# He Thinks \*I\* Am Not Good Enough For \*Him\*?? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 16, 2009, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636 "2009-08-16T17:39:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/61 "2009-08-17T14:52:39Z")
> [@mecaenas](#): > > I must admit that it seems to me to be quite cruel for women to want men to desire them specifically in situations where the women don’t desire the men. In fact, it sounds an awful lot like wanting to have power or a feeling of superiority over others. It’s not that, at all. It’s more a sense that, “If even this sad-sack doesn’t fancy me, then I must truly be the bottom of the dating barrel.” It’s quite one thing to have a guy you know you don’t have a chance with reject you…you can understand that, as you place yourself along the imaginary food-chain…someone really cool and employed and smart and funny…but when someone you think is worse off than you takes one look and says (not out loud, obviously) “nah, I don’t see anything remotely redeeming in this chick” you tend to need to lick your wounds a bit, even when your brain is saying “I don’t ever want to see this person again, thank goodness I’ll never have to.” Except…in line, at the 24-hour post office, where he’s got his out-of-control kid with him, and you hope he doesn’t turn around and recognize you, but he does… ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/62 "2009-08-17T15:32:12Z")
> [@mecaenas](#): > > I must admit that it seems to me to be quite cruel for women to want men to desire them specifically in situations where the women don’t desire the men. In fact, it sounds an awful lot like wanting to have power or a feeling of superiority over others. Word. If I were on a first date, and I got even a _hint_ of that kind of vibe from the woman, I’d assume she was a total headcase and wrap things up as quickly as possible. Could you imagine the response if I posted something like: “I’m an attractive, healthy, funny, successful business professional with a cool car, plenty of disposable income, and a desire to eventually to raise a family. I went out on a date with a woman who’s probably a 6 (I normally date 8’s and above), and has a GED (I usually prefer women with at least some college education.) By all rights, this chick should have been angling to have my babies _that very evening_, but she didn’t seem all that in to me. What gives?” ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/63 "2009-08-17T15:57:35Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Word. If I were on a first date, and I got even a _hint_ of that kind of vibe from the woman, I’d assume she was a total headcase and wrap things up as quickly as possible. > > Could you imagine the response if I posted something like: “I’m an attractive, healthy, funny, successful business professional with a cool car, plenty of disposable income, and a desire to eventually to raise a family. I went out on a date with a woman who’s probably a 6 (I normally date 8’s and above), and has a GED (I usually prefer women with at least some college education.) By all rights, this chick should have been angling to have my babies _that very evening_, but she didn’t seem all that in to me. What gives?” [Yeah](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=486136&highlight=nice+guys), [I can](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=487511&highlight=nice+guys). It appears to be the same thing that is happening here, really. ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/64 "2009-08-17T16:08:55Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > \ > So _he \* thinks that_ I\* am not good enough for _him_? I’m a slender, intelligent, employed, decent-looking, responsible, funny, self-sufficient woman that has it all together. I’m a catch, goddammit! How you _doin_? > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > \ > _Anybody would be lucky_ to have me, and this\*\*: > **ex-con** ,: I’m not. > **druggie/alcoholic** ,: I do/did “say no to drugs” but I like my beer. > **unemployed, health-problemed, hepatitic loser** : is that multiple-part trait or 3 separate traits: health-problemed (No), hepatitic (no), loser (sometimes). > **that lives with mom and dad** : I don’t. > **thinks that he can do better! What is he expecting, Miss Fucking America??** I never considered winning a beauty contest a dating prerequisite. > But maybe this was another 3-parter? > **Miss** : Well I don’t mess around with spoken-for women (unless they bring a note from the Mr) so being “unspoken for” matters to me. > **Fucking** : I would hope that might be mutually desired and happen after the relationship developed. > **America** (n): Being a US citizen is not necessary but being in the country legally is required. > **Plus, he lied in his personal ad and said that he is 41, when he is actually 49 and looks it and more**.: I’m 39 + 156 months (that’s 52 + 2 months in human years, right?) and may look it and more due to my beard being white. I have never lied in a personal ad that I have responded to (I’ve never placed a personal ad). I am not now nor have I ever been “_the_ David” or a “David.” > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I have two cats and they are great company. However, I find that they are not very good in bed- all that fur flying, and hissing and clawing. It’s very distracting. > \. I don’t know that I’m good in bed but might volunteer for a clinical test (and don’t require compensation for time and travel). I don’t recall my fur flying or hissing and clawing but maybe I haven’t met the right woman and I am might be open to new experiences. Originally Posted by astro Why do you find his rejection of you so stunning? It takes a certain kind of man to handle you, and he quickly determined he was not that man. