# Headline Puncher: Local Man Automates The Onion **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 1, 2013, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202 "2013-12-01T13:14:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/21 "2013-12-03T02:49:35Z")
> [@](#): > > William Shatner Turned Down a Space Burrito As if! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/22 "2013-12-03T12:09:14Z")
Just smashed out these two: > [@](#): > > Pilot Ejects as Two F-16s Collide in Dramatic New Dashcam Footage > > Love Has No Gag Reflex That last one explains a lot about my dating history… ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/23 "2013-12-03T12:14:45Z")
“Autism Linked to Autism” Brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/24 "2013-12-03T13:16:21Z")
I have a couple of issues with the site. Firstly, sometimes it smashes out part of a headline in such a way that the entire joke was in the original headline to start with, and not in the smash-up. Secondly, the top headline list seems to be somewhat self-enforcing, since every new user will go there and keep voting up the ones that are already on top. But on the other hand, the whole thing is just so deliciously silly that I don’t really care. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/25 "2013-12-03T14:23:14Z")
Singer Tim Lambesis Arrested in Alleged Plot to Take Back the Death Penalty’s Fatal Flaws Singer Lauryn Hill Sentenced to 50 Years for Using Child Soldiers; Will Serve 8 Fort Hood Survivor Goes Off on No-Talent Trumpet Player Scientists Make the Great Miley Cyrus in One Day to Go After Obama Should We Tax Content Providers to Fund Her Fancy Restaurant Habit? The Religious Origins of Ultron Heaven Is for Everyone Who Already Has Cool Fan Art Nintendo 3DS Due in Court; Penn State at Fault Drones to Replace the ‘Fiscal Cliff’ Deal Is Wall Street’s Latest Scam ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/26 "2013-12-03T15:52:50Z")
‘Big Brother’ Contestant Try to Place European Countries on a Map of Places With Slightly Dirty Names Suspect Arrested in String of Brutal 24-Hour shifts Painting of Putin Lounging in Lingerie to Become a ‘Distraction’ Norwegian LAN Party Plans to Build an Army That Protects Them ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/27 "2013-12-03T16:53:08Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > A few I’ve acquired, some of which sound like they could almost be real headlines; > > “Grandfather Picks Up the Joint” > “Pakistan’s Former Dictator Musharraf Charged With Raping Teammates” > “How Football Completely Messes With Your Insanity” > “Nobody Knows About This Cool (and Detailed) Geological Map of Titan” > “Tony Stark Is Being Evacuated” > “A 10-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Vandalism With a LOT of People” > “Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye the Science of Morning Wood” > “The Best Wi-Fi Extender (if You’re a Wolf)” > “13 Potatoes That Look Like Citizen Kane” > “Police Believe Marathon Bombing Was an Especially Drunken and Smelly Affair” > “It’s the Simple Things That Never Was” > “Guy Breaks Up With Internet Sugar Daddies” > “The Devil Gets Off on Striking Syria” > “This 22-Year-Old Just Landed $25 Million for Allegedly Raping 4-Year-Old Boy in Apartment Complex” > > I was reading this site in the breakroom during lunchtime at work last night and had to try to explain to my coworkers what was so funny, but couldn’t because of how hard I was laughing. One I got was “How You Lost Your VIRGINITY”, which could be a real headline for a study on first times. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/28 "2013-12-03T19:34:28Z")
I’m noticing some classics in the “hot” category at the moment: > [@](#): > > ‘It’s Kidnapping’: Hospital Takes Custody of Newborn Over Poppy Seed Bagel > Emperor Penguin That Lost Its Way Is Released by FBI > Hitler Finally Loses His Edge ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/29 "2013-12-03T19:57:18Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > It’s like _The Onion_, if they stopped at punchy headlines instead of attaching those headlines to overlong articles which just beat the gag into the ground. (Yes, there are exceptions. The headlines are still the best part, though.) Actually they’ve stopped doing that. Their stories are just a single paragraph now, but the quality seems to be going downhill. ---
