# Heard any good jokes lately? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 15, 2008, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664 "2008-01-15T22:26:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/21 "2008-01-16T14:40:57Z")
Why does Michael jackson like twenty eight year olds? Because there are twenty of them. ---
**Author:** ![RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RancidYakButterTeaParty)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/22 "2008-01-16T15:06:42Z")
The only joke I think I ever tell: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/23 "2008-01-16T15:07:37Z")
I’m not sure that this counts as a good joke, but I had great success when I told it to my mother–so much so that I then had to tell it to my father, and my uncle. Did you know that the Air Force Anthem was written in Upstate New York? (pause, allow time for someone to say it was? or I didn’t know that or something) Yes, (singing optional) Oswego, into the wild blue yonder . . . ---
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/24 "2008-01-16T15:09:24Z")
From Will Farell on SNL: We were outside Demengen (in WW II), and a friend of mine, a Jewish guy named Goldblat… he stepped on a landmine, and… we rushed over to him, and he was lying there bleeding - there was nothing we could do. We asked Goldblat, “Are you comfortable?” And he said, “Ah, I make a decent living.” Also- What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart? Rhesus pieces ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/25 "2008-01-16T15:46:57Z")
Here’s a good one if you can tell a long story with intersting characterizations. I like doing the nuns’ voices in valley girl speak. Father O’Malley and Rabbi Rabinowitz were shooting some hoops. When they were done, they decided to hit the showers. When they got in the showers, Rabbi Rabinowitz noticed that there was no soap. Father O’Malley said “Ooh, I thinks I have a couple of bars in me office. I’ll be going to get them straightaway.” He stepped out of the shower and looked for a towel so he could dry off and get dressed. Then he thought “Saints begora, me office is only a wee bit down the hall, no need to get dressed. I’ll just run over, get me bars o’ soap, and run back. I’ll be as quick as a leprechan.” So he ran to his office, naked as a jaybird, grabbed a couple of bars of soap, and started to run back. On his way back, he saw three nuns walking down the hall coming the other way. He panicked. The only solution he could think of was to strike a pose and pretend to be a statue. “Ooh, there’s a new statue! Totally awesome!”, said one of the nuns. “And it looks like a vending machine! There’s even a handle that you can pull or whatever and get a prize or whatever.” She pulled on Father O’Malley’s penis. He was so startled that he dropped a bar of soap. “Ooh, I got soap!” said the nun. The second nun said “Oh. My god. Let me try!” She pulled the Father’s penis. Once again he got startled, and dropped the other bar of soap. “Awesome! I got soap too!” The third nun said “My turn! My turn! Ooh, hand soap!” ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/26 "2008-01-16T15:54:42Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Here’s a good one if you can tell a long story… [/QUOTE] And in person you seem so normal. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/27 "2008-01-16T16:13:52Z")
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler!! ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/28 "2008-01-16T16:17:06Z")
Think of a country beginning with D. Now, don’t be fancy…no Republic of Germany…just Germany. No Democratic Republic of xxxx…just xxxx. Ok…Don’t tell me… Now take the ending letter of that country, and think of an animal starting with that letter. Again, keep it simple…No ‘Grizzly Bear’…just Bear…no ‘Koala Bear’…just Bear. Ok? Now take the ending of that animal and think of a color. Got it? You do know there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark, right? Ok, not a joke, but I love the expression on their face. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/29 "2008-01-16T16:21:35Z")
I went to buy a camouflage uniform … but I couldn’t see any. How do you stop your dog barking in the front garden? Put him in the back garden. Knock, knock Who’s there? The interrupting cow The inter… MOO! ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/30 "2008-01-16T16:42:39Z")
[QUOTE=RancidYakButterTeaParty] Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. [/QUOTE] Why did the cat fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the monkey. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/31 "2008-01-16T17:08:01Z")
Two Jewish men are walking past a Catholic church. A big sign out front says, “Not a Catholic? Not a problem! Come in and convert - we’ll give you $100!” Herschel says to Shlomo, “What the hell, it’d be a quick hundred bucks. I’ll try it!” He goes inside. After a few minutes he comes back out. Shlomo asks him, “So, what happened? Did they give you the hundred dollars?” Herschel says, in disgust, “It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/32 "2008-01-16T17:11:24Z")
[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck] Think of a country beginning with D. [/QUOTE] Dominican Republic Cheetah Is there a color that starts with ‘h’? ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/33 "2008-01-16T17:15:38Z")
[QUOTE=Robot Arm] Dominican Republic Cheetah Is there a color that starts with ‘h’? [/QUOTE] Well aint you a smart one 🙂 90%+ go for Denmark from my experience. ---
**Author:** ![RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RancidYakButterTeaParty)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/34 "2008-01-16T17:15:41Z")
[QUOTE=Robot Arm] Dominican Republic Cheetah Is there a color that starts with ‘h’? [/QUOTE] I was thinking Djibouti… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/35 "2008-01-16T17:46:19Z")
[QUOTE=Robot Arm] Dominican Republic Cheetah Is there a color that starts with ‘h’? [/QUOTE] Are there any hotpink cheetahs in the Dominican Republic? What about manganese blue inchworms in Djibouti? ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/36 "2008-01-16T17:50:56Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] Are there any hotpink cheetahs in the Dominican Republic? What about manganese blue inchworms in Djibouti? [/QUOTE] Those are worms! 🙂 It is amazing how well it works though…my experience is about 4 out of 5. Haven’t used it in a few years though so after Sept 11, it might not work as well. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/37 "2008-01-16T17:54:44Z")
So two baby seals walk into a club. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/38 "2008-01-16T17:57:54Z")
What’s the differance between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Stones say “Hey, you, Get offa my cloud!” but the Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get offa my ewe!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/39 "2008-01-16T18:06:58Z")
I have a great knock knock joke. You start. The classics never go out of style. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2008, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664/40 "2008-01-16T18:16:10Z")
A joke at the expense of someone at your party: Why did (insert name here) cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in a chicken. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heard-any-good-jokes-lately/433664.md?page=3)