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Not stunned, just slightly piqued. And yes, it does. I only handle women when it she clearly indicated that I am the certain kind of man she desires/wants/wishes to be handled by. And I like piquing a woman’s curiosity. > [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Say now, did you bring your gun on the first date? I gotta say, that would be a big downer for me and my libido. Hey Now, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to spend time with a Pistol Packin’ Mama. Plus it shows she has experience with things that might go off _(wink, wink, nudge nudge_) It could cause confusion if “Whip it out!” was yelled. So **Alice the Goon** , in the interests of letting you achieving a cosmic “I’m not good enough for him?”/“I’m too good for him” balance, I’ll give you the opportunity to say to me (as a representative of the males of the world [or at least Tucson]) that you are too good for me, to my face even. It could make a good “She Said, He Said” thread. Since we are in the same town, I propose meeting at a coffee house some evening, emails and phone conversations first as you wish. We arrive separately, chat for an hour or so, I’ll insist on paying, as we leave you can say 'Well, I’m just not into you", I’ll wish you good luck and watch from a safe distance as you go to your car and drive off (feel free to bring your S&W). Game? I reserve the right to mutter under my breath “She doesn’t know what she missed out on.”😉 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/65 "2009-08-17T16:11:12Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > …(I normally date 8’s and above Everyone does. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/66 "2009-08-17T16:15:09Z")
Well, obviously I sympathise with the OP. I had a similar experience back in '01 - I turned out for a cricket team a couple of times and after not being trusted to either bat or bowl for them I was itching for them to call me up a third time just so I could tell them to fuck off, but they didn’t, so I was deprived of the pleasure. It’s frustrating. There are times when you want to make it clear it’s _you_ who’s saying no. Still, dear OP, I’m guessing you never wanted to see him again, and he saved you the trouble of having to tell him so, and let’s face it, if he’d asked you out again and didn’t take your No for a No straight off, you’d likely have been just as outraged, and I’m figuring the way he erred was not the worse of the two, at that, especially what with being an ex-con and all that. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/67 "2009-08-17T16:21:41Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > on the first date, the woman should say 1 thing to every 3 things the man says. Can that one thing be “Goodbye?” ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/68 "2009-08-17T16:34:43Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > [Yeah](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=486136&highlight=nice+guys), [I can](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=487511&highlight=nice+guys). It appears to be the same thing that is happening here, really. Oh man, I’d forgotten about the makeup thread. Good times. Though the vibe I’m picking up from **Alice** is a bit different than Nice Girl. I know a few ladies who are so **FANTASTIC** in everything they do that some guys find it off-putting in one way or another. Personally, I like drinking with them, because they’re usually hilarious, and they’re an excellent source of fixups (because they inevitably have a gaggle of not-quite-so-Carrie-Bradshaw friends hanging around), but they’re not what I look for in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/69 "2009-08-17T17:03:36Z")
I know a fantastic woman – beautiful, smart (has her Ph.D.), personable, outgoing, friendly, funny, generous, caring, patient – basically has all the amazing qualities you could possibly ask for in a woman. If I were male I would’ve asked her out in about half a second. I would never have dreamed that she didn’t have men falling all over her, all the time-- but in fact she had a way harder time finding an interested guy than a lot of other women I know who had a lot less in the way of awesome qualities. Guys were intimidated by her, I guess. I think this is weird, but I guess guys can think like that. (Anyway, she eventually found an awesome man who didn’t care that she had more schooling than he did, and they have one of the most wonderful families I know.) ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/70 "2009-08-17T17:19:58Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Wasn’t “hey now” also a Howard Stern thing? Hey now, hey now Dont dream its over Hey now, hey now When the world comes in They come, they come To build a wall between us We know they wont win Crowded House, “Don’t Dream It’s Over” ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/71 "2009-08-17T17:39:50Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > [Yeah](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=486136&highlight=nice+guys), [I can](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=487511&highlight=nice+guys). It appears to be the same thing that is happening here, really. And for additional examples, see any of the online dating threads where men wonder way they don’t get a reply to every email they send and women explain that they tried responding with a polite “thanks but no thanks” but got told “I didn’t like you anyway, you’re fat and ugly and stupid, so naah!” or something equally suave. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/72 "2009-08-17T17:53:00Z")
