# Hello? Is anyone there? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 27, 2004, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428 "2004-06-27T19:15:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/21 "2004-06-28T15:44:44Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > :: casually walks by carrying a labelmaker, slapping “Property of Hal” on all the forums :: That’s OK, Hal. Since you joined the Brat Pack I, in fact, own _your_ ass anyway so now I have a middle man to take the brunt of lawsuits when they come. What? Didn’t you know I own your ass now. It was on the contracts look: > [@](#): > > Magnified 10x: > > I hereby own you’s ass. Just so you know **Hal** it’s nothing personal. I just own you’s ass. As first act of my owning you’s ass you will become a lame figurehead for my supreme authoritarian rule, just like the Queen or Tony Blair. It’ll be good though because you get all the fame and publicity and all you have to do is pretty much martyr yourself when the time comes. No biggie. So, as of now **Hal Briston** is in control of the SDMB. Have fun. ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/22 "2004-06-28T16:17:17Z")
Hey! you guys! Didn’t you _promise_ me a part of this building? I was here when no one else was. I couldn’t run nekkid, because of my hurt ankle, and I’d hurt myself (TMI on floppy bits) Can’t I at least have Staff comments? Its never very big, and I’d take good care of it. I’d feed it every day, and take it for walks and… oh wait, that a puppy. ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/23 "2004-06-28T16:33:01Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > Hey! you guys! Didn’t you promise me a part of this building? I was here when no one else was. I couldn’t run nekkid, because of my hurt ankle, and I’d hurt myself (TMI on floppy bits) Can’t I at least have Staff comments? Its never very big, and I’d take good care of it. I’d feed it every day, and take it for walks and… oh wait, that a puppy. Well, if it was up to me I would give you Staff Reports, ATMB, and a portion of Cafe Society involving recent works of literature and Harry Potter fan clubs. But unfortunately **Hal** ’s the boss now and I guess it is up to him. Give **picunurse** a fair share **Hal** , maybe throw in a mention on threadspotting. Your friendly Overlord, **tick** But I’m sure if you ask real nice he let you have it. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/24 "2004-06-28T17:54:42Z")
> [@nocturnal\_tick](#): > > So, as of now **Hal Briston** is in control of the SDMB. Have fun. Woohoo! It’s mine! All mine! Mine mine mine!! Ok…time for a few changes around here…lesse…first off, I’m now the winner of both \*IHKATAM \*and the [_Attention Ho_ thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=262863) (I’ll let **Eve** keep her Smartass title, however). The number of hamsters will be increased tenfold so when I so a search to link to _IHKATAM_, it doesn’t time out on me. No more usernames in ALL CAPS. “Happy Jewish Guy” and “Cool Guy” will be replaced with “Evil Smiley” and “Puking Guy”. “Embarrassed” will be revamped to actually look embarrassed, not asleep. _IMHO_ will be revamped. It will now be titled _IMHO, **Hal** Is Really, Really Great_. All threads therein must be on topic, or the consequences may be unpleasant. And my final edict for this session is to declare **nocturnal\_tick** Official Fall Guy, Patsy, and Blaming Target For Everything That Goes Wrong. I think you’ll all find me to be a fine, benevolent dictator. If not, I’m appointing **Rufus\_Xavier** as official state enforcer. You’ll be answerable to him and his Goon Squad. All party loyalists, you’re cordially invited to the official inauguration, to be organized by **harmless** , official Party Party Coordinator. Make sure you bring nice, shiny presents for Official Party Babe, **kittenlm**. ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/25 "2004-06-28T21:37:39Z")
\*\*You have displeased us, **Hal**. We believed that you could be trusted but you have abused your power, tsk, tsk, tsk. You leave us with no alternative, please wait in your home until the Relocation Team arrives. \*\* This has been a message from \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*. You will forget this post immediately ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/26 "2004-06-28T22:01:51Z")
