# Headline Puncher: Local Man Automates The Onion **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 1, 2013, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202 "2013-12-01T13:14:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/1 "2013-12-01T13:14:03Z")
[This website automatically mashes up headlines from online news sources to create new, absurd headlines.](http://www.headlinesmasher.com/best) It’s like _The Onion_, if they stopped at punchy headlines instead of attaching those headlines to overlong articles which just beat the gag into the ground. (Yes, there are exceptions. The headlines are still the best part, though.) Some examples: > [@](#): > > Bitcoins Can Now Legally Marry > When I Stopped Eating for 2 Minutes and 30 Seconds > Microsoft Announces Tons of Issues > Microsoft Tries to Stop Crying > I’d Fuck a Dragon > Loading Your Gun on Television? Oh, Right. Fox News. > Dating Tips From a North Korean Prison CAMP > > [snip] > > Teen Girl Unimpressed With Own Ability to Walk on Water > 21 Cooking Tips That Will Kill Us All > Dead kids have never been happier to code > > [snip] > > Rob Ford Coming in a Bikini > Microsoft Releases Tool for Humans > UPDATED: There Are No Vampires at the Denver International Airport > Fuck a Woman to Win This Zune! [From the trending list](http://www.headlinesmasher.com/headlines/best?order=trending&page=1): > [@](#): > > ‘Oh No, He’s Done It Again’ – Firearms Instructor Accidentally Shoots Girlfriend While Aiming at Ex-Girlfriend > Scandal: Politician Goes to Work > Two Men Arrested After Threesome With Cousin Becomes Twosome > An Anime Fan Describes His Ultimate Enemy… The Friend Zone > Man Sentenced to Sexy Teen Drama > _GRAPHIC_ Disturbing, 78-Second Video Surfaces Claiming to Be ‘One of Microsoft’s Best E3 Conferences’ > Football Fan Realizes He’s Been Cheering With a Gun > The Mushroom That’s Only Poisonous if You’re Gay > Why I Am Proud to Be Anal Probed Along America’s Extraterrestrial Highway > > [snip] > > Pope Francis Comes Out as Gay > The Pirate Bay Threatens to Fuck Off > ‘God Is in Critical Condition > No, Children Are Not America’s Latest Killing Machines (Sorry!) > > [snip] > > Indiana Jones Is Officially Pregnant > Kanye West Explains Why Women ‘Want to Eat’ Babies > Watch a Tiger Make Out With Elmo in Times Square > > [snip] > > Baby Boomers Have All the Heroin > Dad Thought He Was Just ASKING if You’d Bang a Drunk Friend > Time to Recognize That All Drugs Are Expensive but Porn Isn’t > Is There Even a Government > Kanye West Cancels Concerts Because of You > Rihanna and Chris Brown Sentenced to Just 30 Seconds ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/2 "2013-12-01T13:21:31Z")
Wow. These are all surprisingly good and many made me literally laugh out loud. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/3 "2013-12-01T18:37:52Z")
Some of them sound like they could be actual headlines–not from the Onion, but from a publication that reports real news. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Nintendo entered the porn industry, or if Microsoft announced that its latest software had some major problems. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/4 "2013-12-01T18:48:31Z")
The trending list has completely changed. Some highlights: > [@](#): > > All Republicans Want to Fuck Me > > [snip] > > Superman and Batman Have Their Baby > Pokémon Comes to Life With Prostitutes > > [snip] > > Online Dating: Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Talking to Horny Men Pretending to Be Matt. > > [snip] > > Telling Your Professor She’s Sexy Is Not an ‘Epic Achievement’ > Robots Have Taken All the Money > > [snip] > > Kansas Man With 22 Kids by 14 Women Lost Count but Loves All 18 Kids, 17 Women And, finally, the headline which could most reasonably be true: > [@](#): > > People Are Actually Terrifying ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/5 "2013-12-01T21:34:18Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] I’d Fuck a Dragon [/quote] Let’s be honest - who _wouldn’t_? ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/6 "2013-12-01T22:56:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Life’s Too Short to Write Believable Female Characters I’ll have to borrow that one for later. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/7 "2013-12-01T23:19:53Z")