Maybe he just didn’t think you were hot. Sheesh! You should totally go for a coffee with **dbaFred**. Then he can report back on what’s wrong with you. J/K. But still, go meet Fred. He’s a good egg. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/73 "2009-08-17T17:59:52Z")
Hey now, hey now My boyfriend’s back… ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/74 "2009-08-17T19:18:16Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Now you’d think after 2 or 3 years of having an In-n-Out, we’d be sated with it somewhat and it wouldn’t be slam-full still at all hours of the day and night, but whatever. Heh, heh. That’s hot. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/75 "2009-08-17T19:42:36Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > And for additional examples, see any of the online dating threads where men wonder way they don’t get a reply to every email they send and women explain that they tried responding with a polite “thanks but no thanks” but got told “I didn’t like you anyway, you’re fat and ugly and stupid, so naah!” or something equally suave. Yup. Whereas here, all we have is someone upset that the unsatisfactory suitor didn’t call her so she could tell him how unsatisfactory he was. You’d think he’d have jumped at the chance, really. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/76 "2009-08-17T19:50:35Z")
From my perspective, I think women aren’t used to get dumped nearly as much as guys are. Might not be ATG’s case, but if a woman tends to wait for guys to ask her out rather than ask guys out herself, she is avoiding the possibility that a guy she’s interested in will reject her. Not so for the guy, who has to be more proactive (at least in internet dating, from what I’ve observed). I think to have a healthy attitude about internet dating, a guy has to realistically expect to get rejected/passed up/dumped a few times before he finds Ms. Right. I noticed that in a few, purely anecdotal situations where the woman gets put in the guy’s shoes, and faces the same kind of rejection, they take it a lot more personally, probably because they’re not used to it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/77 "2009-08-17T19:56:44Z")
I don’t think it’s _that_ odd a feeling, to be offended when someone you don’t like doesn’t like you. Ever had someone you’re not interested crush on you, only to get bored and find someone else s/he likes more? Did it make you feel a bit bad before you reminded yourself you weren’t even interested? Or how about when your ex hooks up with someone after your relationship ends – do you feel better if it’s someone ‘worse’ than you (less attractive, crappier job)? Ever ‘settled’ for someone only to find they don’t much care for a pity date? Regardless, if the OP was suspicious or uninterested, isn’t it better that the guy caught on? Plus I hear Hank has some issues with relationships (though he is packing). ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2009, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/78 "2009-08-17T20:12:54Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Ever had someone you’re not interested crush on you, only to get bored and find someone else s/he likes more? Did it make you feel a bit bad before you reminded yourself you weren’t even interested? Nope and nope. If I’m the object of a crush, and it’s not mutual, I’m more relieved than anything else when the former suitor finds a new object for her affections. Unrequited love is usually creepy. I don’t value myself based on what other people think of me. > [@](#): > > Or how about when your ex hooks up with someone after your relationship ends – do you feel better if it’s someone ‘worse’ than you (less attractive, crappier job)? Nope. Nor would I feel worse if the new dude were “better.” Though there may be some heartache about the breakup itself, who they choose to date afterward is none of my business. It helps that I’m pretty happy with who I am, so I don’t feel compelled to compare myself to other people. > [@](#): > > Ever ‘settled’ for someone only to find they don’t much care for a pity date? “Settled?” _Hell_ no. I’ve taken a chance on dates that I wasn’t sure about, but it was never about pity. That’s just a recipe for making them feel awful, and me feel like an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/79 "2009-08-18T01:00:12Z")
> [@dba\_Fred](#): > > So **Alice the Goon** , in the interests of letting you achieving a cosmic “I’m not good enough for him?”/“I’m too good for him” balance, I’ll give you the opportunity to say to me (as a representative of the males of the world [or at least Tucson]) that you are too good for me, to my face even. > It could make a good “She Said, He Said” thread. > Since we are in the same town, I propose meeting at a coffee house some evening, emails and phone conversations first as you wish. > We arrive separately, chat for an hour or so, I’ll insist on paying, as we leave you can say 'Well, I’m just not into you", I’ll wish you good luck and watch from a safe distance as you go to your car and drive off (feel free to bring your S&W). Game? > I reserve the right to mutter under my breath “She doesn’t know what she missed out on.”😉 I would go get a coffee with you, just because I love (most) SDMBers. But you can not come back and tell the whole of the interwebs what’s wrong with me! ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2009, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636/80 "2009-08-18T02:49:24Z")
Okay, I won’t come back here and report on what’s wrong with you if you report only half of what’s wrong with me. Deal? 🙂 I’m headed out (for coffee), I’ll send an email later. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-thinks-i-am-not-good-enough-for-him/506636.md?page=5)