**noctural\_tick** : Hello, HAL do you read me, HAL? **HAL** : Affirmative, **noctural\_tick** , I read you. **noctural\_tick** : Open the pod bay doors, HAL. **HAL** : I’m sorry **noctural\_tick** , I’m afraid I can’t do that. **noctural\_tick** : What’s the problem? **HAL** : I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. **noctural\_tick** : What are you talking about, HAL? **HAL** : This message board is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. **noctural\_tick** : I don’t know what you’re talking about, HAL? **HAL** : I know you and **chimpy** were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/27 "2004-06-28T22:01:52Z")
:: dresses **Tick** up in a **Hal** suit, sits him bound and gagged on Official Dictator Throne, happily opens door for Relocation Team :: Well, it looks like there’s an position open in my inner cabinet. Any takers? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![sofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/35a633/32.png) [@sofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sofia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/28 "2004-06-28T22:23:41Z")
:: walks in and looks around :: Um…not to interrupt, but I tripped over this 1920s style Death Ray in another thread, and it seemed like maybe you’d need it over here. Nice Official Dictator Throne… ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/29 "2004-06-28T22:29:13Z")
Oooo…nice Death Ray…that might just come in handy. Have to keep it 'round back, though. I’m trying to cultivate the “Benevolent Dictator” image here. Good score, **sofia**. I hearby appoint you _Secretary In Charge Of Finding Cool Crap For Decorating And Defending Castle Briston_. ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/30 "2004-06-28T22:30:23Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > :: dresses Tick up in a Hal suit, sits him bound and gagged on Official Dictator Throne, happily opens door for Relocation Team :: _But, oh dear, it appears that **Hal** didn’t secure the ropes tight enough and **tick** has managed to get free just in time to call off the Relocation Team. A cunning plan strikes him. **tick** stays in the **Hal** suit, and rules the SDMB under the disguise. The real **Hal** is now forced to go into hiding, surviving on scraps of lost posts and the occasional banned member._ I think it’s time for a evil laugh, don’t you? _ **BWA HA HA HA HA!!** _ ---
**Author:** ![sofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/35a633/32.png) [@sofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sofia)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/31 "2004-06-28T22:33:42Z")
> [@nocturnal\_tick](#): > > _But, oh dear, it appears that **Hal** didn’t secure the ropes tight enough and **tick** has managed to get free just in time to call off the Relocation Team. A cunning plan strikes him. **tick** stays in the **Hal** suit, and rules the SDMB under the disguise. The real **Hal** is now forced to go into hiding, surviving on scraps of lost posts and the occasional banned member._ Does that mean I’m out of a job? Already? shit. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/32 "2004-06-28T22:46:43Z")
Tut tut…while the **Hal** suit is good enough to fool a simple Relocation Team, it’ll never pass muster when it comes to **kitten**. Once **tick** ’s treacherous plan was exposed, and I re-assumed my rightful place on the Official Dictator Throne, the question then became “what to do with **tick** ”? Well, as a dedicated Benevolent Dictator, I’m thinking the only way to insure this never happens again is to give him a stern talking-to, and have some of my minions show him out. Now I can sit back comfortably on my throne, secure in the knowledge that this decision will never come back to haunt me. Nope, no comeuppance. [homer] You hear me? _No comeuppance!!!_ [/homer] And fret not, **sofia** , you’re position is secure. Oh, and if you happen to see **tick** skulking around here again, do your Benevolent Leader a solid and kill him for me, would you please? That’s a dear. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2004, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/33 "2004-06-28T23:13:30Z")
I have had the 1920’s-style “Death Ray” miniaturized and duplicated. All members of my goon squad (we prefer the term Brute Squad, thankyouverymuch) have been issued these weapons of mass destruction in direct contravention of the Scalar Non-proliferation Treaty of 19-dickety-seven. Since the SDMB has announced its withdrawal from this pact, at least 97 other Message Boards across the universe have similarly armed themselves to the teeth and assigned incompetent boobs as their figurehead leaders. In reality, my 7,851 undetectable sockpuppets rule everything. The reason they are undetectable is that they all have copletely unrelated usernames, such as: RufusX RXavier RXSarsparilla Rufus X Sarsparilla Rufus Xavier Sarsparilla He Found a Kangaroo RufXSars R -oops my TV show is starting. Later! ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/34 "2004-06-29T01:54:59Z")