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/30 "2013-12-04T01:17:59Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Actually they’ve stopped doing that. Their stories are just a single paragraph now, but the quality seems to be going downhill. Fewer people know how to read. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/31 "2013-12-04T04:49:10Z")
> [@Kenm](#): > > Fewer people know how to read. Once again, **Kenm** is on the forefront of a trend. From best: > [@](#): > > Man Gets 22 Years for Tumblr Joke > Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Fuck You, Im Batman. > Dear Mr. Putin: How Dare You? How Dare You? How Dare You? How Dare YOU?!? > Unicorn Lair Discovered in California > > [snip] > > Romney: Obama Hopes to Change the Color of Birds, Fish, and Even Humans > Stop Using Fake Holidays as an Excuse to Bang > Justin Bieber Man Enough to Masturbate in Public > > [snip] > > 90% of Americans Are Just Plain Wrong > 19 Reasons Socializing Is Not an Acceptable Life Choice > AP: Senate Reaches Deal to Avoid ‘Hellfire’ and Convert to Islam > Obama’s Justice Department Cracking Down on Online Gamer Obnoxiousness > The Tiniest, Most Adorable Dumbasses Ever > > [snip] > > 28 Day Wait Now Required Just to Invade Earth? > Dog Forced to Participate in Slavery Reenactment > Everyone at Comic-Con Smells Like a Squeaky Toy > The 33 Most Jizz-Worthy Moments in Animal Crossing > Student Suspended From School After Being Decapitated > Hermits and Feral Children: People Who Live Inside Water Towers > Oregon Girl Scout Troop Duped by ‘Blue Waffle’ Vagina Urban Legend > Justin Bieber Continues Worldwide Search for Alien Civilizations > Microsoft Vows to Kill You While You Sleep > > [snip] > > Eat Shit and DIE!: A Very Special Episode of ‘Dr. Phil’ You Won’t Watch (The ‘Blue Waffle’ headline could easily be true. **DO NOT GOOGLE “BLUE WAFFLE”.** ) Trending: > [@](#): > > This Is Just Your Typical Boy-Meets-Autistic-Girl Love Story About a Dead Guy > Google Threatens to Fuck Up > Crisis: Americans Are Still Alive > Barking Dogs Might Have Criminal Records > > [snip] > > Santa Claus Called to Free Grown-Ass Man Stuck in Your Dishwasher > Man Arrested After Being Outed as a Child And, finally, the honest headlines of the day: > [@](#): > > Few Details, Plenty of Vagueness > > Earth Is Beautiful, Mysterious, Fascinating, and Full of Crackheads ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/32 "2013-12-04T18:23:09Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > (The ‘Blue Waffle’ headline could easily be true. **DO NOT GOOGLE “BLUE WAFFLE”.** ) Oh, God, why do I never learn? Hand me the brain bleach, please. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/33 "2013-12-04T21:11:06Z")
A wonderful one trending today: **Microsoft Vows To Kill You While You Sleep** That’s one The Onion could turn into a short news entry and have you laughing out loud. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/34 "2013-12-04T21:18:57Z")
“Monkey With Stylish Winter Coat Spotted at Toronto Library” I know I heard about this somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/35 "2013-12-05T05:53:51Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > “Monkey With Stylish Winter Coat Spotted at Toronto Library” > > I know I heard about this somewhere. [**Probably this**](http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/monkey-in-coat-runs-loose-at-toronto-ikea-parking-lot-1.1180677). > [@](#): > > A monkey wearing a miniature shearling coat and diapers was collected by animal services on Sunday afternoon, after shoppers spotted the animal in the parking lot of a Toronto Ikea store. . . . ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/36 "2013-12-05T18:50:47Z")
I wish it’d show which actual headlines it got its fragments from. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202/37 "2013-12-05T20:30:13Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > I wish it’d show which actual headlines it got its fragments from. Weirdly, it does that on mouse-over when you generate new headlines, but only before they’re saved. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/headline-puncher-local-man-automates-the-onion/675202.md?page=1)