distracting. > [@](#): > > Hey, you did obviously have a non-zero level of interest in him. I know- like I said, I’m not pissed or anything. I just found it kind of funny. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/8 "2009-08-16T18:13:44Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I know that the phrases “hey now” and “say now” are used all day long in prisons. It becomes something that all the prisoners say as greetings to each other and whatnot. I _knew_ that there was something shady about [Hank Kingsley](http://www.maximumfun.org/blog/uploaded_images/arrested-jeffrey-tambor4-705281.jpg)! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/9 "2009-08-16T18:18:55Z")
> [@Rascal\_s\_Mom](#): > > Which are interesting stories, but he didn’t ask me one question about myself. Don’t you hate that? Hey, fucker, I’m interesting, too, if you’d give me a chance to speak! I read an article by that matchmaker chick that has her own show the other day, and she says that on the first date, the woman should say 1 thing to every 3 things the man says, and shouldn’t really talk about herself at all, but mostly about him and asking him questions. So maybe most men are like this at first? But if we get into relationships with them, we women of course end up doing most of the talking, about ourselves, in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/10 "2009-08-16T18:32:55Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > …she says that on the first date, the woman should say 1 thing to every 3 things the man says, and shouldn’t really talk about herself at all, but mostly about him and asking him questions. Wait, _what?_ Was she talking about dating, or Rogerian analysis? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/11 "2009-08-16T18:34:29Z")
“Hey Now” is also a greeting used by Deadheads. One could argue that lots of Deadheads have been to prison to explain this but it’s actually a lyric from one of the Dead’s most popular covers. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/12 "2009-08-16T18:36:05Z")
> [@Larry\_Mudd](#): > > Wait, _what?_ > > Was she talking about dating, or Rogerian analysis? [Here](http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleglamourmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=19844962>1=32023) is the article. It does kind of make sense, but of course tons of people will be clamoring that her advice is to “play games” and they don’t like that and blah blah blah. ---
**Author:** ![Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enter_the_Flagon)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/13 "2009-08-16T18:49:40Z")
Alice, (to echo what another poster said) please don’t assume that this man thinks that he’s somehow too good for you. Romantic interest doesn’t work that way. You can’t consciously choose who you’re attracted to, any more than you can choose to start liking a food that you’ve never been partial to. You’re doing yourself a disservice by taking this too personally, IMO. Don’t. You sound like a serious catch, so just try to think of this as a pitstop on the road to your next relationship (or, if you prefer, substitute some other crappy metaphor ;)). ---
**Author:** ![fuzzypickles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9d8465/32.png) [@fuzzypickles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fuzzypickles)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/14 "2009-08-16T18:53:56Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I did some online research, and learned that his middle name is Howard and he got out of Victorville Federal Prison in 2007. > > He has not attempted to call or email me. I knew he wouldn’t- I could totally tell during the date that he wasn’t into me and was clearly biding his time until he could scram. Which was fine- by now I’d learned enough about him that I was no longer interested either. But still. What the hell? So _he \* thinks that_ I\* am not good enough for _him_? I’m a slender, intelligent, employed, decent-looking, responsible, funny, self-sufficient woman that has it all together. I’m a catch, goddammit! Let me get this straight…this guy’s an ex-con, a former drug addict, and the best he could muster for a first “date” was at a cheap (albeit tasty) fast food restaurant. And you’re complaining that he took no interest in you??? Damn, woman! Sounds to me like you got off easy – relationships with men like that _never_ end well. This “David” fellow sounds like he could be some sort of psychic vampire. You’re lucky he didn’t end up stalking you or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/15 "2009-08-16T19:40:47Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > “Hey Now” is also a greeting used by Deadheads. One could argue that lots of Deadheads have been to prison to explain this but it’s actually a lyric from one of the Dead’s most popular covers. This was the first thing I thought when reading the thread… Hey Now is a common hipster greeting among both Deadheads and devotees of New Orleans’ music, taken from the iconic Mardi Gras Indian chant/song “Iko Iko” I dont know much about prison lingo, but dont imagine too much overlap between ex-cons and music lovers (though I am sure there some that fit both catagories) ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/16 "2009-08-16T19:56:20Z")
This had me wondering, if he’s so far beneath you, why: [ol] [li]You took him back to your apartment, even though you’d well-established that neither of you was interested. Why not a polite “Yeah, I’m not feeling it either, good luck to you,” right after your burger?[/li][li]He’s still occupying this much of your mental real estate, this long after the fact. I can’t see how this merits a whole lot more than a shrug and a “who’s next?”[/li][/ol] In short, I can’t figure out why you’re offended that he didn’t want you, when you didn’t want him anyway. I’d be grateful for how the mutual lack of spark makes things so much simpler; would you prefer he be begging you not to go? ---
**Author:** ![smee\_goan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@smee\_goan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smee_goan)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/17 "2009-08-16T20:21:23Z")
Dave have a lot of ‘ink’? tats 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/18 "2009-08-16T20:38:15Z")
You got lucky, he was a serial killer who did not choose you as a victim. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/19 "2009-08-16T20:41:52Z")
Hey now and say now are prison lingo? Who knew? I have used both upon occasion and will continue to do so. I’m never been near a prison, in any capacity… I always thought that “say now” was a leader in a sentence that would either pose a probing question or relay that the speaker has more smarts than was assumed. Examples: “Say now, how exactly does one decide to continue a date that clearly has no future?” or “Say now, I do believe you are trying to sell me some land in Florida. No thanks and good day.” I use hey now in regular conversation. Someone at work will say something sarcastic about the amount of work expected vs the amount that is reasonable and I’ll say "hey now, don’t go getting all rational on us. That way lies madness. I don’t claim to be the office wit, but who knew I was telling all and sundry that I had done time. I don’t understand what you’re so upset about. At minimum, (say now…) he seems to be a bit high maintenance, aka he has lots of problems. You’re well out of it. And (hey now…) he has done his time; there is no need to continue to beat on him. You didn’t get. End of story. Would you prefer that you were unfailingly attractive to ex-cons meeting his description? ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/20 "2009-08-16T21:04:09Z")
I’ve been there, in that feeling where you don’t even like the guy but dammit you just want somebody to want you. That’s what I think you mean anyway? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636.md?page=2)