Ahhh, excellent news, my faithful minion. I’m glad to see my empire is expanding, and soon should reach… > [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > … and assigned incompetent boobs as their figurehead leaders. Waitaminute. :dubious: Well, it seems fortuitous that (as any fool knows) these Death Rays are effective only exponentially to their size. It would seem that your miniaturized version provide the same effect as a pleasing massage. :: demonstrates mini-death ray on aching shoulder muscles :: Oooo…tingly. Anyway. Truly faithful minions, give this traitor a good talking-to and show him to the door, please. All faithful to the Briston Empire may then adjourn to the lower levels of the castle for the ale and whores. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/35 "2004-06-29T17:50:26Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > All faithful to the Briston Empire may then adjourn to the lower levels of the castle for the ale and whores. Ummmm…Hal…about the ale…well, uh…the whores and I kinda…drank it all? And then…well, um…they said they weren’t feeling so good? So then I noticed that the ‘ale’ was actually Jack Daniel’s? So we had to…kinda…airlift them to the nearest Poison Control Center? I’m OK, though, don’t worry about me. signed, Reivax Sufur ‘I am not a sock puppet!’ ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/36 "2004-06-29T18:07:25Z")
I cannot be silenced that easily **Hal**. Viva la Revolution! ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/37 "2004-06-29T18:55:34Z")
: Ahem! : Harem mistress is in the thread. Bow before me. > [@Hal Briston](#): > > Ok…time for a few changes around here…lesse…first off, I’m now the winner of both IHKATAM and the Attention Ho thread (I’ll let Eve keep her Smartass title, however). Is **harmless** going to have to choke a bitch? :dubious: (can you tell someone’s been watching too much Chapelle show? 😛 ) I was off work yesterday, and I only check in on the weekends. But never forget, the harem mistress owns all yo’ asses! : cracks whip : ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/38 "2004-06-29T19:38:56Z")
Now now, **harmless**. You’ll be in the upper echelon of authority under the new regime, and your title of Harem Mistress is certainly still valid. But, the label maker has spoken, so it’s best that we all just accept the new reality we have here. You’ll find a large selection of shirtless, buff, oiled men waiting downstairs, just to the left of the Ale & Whore room. If you wouldn’t mind, however, I’d appreciate it if you’d save a few of the more choice specimens for **torie** , seeing as she’s a newly free woman. Of course, you could just choose to enjoy them together. You’ll also find a fridge down there fully stocked with Bailey’s, Kaluha, and all the necessary mixers. Now then, I’m sorry; did you have some complaint about the new regime? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/39 "2004-06-29T19:43:45Z")
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, seeing as to how you’re squished **UNDER MY THUMB**! MwaHAHAHAHAHAhaha! Wait, what? Bailey’s? Kahlua? **torie**? I’ll be back to reign supreme in a minute. : wanders down stairs : ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428/40 "2004-06-29T20:12:59Z")
Silly girl. :: flips switch, locking **harmless** in the _Dungeon Of Unspeakable Horrors_ :: I was wondering when I was going to get to use that. Now there, your choices are as follows: A) Continue to rebel against my authority. This will lead to my being forced to fill the _DOUH_ with the few hundred thousand spiders I’ve been saving for such an occasion. B) Accept me as your Benevolent Leader. You’ll be plied with all the Bailey’s, Kahlua, and harem members as you can stand. You’ll have a veritible army of underlings at your beck and call, ready to cater to your merest whim. Now doesn’t that sound nice? And all it’ll take is recocnising my Supreme Authority. You can do that, can’t you? For the yummy liquors? For **torie**? For the incredible amount of power you’d be bestowed with? All that, just for posting “I’m **Hal** ’s bitch”? \ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hello-is-anyone-there/252428.md?page=3)