I’ve been clicking on “Smash New Headlines” to see what comes up. Most of the headlines are meh and about a quarter to a half are completely nonsensical, but there’s a few reasonable ones that came up for me : > [@](#): > > UFC Fighter Sells His Soul to Be British > There’s Nothing to Do > Scientology Is as Bad at Photoshop as It Is Beautiful > Here’s Some Questionable Advice From Email Spam > Optimus Prime’s Greatest Moment Recreated in Real Life for Decades > Holiday Gifts for Budding Feminists > Oh Great, Now I’m Depressed and on Video > Libya to Be Farmers, Drive Tractors at G8 > In Space, No One Cares About American Idol Winner And the most bizarre one: > [@](#): > > Panada Fuckwatch Ends in 30-Year Prison Sentence ---
**Author:** ![Marion\_Wormer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Marion\_Wormer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marion_Wormer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/8 "2013-12-01T23:45:28Z")
> [@](#): > > Robots Have Taken All the Money Eerily too close to the truth ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/9 "2013-12-02T00:20:42Z")
Funny ones on the scrambler I’ve found: > [@](#): > > Armed Husband Dishes Out ‘Lethal Dose of Education Reform > Miley: 'I Feel Like Indiana Jones Bullwhip > Man Discovers He Doesn’t Need Your Help > James Franco Sleeping His Way Out of Flaming Vehicle My favorite on todays top headlines: > [@](#): > > Americans Kill People: Michael Moore Doc > Judge Defies Obama, Wants Morning-After Pill Available for Download at Last > Role Models Re-Imagined as Disney Princesses With Beards > Your Baby’s Name Is Taylor ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/10 "2013-12-02T00:37:24Z")
This one doesn’t even make grammatical sense but I can’t stop laughing at it: > [@](#): > > Why Are Male Scientists More Likely to Turn on Your PC, Halo Down Your Pants… Halo Everywhere! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/11 "2013-12-02T01:03:46Z")
OK, so I smashed out a few that made me laugh: > [@](#): > > William Shatner Turned Down a Space Burrito > Ashley Greene Hot & Topless in NY at Age 99 > Everyone Should Behold Kim’s Great Ass … Says Mom > 16 Reasons You Should Use Protesters for ‘Target Practice’ > NYU Student Stuck Between Two Sheets of Fabric > Researchers Shocked to Find Stuff > Jon Hamm Made Unwavering Eye Contact With a Raccoon > Fascinating Photos of Ernest Hemingway From His Standup Special > Kate Middleton’s Taking Cooking Lessons From Her Own Poop? > Big Brother Decides to Run Government Honorable mention to the odd but strangely enticing: > [@](#): > > Why You’re Lucky That You’re Dead But tonight’s clear winner is: > [@](#): > > Breakdowns: Clarissa Explains It All About Eating Pussy ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/12 "2013-12-02T02:05:41Z")
And a punny one: > [@](#): > > PETMAN Robot Climbs Stairs, Walks on a Technicality ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/13 "2013-12-02T05:03:37Z")
I hit generate and got these (among others): > [@](#): > > NBC TV’s President Can’t Even Be on Welfare > The Ethanol Mandate Needs to Be Afflicted With Identity Issues > Miley Cyrus’s VMA Performance Horrifies Everyone Everywhere ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/14 "2013-12-02T05:25:04Z")
“STEFANIE [REDACTED] FUCKS JESUS: A Pet Rescue Goes Catshit Insane” ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/15 "2013-12-02T06:10:50Z")
