# He uses Vaseline **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 7, 2001, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877 "2001-10-07T03:12:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/1 "2001-10-07T03:12:45Z")
I use it between my toes before I put on my running shoes. No blisters. I have another jar in the garage, and I’ll use it like WD-40 or axle grease. Chafed baby butts, sunburn, chapped lips, skin moisturizer, kinky sex, 1st degree burns, hemmorhoids, general irritation, inflamation. Hell, I keep a jar in my car. Do you know that if you’re freezing to death you can coat yourself in Vaseline, wrap Saran wrap around yourself, and it will keep you warm and waterproof in a blizzard? You can coat your body and go sliding on a waterbed mattress. Mosquitos won’t bite through a thick coat of it, and it slows dehydration. Not only that, it doesn’t taste bad on toast, and you can even use it to make french fries in a pinch. I’ve been on this message board for two years, and I’m damn sure that vaseline, that jellious lubricant of life has been given short shrift. We have not paid it the credit it deserves. Vaseline was used by ouf forefathers, and unlike talcum powder it never betrayed us by causing cancer or bladder infections. Vaseline has been a true friend. Look at you, reading this. What have you done that Vaseline couldn’t? What has Vaseline done for you? Dammit, I’m the man I am today **because** of Vaseline and I think it’s long past due that we showed our appreciation for the lubricant of life. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/2 "2001-10-07T03:14:13Z")
I prefer AstroGlide. ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/3 "2001-10-07T03:14:16Z")
Drinking tonight, Scylla? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Chickenhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7cd45c/32.png) [@Chickenhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickenhead)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/4 "2001-10-07T03:27:47Z")
> [@](#): > > Look at you, reading this. What have you done that Vaseline couldn’t? Been abrasive to someone. DAMN that was a good one. Hooo boy. Oh god. well. ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/5 "2001-10-07T03:31:28Z")
Damn dude. I am awarding this thread a Lucky[sup]TM[/sup] More of what MPSIMS should be, in my not particularly important opinion. See my sig for other Lucky[sup]TM[/sup] winners LC ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/6 "2001-10-07T03:49:36Z")
_Flies in the vaseline we are sometimes it blows my mind keep getting stuck here all the time._ ---
**Author:** ![Iguana\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@Iguana\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iguana_Boy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/7 "2001-10-07T04:01:26Z")
Vaseline is best used for sexual purposes. Smear it on the bedroom door handle, and the kids can’t get in to see what you’re up to. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/8 "2001-10-07T04:03:47Z")
You can feed it to your cats once in a while to help prevent hairballs. ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/9 "2001-10-07T11:05:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > **…I have another jar in the garage, and I’ll use it like WD-40 or axle grease…** If you coat your car battery post connections with it, they won’t build up that gunky white stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/10 "2001-10-07T11:10:15Z")
I can’t get vaseline in Korea!☹ Woe is me! **Astroboy digs a big handful of butter out of the fridge and chases Astrogirl around the room…** ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/11 "2001-10-07T11:44:14Z")
- I know a girl who thinks of ghosts She’ll make ya breakfast She’ll make ya toast She don’t use butter She don’t use cheese She don’t use jelly Or any of these She uses vaseline Vaseline \* ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/12 "2001-10-07T12:14:52Z")
I use Bag Balm. Like vaseline, only better (and made for cows’ udders). Great aftershaving when you’re gonna be out in cold weather. Also good under a bike chamois. Chrome ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/13 "2001-10-07T14:27:51Z")
This reminds me of a story… My friend, a mechanical engineer, was using personal lubricant on the instruments in one of his tire experiments in grad school. He went through a lot of it, so he tended to just wait and buy 3-4 tubes at a time at the local drugstore. On one of these trips, the clerk behind the counter starts saying things like “Say, I haven’t seen you around before…” and asking him if he goes to nightclubs. My friend is tolerant and kind and certainly no homophobe. What makes this funny is that he didn’t even realize what was going on. He thought this was an odd conversation to be developing over a simple transaction at the drugstore counter, but didn’t think anything of it. Until much later. I still get the giggles thinking of this. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/14 "2001-10-07T15:07:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chrome Spot \* > Like vaseline, only better (and **made for cows’ udders** ). (bolding mine) What the hell kind of kinky sex are you having?! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/15 "2001-10-07T15:20:41Z")
Apparently-it’s-good-for-puppies,too. My-pup-ate-a-whole-8oz-jar-of-the-stuff-a-few-days-ago-with-no-adverse-effects.He-had-one-sincere-and-monumental-bowel-movement-a-couple-of-hours-later-though. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/16 "2001-10-07T17:04:13Z")
Space bar broken there, Mermaid? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/17 "2001-10-07T17:07:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pezpunk \* > > * * * > > I know a girl who thinks of ghosts > She’ll make ya breakfast > She’ll make ya toast > She don’t use butter > She don’t use cheese > She don’t use jelly > Or any of these > She uses vaseline > Vaseline \* \*\* I’m with you. I thought this was a Flaming Lips thread. ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/18 "2001-10-07T17:30:13Z")
Just don’t EVER use it as a pomade. Nope, nope, nopity-nope, nope. Very bad idea. You won’t get it out of your hair. It’s completely resistant to shampoo. Shaving your head and growing new hair is easier. Not that I’d know, or anything… ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/19 "2001-10-07T17:33:48Z")
Slick post, **Scylla**. ---
**Author:** ![11811](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/9d8465/32.png) [@11811](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/11811)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2001, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877/20 "2001-10-07T17:59:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mauvaise \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Chrome Spot \* > > Like vaseline, only better (and **made for cows’ udders** ). > > (bolding mine) > > What the hell kind of kinky sex are you having?! :eek: \*\* “dear dairy…I mean, diary…today Bessie and I…” Even non-kinky sex right now would be welcome. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/he-uses-vaseline/85877.md?page=2)