# Hell is now taking the souls of Canadians. Whom shall we damn first? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 3, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338 "2010-11-03T16:11:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/1 "2010-11-03T16:11:21Z")
[[Demonic bureaucrat hat on]](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=569808&highlight=soul) This morning an interesting memo appeared on my desk. [The LowerArchy has changed its policy regarding the souls of Canadians](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12654166&postcount=16). No longer shall the wicked of the Great White North be denied the delights of Hell (which, of course, are infinite, ungodly, and involve huge amounts of chocolate, sex, and cheese). The specific reasons [del]are none of your fucking business, you miserable scum[/del] need not concern all you nice people. [Suffice to say preparations for the Apocalypse are proceeding apace](http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/03/palin-proves-that-mama-grizzly-has-bite/?partner=rss&emc=rss), and the Boss has decided we need more [del]demon-dog chow[/del] ammunition for the [del]soul-howitzers[/del] valiant mortals to join our cause on The Day. We in the Tempting Office are therefore directed to see that as many Canadians as possible are damned between now and Sarah Palin’s second State of the Union address. Any suggestions as to which Canadians we should target first? ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/2 "2010-11-03T16:15:08Z")
Celine Dion - She’s all yours. Don’t fuckwith ShatNER though, he WILL fightback. . ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/3 "2010-11-03T16:17:26Z")
Please clarify. Are we looking for Canadians we believe already deserve to go to hell, Canadians we think could be tempted into being bad enough to go to hell, or Canadians we would like to have in hell with us? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/4 "2010-11-03T16:21:46Z")
Chris Benoit. He’s likely already under your jurisdiction, but maybe you haven’t processed his file yet. Former pro-wrestler, murdered his wife and child before offing himself. Killed his child with a “shoot” application of his signature finishing move, the “Crippler Crossface”. Was a wife beater before the murder-suicide deal. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/5 "2010-11-03T16:22:31Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > the delights of Hell (which, of course, are infinite, ungodly, and involve huge amounts of chocolate, sex, and cheese) Hah. That’s what Screwtape _wants_ you to think. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/6 "2010-11-03T16:22:36Z")
> [@Oy](#): > > Please clarify. Are we looking for Canadians we believe already deserve to go to hell, Canadians we think could be tempted into being bad enough to go to hell, or Canadians we would like to have in hell with us? Darling, this is a BRAIN-storming session. Just give me the names that come to mind, along with any reasoned arguments. I shall decide how best to assign tempters. (Incidentally, anybody looking for a job may wish to submit your resume, if you feel you have the chops to be a tempter.) That said, our files on Hell are woefully inadequate, as You-Know-Who has long since considered them off-limits. I do not know the details but it was something about Bryan Adams. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/7 "2010-11-03T16:25:58Z")
[Dalton McGuinty.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalton_McGuinty) I don’t care if you never heard of him. Please take him now. Before he taxes again. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/8 "2010-11-03T16:26:16Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Chris Benoit. He’s likely already under your jurisdiction, but maybe you haven’t processed his file yet. Former pro-wrestler, murdered his wife and child before offing himself. Killed his child with a “shoot” application of his signature finishing move, the “Crippler Crossface”. Was a wife beater before the murder-suicide deal. Given such a record he is probably not in Heaven, though the Hierarchy has the disturbing policy of allowing last-minute repentence. Buncha cheaters. Anyway, if he’s dead and Canadian, he is presumably in Limbo, and it’s not worth our time to sort through all the souls of unbaptized babies and Yugoslavians. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/9 "2010-11-03T16:27:04Z")
Uh…Justin Bieber? Do I need to explain? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/10 "2010-11-03T16:29:31Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Uh…Justin Bieber? > > Do I need to explain? If you could identify his/her/its species and gender that would be great. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/11 "2010-11-03T16:30:45Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > That said, our files on Hell are woefully inadequate, as You-Know-Who has long since considered them off-limits. I do not know the details but it was something about Bryan Adams. :smack: Of course that should be “our files on Canada.” Sorry, I was distracted by the hopeless screams of Whitney Houston. ---
**Author:** ![KennerTheGreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a8b319/32.png) [@KennerTheGreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KennerTheGreat)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/12 "2010-11-03T16:33:27Z")
Since they’re on their way anyhow, let’s expedite the process for [these](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clifford_Olson) [two](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Bernardo) fuckers. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/13 "2010-11-03T16:36:27Z")
I’d say Col. Russell Williams, but Hell’s probably afraid he’ll take over. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/14 "2010-11-03T16:40:58Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I’d say Col. Russell Williams, but Hell’s probably afraid he’ll take over. Don’t believe anything Victor von Doom tells you. Mortals with such capacity go straight into the soul-grinder. As mentioned in the other thread, the Boss has, in fact, read a comic book. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/15 "2010-11-03T17:01:22Z")
There are so many… I see we’ve already discovered the weird Ms.Dionne, Bryan Adams and Justin Beiber. I believe that’s a good musical start. On the list of killers there is Col. Williams, Paul Bernardo, Karla Homolka Robert Picton and of course Clifford Olson. We have more but that’s good for a start. On the political front I presume it’s just easiest to take them all. After all no politican is innocent. On a personal note if you could just remove MH from my immediate vicinity that would be amazing. He doesn’t need to go to hell, but getting the hell out of my way would be perfect. ---
**Author:** ![ThePylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@ThePylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePylon)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/16 "2010-11-03T17:09:51Z")
You need to be asking in a few months. You’ll get a mass of volunteers around about February. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/17 "2010-11-03T17:24:07Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If you could identify his/her/its species and gender that would be great. Species: homo Biebus. Gender: apparently. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/18 "2010-11-03T17:49:46Z")
> [@KennerTheGreat](#): > > Since they’re on their way anyhow, let’s expedite the process for [these](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clifford_Olson) [two](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Bernardo) fuckers. Reading the linked articles, it looked like wiki had a link for ‘Canadian serial killers’, and I was wondering how they had managed that. Then I discovered it was two links - one for ‘Canadian’ and one for ‘serial killers’. Somehow, that’s not nearly as satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/19 "2010-11-03T20:10:48Z")
Wait, I’m actually supposed to know enough about Canada to know which of its citizens I loathe? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338/20 "2010-11-03T20:15:48Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Wait, I’m actually supposed to know enough about Canada to know which of its citizens I loathe? The ban on Canadians also included the people of Wisconsin and other such border states; the Boss wanted to be sure nobody slipped through by accident. Thus Wisconsans can also be damned now. Any suggestions? And don’t say Eric Foreman. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hell-is-now-taking-the-souls-of-canadians-whom-shall-we-damn-first/559338.md?page=2)