How OK! Faked Its Jessica Simpson Pilot: A Study in Vegetative Intelligence You Call It ‘Art’: Student Plans to Defend Her Use of First Bomb 90-Year-Old Man Robbed by My Mexican Weed Guy INCEST Is Now on YouTube ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/16 "2013-12-02T07:14:12Z")
> [@](#): > > Shaquille O’Neal I Dropped $235k on a Breast Milk Lollipop and Lived to Be Able to Forget > > It Took 20 People, a Tow Truck, Fire Hose & Air Bags to Rescue Napoleon From St. Helena by Submarine > > Sony Plans on Having Sex and Masturbating > > Mark Zuckerberg Wants to ‘Grow From Experience’ of Spending the Holidays With Your Family > > Teacher Suspended Five Days for a Little Bit Each Day > > Someone Hacked Playboy’s College Party Guide and Made It ‘Far Easier’ > > Your Dreams Might Be Ruining Your Vagina > > Batman prepares to battle raging California wildfire And another candidate for the win: > [@](#): > > Scientists Endure Hours of Fun! ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/17 "2013-12-02T09:20:03Z")
Some new trending: > [@](#): > > Everything You Need to Make a Vagina Boat > > [snip] > > Finally: Actual Physical Evidence That Punk Is Dead > Guy Walks Into Pole, Immediately Becomes Livid That Poles Exist > Important Question: Could You Stop Beating Your Wife? > Domestic Cats Are Aloof and Intolerant, Study Finds > > [snip] > > Sea Lions Are Disco Queens, Can Totally Jump > We’re Getting Divorced Never Mind…We Worked It Out > The Fart That Saved a Woman’s Life > Do You Know Babies Could Commit Crimes? These Folks Didn’t Either. > > [snip] > > This Is an Example of Ignoring Australia. > Chris Brown DARES to Talk to a Science Committee and Doesn’t Understand Time Travel And, one which has a certain relevance for the SDMB: > [@](#): > > 11 Signs You’re an Old Person Trapped in Overturned Truck ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/18 "2013-12-02T10:20:22Z")
Buffy the Vampire Dong! Russian TV Cuts Off Mountain Towns, Kills 3 Your Comprehensive One-Tweet Guide to Freezing Your Eggs Pussy Riot Member Would Really Like to Leave Sarah Palin A Stoned Sir Patrick Stewart Embraces Domestic Abuse Utah Lawmakers Look to Control the Weather Charming Rube Goldberg Machine Ready to Strike Syria May Result in ‘Major Regional War’ UK: Syria Attack Would Be Awesome. Here’s Proof. Whaddayaknow, Microsoft Has A “Thing” for Redhead Men Hurricane Sandy might be a Muslim! ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2013, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/19 "2013-12-02T19:47:13Z")
A few I’ve acquired, some of which sound like they could almost be real headlines; “Grandfather Picks Up the Joint” “Pakistan’s Former Dictator Musharraf Charged With Raping Teammates” “How Football Completely Messes With Your Insanity” “Nobody Knows About This Cool (and Detailed) Geological Map of Titan” “Tony Stark Is Being Evacuated” “A 10-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Vandalism With a LOT of People” “Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science of Morning Wood” “The Best Wi-Fi Extender (if You’re a Wolf)” “13 Potatoes That Look Like Citizen Kane” “Police Believe Marathon Bombing Was an Especially Drunken and Smelly Affair” “It’s the Simple Things That Never Was” “Guy Breaks Up With Internet Sugar Daddies” “The Devil Gets Off on Striking Syria” “This 22-Year-Old Just Landed $25 Million for Allegedly Raping 4-Year-Old Boy in Apartment Complex” I was reading this site in the breakroom during lunchtime at work last night and had to try to explain to my coworkers what was so funny, but couldn’t because of how hard I was laughing. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/20 "2013-12-03T00:54:35Z")
Viral YouTube Video Shows Police Officers Relentlessly Beating Unruly Man With Truck Covered in Dicks. :dubious: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202.md?page=2)